So confused, he wants back, I'm not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
So confused, he wants back, I'm not sure
14
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 3:38pm
I haven't posted in a while - I have been living in a total state of confusion for a few weeks now. As a refresher - my H decided he wanted to leave in Nov. I begged him to stay until fater the holidays - he did - we had lots of chats but really didn't make any progress. He moved out on Jan 1st. After three weeks of him being out of the house he realized that he loved me and had been horrible to me and wanted to fix things. (However -during his three weeks he did date other women - for sure slept with a couple - in fact I think he slept with someone on Boxing Day before he left in Jan - by all accounts we were still together at that time) The problem was that once I was out of it for a bit I had a chance to realize just how awful our marriage really was. He was verbally/emotionally abusive. He has an extremely high sex drive and preferred porn-style sex which I hated. His behaviour was getting progressively worse and I was concerned for my safety (enough to hide his hunting rifles). I also had set up a system with my girlfirend that I would email her each night to let her know I was ok.. Since I had that chance to step away and realize that there is no way I can go back to that - I have been struggling with the fact that it is great that he wants to change but how likely is he to be able to change. I also post on the Domestive Abuse boards and I know they say that chances of him changing are something like 1% - not good. My H seems very genuine in his desire to change at the same time he expects "good" sex (I have cut off all sex with him {we've not been together since Jan 1st}). Right now - I still cannot stomache having sex with him. He has missed our children so I have made a compromise with him that he can stay in the house three nights per week but absolutely no sex. He wants me to sleep in the same bed as him but I won't I know it is just one step away from sex once that happens - so no. Sex with him has been the bain of my existence! I want things to work out for our girls (5&3 - both just had birthdays) H is not happy not having sex and not sleeping in the same bed - so he is grumpy again and says he finds it hard to interact with me as he is so resentful about this situation. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place....I am basing my decisions on my instincts right now as I have a tremendously guilty conscience at the best of times - so I know better than listening to my heart.. Any advice would be very very very welcome....
Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 12:41pm

"If I gave an inch he would want to take five miles. So then I would retreat."

That is SO me. So similar. Do I have inhibitions? SURE! I'll be the first to admit it. Would I like to let those inhibitions go away for a while and just experiment? Of course! Who doesn't! But I do not feel safe doing so WITH HIM. (that hurts me to say that. but, its true.) If I were to give an inch and do stuff, he would take that inch and insist on so much more. And when I wouldn't do all that he wanted, he would come back with asking me what was so hiddeous about him that I couldn't stand to have sex with him, etc. etc. It was a vicious circle.

Believe me.. I want to be able to tell you that they can change!! I don't want to go to my divorce hearing next week. But, more often than not, they don't change. And moving on is the best, healthiest thing for Everyone (even the guys themselves).

My H asked me if I would be able to offer him more also...could I see myself being on the same sexual level as him. There is NO way to answer that question, especially not with guys like them. Answer no, and they will strive to make it happen. Answer yes, and look out. You are gonna be held to your word! Expectations ruled my roost for so long. In a healthy relationship (I want so badly to experience one again!)... I don't think that question is an issue. Both people are on the same level and don't have to ask things like that. Know what I mean?

Anyway. My kids are great now. The little one was only 1 when I said I wanted out, and 2 when I moved out (H kept the marital home and still lives there). The older one probably remembers the times when I lived there, but they have adjusted beautifully to life now. Sure, it is hard going back and forth between houses (we have 50/50, so they spend equal time at each house), but that comes with the territory. We just tell them that some mommies and daddies live in 2 houses, and just because their mommy and daddy don't have one house like some of our family or friends, doesn't mean we are any less of a family. My little one asks questions now - like why don't you guys kiss or sleep in the same bed, or how come mommy doesn't sleep in daddy's bed, but as long as you stay honest with them (without telling them things they don't need to know) they will be fine. They are resilient. It is when you hide information from them, or pretend that things aren't what they are, that there will be problems.

You make a good point.. YES. Once the sex issue is off the table, you will be able to be good friends and co-parent effectively. (Your H won't see it right away, but you can help him with that. I did.) We are just about to that point now.. I think the divorce next week will provide the closure that we need.

If you want to email, link through my profile. I'd be happy to keep in touch... having someone to bounce stuff off of like this is very good for us :)
Take care of yourself.
B

Thanks to Kris for the awesome sig!! xoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006

Hi Folle - thanks for your post. Certainly at the beginning of our relationship things were good between us. His style of abuse has been verbal and emotional with some intimidation mixed in. Fortunately he saves his ugliness for when the kids are in bed. If he ever doled it out in their presense that would definitely be the end of our relationship. Period.

What do I want? A peaceful life where I am accepted and appreciated for the person that I am and all that I have to offer. If H were able to truely change the error of his ways, then I guess we could have a shot at that life together. But the fact that his mood is never consistent enough for me to see if he is changing is a real issue for me. To be honest, I am concerned that we could get everything back on track and continue going to counselling but the sex issue will likely remain. I cannot live my life like that and I do not think that he will change much when it comes to sex.

Thanks again Folle.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006

Hi.

I think your post was directed at the original poster, not me, right?

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Yes, Nymva my post was directed at the OP.

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