So confusing............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
So confusing............
8
Sun, 03-24-2013 - 3:04pm

I have been with a past love for three years.  We are both divorced.  He has three children, I have one.  He has custody of his children every weekend and I have full custody of my daughter 7 days a week.  The debate comes from my mother.......She feels that he should have his kids every other weekend and that on the weekends he doesn't have them one should be spent with me and my daughter so that she can get used to having him around on the weekends and that the other weekend that he doesn't have his kids my daughter should go stay with her if she doesn't have plans with friends.  I feel that i have no right to ask this of him as I have my child full time.  If my daughter isn't home I spend time with him and his kids and he spends a few nights a week with me and my daughter.  I think if he and I both had a "every other weekend" arrangement with our exes it would be different.  My mom is very generous with my daughter and in the past I have had to borrow money from her to stay afloat (I always pay it back)......I tend to rely on my parents for help when I need it.  Do I tell her to mind her own business and risk the fallout or is she on to something?  Thanks!!!!!! 

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-24-2013 - 5:55pm

When you accept favors, or help in any way, along with that comes the perceived right to give advice, too.  You are an adult, and your parents can advise you, but they don't get to run your life.  If you and your b/f have worked things out to yours and his satisfaction, then you need to tell your Mother "thank you for caring, but things are working fine for everyone.  If we have any problems in the future, we will consider doing things differently".  I'm sure if the two of you want some alone time, you can work it out  on your own.......and don't ask her to baby sit if she gets too bossy!!

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-24-2013 - 6:15pm

Observations:

This is an issue after 3 YEARS of dating?

1)I think you may be sharing too much information with your Mother about your dating/relationships. Keep more to yourself.

2)Set healthy boundaries with your mother regarding the parenting of your daughter. If you do A then B will follow a little easier. I like the other posters suggestion that you reinforce your love for your mother but MYOB on parenting your daughter - and how your BF parents his kids.

3)Sounds like your mother is angling for more time with your daughter. Whose the parent here, you or her?

That aside, when you have kids from previous marriages, they are going to be part of the package when you date someone else. They also sound young so how is he going to change his visitation now and NOT affect them? Answer: He isn't. If you want to continue this relationship you do it in the context of reality. If it doesn't work while dating it's not going to work in a marriage.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 1:29am
Karry, I agree with the others. You can not make him choose you and/or your daughter over his kids. If he is putting in time for you and your daughter during the week then he is trying. Let your mom know that you see her point but you can not make him choose his kids over yours. Your mom sounds reasonable I am sure she would appreciate your reasoning and respect your decision. Good Luck. Jen-
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 11:56am

Your mom wants you to ask him to spend LESS time w/ his own kids while your DD is around every day?  I'm sure that would not go over well.  If you're a divorced mom w/ a child, wouldn't you want to be with a man who is a responsible dad & understands the situation that you are in?  This is a totally loony idea.  It seems that if he's over a few nights a week that your DD must already have a relationship w/ him.  And what is this about your DD spending EO weekend w/ her?  do you think she just wants to spend more time w/ her grandchild?  You could certainly send your DD over there if both you & your DD want to go and your mom agrees to otherwise but out of your relationship.  I also think that if you are borrowing money from your parents it keeps you in the position of a child and then they think they can tell you what to do.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 12:56pm

karry72 wrote:
<p>I have been with a past love for three years.  We are both divorced.  He has three children, I have one.  He has custody of his children every weekend and I have full custody of my daughter 7 days a week.  The debate comes from my mother.......She feels that he should have his kids every other weekend and that on the weekends he doesn't have them one should be spent with me and my daughter so that she can get used to having him around on the weekends and that the other weekend that he doesn't have his kids my daughter should go stay with her if she doesn't have plans with friends.  I feel that i have no right to ask this of him as I have my child full time.  If my daughter isn't home I spend time with him and his kids and he spends a few nights a week with me and my daughter.  I think if he and I both had a "every other weekend" arrangement with our exes it would be different.  My mom is very generous with my daughter and in the past I have had to borrow money from her to stay afloat (I always pay it back)......I tend to rely on my parents for help when I need it.  Do I tell her to mind her own business and risk the fallout or is she on to something?  Thanks!!!!!! </p>

Your mother does not have anything to say to your boyfriend about the time he spends with his own children. Period.  Those are his children and he knows way better than your mother what is in their best interests.

Tell her to mind her own business, but in a way that will minimize fall out. After all, there is nothing she can do to force him to do as she wants.  She has no legal standing in the matter of his children and the custody agreement between him and his ex.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 2:39pm

My blundt answer is it is none of your mothers business.  

Sounds like your mom means well, wishing he had a different arrangement with his xW so you two could spend more time alone, but your story is the perfect example of how a person can attempt to control a situation by being "kind."  

Tell her you appreciate the concern/offer, or what have you, and if anything changes, you will take her up on her offer to help with your DD.  

The earlier you can start to set boundries with your mother, the better.  When you do that, then her true motives for being helpful will be revealed.  Not trying to be negative or say anything bad about your mom, just my experience.  That's all.  Laughing

Some see us on MSMW.  Not all of us over there are married.  

Serenity CL - Making a Second Marriage Work  

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 10:40am

Thank you for all of the responses.  When I step outside of this and re-read my post it just sounds ridiculous.  Yes, I would love some alone time with my fiance.  But I have no right to dictate when and where he sees his kids.  I did not mention that my fiance just had a massive stroke in January.  His whole world has been turned upside down and he spent 6 weeks in the hospital away from his kids.  So he has bigger things to worry about than all this.  My parents didn't like him when we were kids, they don't care for him now.......so she looks for things to stir the pot.  So the next time it comes up I am just going to say try and nicely thank her for her input and let her know that he and I will work things out in the best interest of everyone.      

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:21am

Thank you very much Priest Ajigar for i never thought any thing could make my husband come back to me as his wife again after he broke up with me and left to settle down with another woman who never Knew how we both suffered and share feelings together in USA but thank God today i was lucky to see this great spell caster on a site after seeing a lots of testimony and good work he have done in the lives of people helping them to get their ex,husbands and wife renewing their relationship i was convinced and i contacted him and just in 3 days after the spell was casted my beloved husband came looking for me and right now we are together again and he is taking care of me and the little kids as his responsibilities and family.I advice today if you are looking for a real and powerful spell caster just know that Priest Ajigar is a very powerful and a genuine spell caster and he don't do dark or black magic here is his email(priestajigarspells@live.com)