This is so HARD!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
This is so HARD!!!!!!
6
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 11:12am

Well D(not DEAR)H went to a lawyer yesterday and has paid them already and is having them get the paper work ready so we can set down and figure it all out. So I guess I can not hide from this any longer he is really going to throw away our 10 + marriage with out trying to work on it. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!!!!! I feel if I keep telling my self that I might believe it. I am so hurt by all of this. It feels like to me my husband has died but yet he is still here. We are still living in the same house. I asked him to move out and he said NO this is my house too. So that is where we are setting at right now. The kids are every upset over this whole thing. Kimber heard Alan last night say maybe he should fight me for full custody and she went nuts, she told him she does not want to live with him. So he said he will agree to me having full custody of the kids, he is making me feel bad because I will not set up any time for him to see them on a regularly time, I told him he could see them when ever he wanted with a 24 hour notice, I don't think that is not being fair. I guess maybe in a way I am punishing him for doing this to me but it is no use. I just want him to feel some of the pain he has cause me and the kids if he will feel any of it.I am so mad I had an appointment to see a lawyer today and they just called and canceled it because he had called them first, even though he went with with a different one. Why is this so hard??????? Why don't people take there marriage VOWS seriously any more, I know I meant what I said that day, I still do. How do you get over the pain of this all, I wish I had a magic wand and could make this all go away. Ok I will quit bringing the board down thanks for everything I would be so lost with out you ladies.







wildthing siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 11:49am

I would think very hard about not having regular visitation and him only having to give 24 hour notice. This might be the right answer for your family, but it has many drawbacks for you and the children.

For one, do you really plan to be available any time he calls? Are you ever going to want to make plans for yourself and the children more than 24 hours in advance? If you make plans and he calls 24 hours ahead of time, are you going to cancel your plans in favor of him seeing the children? Him only having to give 24 hours notice severely limits your ability to plan outings, visits with family, vacations, day trips, plans with friends, etc. Plus what is going to happen if you say no when he calls when he has plans? A huge fight I imagine. Even if you can be civil, it makes each and every visitation a 'negotiation' and that can really wear on you.

For two, despite the pain he is causing you, the children are going to need time with their father. If it's not scheduled and regular, then they are never going to know when they are going to see him, and when they find out they'll only have 24 hours to get used to the idea. As they get older, this will limit their ability to make plans with friends or have extra curricular activities if your STBX makes a big deal of enforcing his right to see them any time he wants, with only 24 hour notice.

Divorce is scary for children and they have no idea what to expect (the same emotions you are going through). Having a routine gives children something to hold on to, plan for an expect. After a routine is set, in place and operational, it can settle their fears quite a bit because they can see that yes, in fact they will see both their parents and know they both love them (it's hard sometimes to feel your parent loves you if they are in and out of the picture) and yes, this will be okay because they *know* what to expect today, tomorrow, next week and next month. Plus a routine gives you a chance to rebuild your life too, and sometimes that means planning ahead, right?

If you are stuck on having no set schedule, I'd really urge you to have a couple weeks or a months notice in advance so you aren't having 'discussions' about the schedule every day or week and so you can plan ahead for your life too.

One other thought, if the only time he has the children are weekends, he's probably going to fall into the disneyland dad trap. This happens because when a parent only has a few days per month with their children, they are going to make it the most fun filled days possible. If you don't let him have any week day time, you are letting him off the hook for a great deal of the responsibility that comes with being a parent. Children know their parents love them when they do things like help with homework, make sure they are well fed and clean, pack their lunch, take care of banged up knees and make sure they are tucked in at night. A lot of that is hard to squeeze into a couple days per month. It also puts all the burden of parenting on you (and most of the joy too). Is that really fair to anyone? Even if he hasn't stepped up to the plate when it comes to parenting before, here is the chance to get him to do it (as long as he's a reasonably decent parent, and even if he doesn't always parent the way you do). I have 50/50 custody and while this doesn't work for everyone and I'm not suggesting you should adopt my philosophy, I can tell you that I have the same opportunities as my ex to move on with my life and take care of myself and still be a great mom. Just throwing MHO in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:10pm
Thank you very much for you thought I am thinking about maybe setting up where we will split the holidays and part of summer with them, I will not do a 50/50 with him. I am going to be moving back to my home state of Oklahoma with the kids. He is in the air force, so he wont be staying here either. This is just so hard I am trying to figure everything out, this is all new to me, something I never thought would happen to us, I guess that goes to show you that you never know what life will bring, god has a plan for each of us and I can only believe that there are better things to come, Thanks again so much for all of your thought They really help me to look at it from a different view.






wildthing siggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:21pm
Well, if you are moving and he's agreed to that, then I'd say 'whenever with advanced notice' makes sense because it's hard to know when he might want to show up and see them, but I'd think one or two months advance notice is reasonable if he's planning a trip there. Maybe you can have a provision like one months advance notice if he's going to OK, providing you do not have a scheduled vacation or event that can't be changed. That protects you in case he wants a visit and you need to say no. Then if you have scheduled times at holidays and in the summer, that will give the children something to count on as far as when they'll see him and it will ensure something is set up for them to have time together. When I was little we went to see my dad two months every summer and he called every Sunday at a specified time to talk to us. That always gave us something to count on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:22pm

I know exactly how you feel. When this happens it seems like your life is over and the pain will never end. But it does. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Ive been broken up for a year and 4 months and finally im actually accepting it's over and I feel fine with it now. I had to make myself look at who he REALLY was. For so long I fought seeing the real him somehow thinking it was some sort of reflection on me for falling in love with him. But in the beginning he put up a good front and made me believe he was all I ever desired. Were there warning signs that I ignored. HECK YES. But I had to forgive myself for that. Now Im in a better place and getting stronger and stronger everyday

Dont worry. Take it from someone who was a basket case about the whole break up. You will come out on top.

Hugs and kisses to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 12:40pm

Hi ans


Yes it is hard, I am going thru a D after 26years of marriage. I was totally blindsided,never seen it coming. When I asked the stbx why, his response was he did not need to give me a reason. I also tried to sit down with him and told him after 26years of marriage,if he was having a problem,we should discuss it..his response was his mind was made up. He told me ,,well actually he wrote me a letter and left it laying on my kitchen counter informing me he wanted a D,,he did not even have the balls to tell me to my face,,he finally filed in Nov 2003,,he did not move out until Jan 2005,,he did not speak to me, or sit in the same room with me,for all of that time.. I also feel the man I married died,,I did my mourning while he was still living at home. I guess what helped me cope was I felt this man living in this house looks like the H ,sounds like him but its not him,,again the man I M died.


D is too easy today,,instead of trying to work thru problems ,its easier to call a lawyer.. and even though he has moved out and on with his life,,I am 99.9% sure he is involved with someone already..it amazing how fast I was replaced.. he can be involved with anyone and it will not impact the result of the D..but I on the other hand have to remain in limbo,,anything I do that I should not be doing can and will be held against me in regards to alimoney..so it sucks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 11:58pm
Sue, I am feeling your pain. I meant my vows too and he just threw them in the trash. I am so overwhelmed and hurt. Sometimes I think it would be easier if my ex had died. I deal with him daily because of the boys. It's like nothing has changed except he doesn't live here anymore. We are very cordial to one another. We actually talk better now than before. (that was our problem) I feel like this is all a bad dream and I will wake up one day to find my family intact. Please try and take care of you. We will get through this. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda