So this is how separation feels ........
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|Sun, 08-11-2013 - 7:00pm|
I have been with my dh for 23 years and married 19 of them, he just turned forty and has discarded me and basically any family we had. Things have been rough for about 8 years now, he is Bipolar 2(even tho he totally denies this fact right now) and the mood swings are just horrific to deal with. We lost our house in 08 and since then I just think he feels so much a of a failure. Anyway, things just spiraled out of control and I have tossed the idea in my hear for at least 5 years now that I just needed to be without him. He is definatly not the man I married, but we all change. I didnt get married to waste 19 years and get divorced. I am no angel, but i have always tried to keep our family together(2 teenage girls), and always tried to work on it. Even tho now I know things are past the point of no return, it is horribly hard for me to get past the fact that I am no longer his. Its only been 3 months since he dicided to separate(on mothers day btw), and we still live together for now. So then he turns 40 and guess what, with in 2 months announces that he hasnt loved me for years, he just kept it this way so he didnt have to move away from the kids, and he didnt say it but I would assume me cleaning the house, and cooking and doing laundry was a sweet deal too. Anyway, so things are HARD between us right now, and he is on one of his biggest manias of all time, he is the king of the world and he can do no wrong(in his mind). I had a neervous break down 3 weeks ago and ended up in the hosp. I am doing the best I can to get my life in order, but I feel like yesterdays trash. I am living with my mom right now, and he called the other night to discuss arrangements with the kids and such and then told me he is *seeing someone*. WHAT? Oh yeah and I am NOT to tell the kids and he wanted to tell me about this so I wouldnt find out some other way. GREAT! And I am just having the hardest time, cuz its only been 3 weeks since my breakdown and I thought he had more respect for me than that. So anyway, him and his girlfriend go on a 600 mile trip to sturgis( bike rally) this weekend, and the anxiety is killing me, knowing that I am here suffering, taking care of the kids, trying to get better, trying to find housing, trying to keep my job, etc. And he is off F***ing some little sl*t, and having the time of his life. I am sooooo hurt I cant even put it into words. So why did he have to tell me about her? To p!ss me off? I know he is the instigator of the separation, but it hurts more than anything that he can move on so quickly, flaunt it in front of me, etc. I do not want him back by any means, I just feel like why couldnt he keep the affair to himself, and yes it is an affair, nothing legal has been done. I guess it just shows me how much I dont matter to him. But man its hard, tears are streaming down my face. I just do not understand how this person that has been my lover and best friend for 20 years, through his 3 major back surgeries, his brother dying of suicide, our kids, his Bipolar ups and downs, and just every effort that I could put forth, Can just walk away.................and leave me like this. Again I do not want him back, but I feel like I deserve some repect. But nothing he does is any of my bussines( his words), and I hate him right now. I am so p!ssed right now I think if I saw him I might do something not very nice. KWIM? This pain of feeling thrown away? Does anyone have advice for me other than to divert my attention, because I am already doing that, but reality is still there when the laundry is done or whatever. I need to get past this point because I feeling llike I am going crazy, I feel like nothing. I want to move on, but know its way too early for that. I am moving into my own apartment in Sept. and will have the kids half time, and I do have a great support system, but they can only do so much.
Sorry I rambled, I just need to feel better, about myself and my future.
Thanks for listening, I already feel a bit better just putting it into workds, Tami