So I did something I'll probably regret
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| Sun, 08-31-2008 - 1:24pm |
I filled out the separation papers and completed a parenting plan over a week ago, and they've been sitting on my desk waiting until I have the money to file. But every time I look at the papers it just makes me feel so torn...why should I have to be the one to file? This wasn't my choice. However, if I left it to STBX it would never happen. I sent him the parenting plan to review and I can't even get him to read it, so forget expecting him to actually filing anything. So, mostly to ease my mind, I sent him a lengthy email asking him to consider reconciliation one last time, because if I have to file those papers, then in my mind, it's over. I'm tired of hearing "I need some time alone to figure out if I want to try to work on the marriage"...that's BS! I know he's living the single life, including other women, so that's just stringing me along and it's not fair.
I was actually really proud of the email. No begging, no pleading, no finger-pointing. Then right after I sent it, I regretted it. I'm fully expecting either no response or a downright mean response. I'm prepared for it, anticipating it even, because it will be my green light to file without any nagging feelings of guilt or regret. But then I started thinking what if he came back and said yes, he wanted to try. I hadn't even thought of it as a possibility, hadn't even taken it into consideration. I just wanted a clear conscience. I don't think I could get back into a relationship with him now. I mean, it's highly unlikely, he's been so done for so long, but what if? Then I've put myself into a lovely pickle...well, at least it's not likely.
Gack, why do I do this kind of thing to myself?

I think we'd all like someone/something to tell us we're doing the right thing. That person to look into the crystal ball and tell us it's all gonna work out. And I think when we try the last ditch "thing" it kinda gives us that. For me, after 8 years of up and down, back and forth, alcoholism-affected marriage roller coaster rides, it was finally over, and alright that it was over, when I walked into that bar a few weeks ago and confronted him (for lying he had to work late and couldn't pick up the children--total BS!). Anyway, at that point I was ready to file the D papers (he's been out of the house since Feb.) and move the heck on. I should have filed D papers years ago...but I was never ready.
I guess I'm just trying to say not to beat yourself up for the request. It may give you some peace and comfort in the long run. And that is worth far more than you realize. Hang in there and keep us posted. Hugs!
so..... did he respond?
I think that sending him something that was "No begging, no pleading, no finger-pointing" was a very good thing.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Well, I got no response, which was what I expected. I briefly referred to the email I had sent in an online chat we had about my youngest son's upcoming birthday, but he didn't give me any sort of acknowledgment. Then he spent Thursday, Friday & Saturday morning with us so he could be here for the big birthday party, and never said a word about it. That's how he handles things he feels are not worthy of being addressed, as if he is sparing me the embarrassment of having to admit I said it in the first place. I waved goodbye to him Saturday morning with a sense of relief that was both emotional and physical. Having him here disrupted my life a bit, and I'm really beginning to enjoy my life, so I found myself resenting it a bit. Luckily it was actually a really pleasant visit, just a bit annoying. So now I accomplished what I meant to...I feel very, very positive about filing the separation papers. Not angry, not resentful, just relieved in the knowledge that it's absolutely for the best. Thanks for asking! :)
Lori
Or... his silence meant that he was having a "what can I say?" moment.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~