so many issues ... so much frustration

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
so many issues ... so much frustration
10
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 12:00pm

, i need some support dust in a major way ...

my STBX is impossible! he first thought it would be a great idea to introduce his GF of 4 months to our twin sons during mother's day weekend!! then proceeded to bring this woman into his home where his mother resides & he and GF "laid up" all weekend at also the same residence where our DSs lived, past tense, because they are now back home with me.

the crass continues: on the day of our DSs 5th grade promotion ceremony, he couldn't get out of there fast enough so he and GF could start their weeklong vacation (vacations he NEVER took me on during our 11-year marriage cause he was too busy being absent, going on weekend golf trips, working around the clock on weekends, or hanging out with friends getting drunk). well, that same evening was the boys' championship baseball game, which he gladly missed to travel outta town with GF. when i asked for financial support for the boys while he was away, he only gave me $100 compared to what he was going to spend on that skank! THEN, he expected the boys to call him ... on his trip with his skank?? uh, think NOT!!

the worse part was when alllll the baseball parents asked: "where is your husband?" and i had to bite my tongue and faux-smile and say, "oh, he had to go out of town on an emergency business trip" when i wanted to say, "his sorry tail couldn't be bothered to be here for one of the most amazing milestones his sons will experience, one as a baseball pitcher and the other as an incredible hitter, because he's too busy traveling out of town with a skank." oh, and btw, he took this woman, after traveling to SC for a music fesitval along the beach, to meet our friends in ATL, friends i've known for 14 years. so, they just "accept" this woman without question (allowing STBX and GF to stay in their homes knowing that he's still legally married to me), that hurts very, very much, too. i even heard him tell a mutual friend, who refuses to meet the GF that STBX said: "you're the last one to cross the picket line because everyone loves "GF" ..." that really, really hurt that i'm soooo easily replacable despite the fact that that i offered these friends nothing but support & held baby showers for them, bridal showers, was with them through thick and thin. but i guess STBX can do no wrong in their eyes, and that friends truly, truly do take sides & it's just another loss i'll have to endure.

anyhow, once STBX returned, he issued me an ultimatium (sp?). i asked for more time with my sons because one had a challenging academic year. i suggested they both get counseling & STBX chewed my head off saying they don't need it & i'll end up scarring them for life if i get them counseling because they'll be labeled by strangers who don't know them deeply as their parents do (this from a man who's never received counseling & wanted NO part of marriage counseling). he said i don't understand what it means to grow up as a boy & that our sons are just being boys and that "they're fine with the divorce and said they don't want counseling." trying to avoid an argument because he, first, brought our sons into a very adult decision (counseling), and second, telling me "they're fine with the divorce" what??!!! anyhow, i stick to my guns and say that i want more time with them vs. just the weekends & he says "no." whatever i have to work out with them, i need to do it on the weekends. he totally, as usual, disregarded my input or opinion, even when it comes to spending more time with our sons. so, when i did not agree to his traditional controlling tactics, he said that he was not interested in co-parenting with me & that i could come and pick up alll of our boys things & take them. and that he'd change the divorce paper work so he would pay child support, but wanted nothing to do with us. and that i would fail or fall on my face trying to raise boys into men. i urged him to reconsider his decision in anger, knowing that ultimately, it would end up hurting our sons dramatically, but heck-bent on hurting ME, he insisted that was his decision (STBX has always been extreme in his stances--black or white, absolutely no gray).

he then said to remember that "this is what you wanted" (e.g., the divorce), yet, no, it wasn't. i just wanted to feel respected, visible, of priority, loved and valued in our relationship. i wanted my husband to spend time with me and make decisions with me; i wanted to feel like an equal partner, not like a scolded child all the time -- THAT's what i wanted.

he then said he would be "ok" knowing that he finally had a woman who truly understood him & loved him unconditionally (something i never did) & he couldn't wait to divorce me and start a family with her.

it's alllll so hurtful and overwhelming. i'm just trying to remain focused so i can do the best by my sons, who at this point need some stability, sanity, and support, just as their frazzled Mom.Me.

thanks for allowing me to vent (needed that) ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 12:43pm
first, I am sorry that your stbx is so selfish that he would hurt his sons for his own gratification. Second, you can do just as good of a job as him in raising those boys to be men because in his case, he doesn't know what one is. It is hard but ignore his take on this divorce. He doesn't get it and won't ever get it. Sure, he'll start a new family with this woman and then he will have two failed marriages. Focus on YOU and your boys. It's hard but you sound like you have your priorities straight so you will be fine. Get counseling, get involved in activities so that you can start YOUR new life. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 7:22pm

OMG that is an amazing message!

I am so humbled by your ability to NOT react to his anger when he says "Okay, just take 'em" and remind him that would not be in their best interest. I feel your 'black and white' pain. I cannot get my sTBX to commit to any gray areas.

You said "he then said to remember that "this is what you wanted" (e.g., the divorce), yet, no, it wasn't. i just wanted to feel respected, visible, of priority, loved and valued in our relationship. i wanted my husband to spend time with me and make decisions with me; i wanted to feel like an equal partner, not like a scolded child all the time -- THAT's what i wanted."

That just brings tears to my eyes. My STBX has been on the fence for MONTHs. He doesn't want to feel rejected and plays the victim, yet he was unable to provide anything I needed (and vice versa). He would never have described our marriage as happy. So we are stalled here at preseparation and he can't bother to get his SH$T out of my house (the house he had no interest in for 4 years).

I am taking tiny baby steps towards selling it later this year. Very hard without his participation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 8:04pm

Hi there, I have a VERY verbally abusive and controlling husband myself. They are good at making you feel like you cannot do anything without them, but that is not true. You will try your best to raise your boys, so disregard his comments! He should be worried about what HE is going to do for kids instead, but I would avoid arguing with him... Let him worry about himself...

I can understand your pain about friends. But one day you will move on and find your own friends who care about you. Never doubt your worth because of others, but instead, make a plan to improve your life for YOU because you deserve it!!!

I have to say that you are already a very strong person to withstand what you are going through, and I really admire your efforts! Please us updated as I will be going through a divorce myself. I also have kids and a husband who is only there to look after his own interests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 9:22pm

continue taking baby steps, that's exactly what it take to get you through these challenging times (at least it keeps me focused). i am confident that our lives will turn around for the better, as long as there is this incredible network of strong and positive support, how could we go wrong ... uh, besides, i believe we can only go "up" from this point on :)

many well wishes, hang in there & i'll do the same ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:31am

Oh my gosh! I haven't heard a story that is as close to mine as yours!

STBX started dating in Sept, just forgot to tell me. Told me Dec. 19 he wanted a divorce, I told my kids (6 and 9) Dec 29 (he was out w/gf, couldn't be bothered to help me) and he introduced them to gf on Jan. 25 (happy birthday to my 6 year old that day!). I ended up getting a restraining order against gf for 3 months so my poor kids could catch their breath! Since then he has broken the orders repeatedly, I've had 5 utilities turned off, and this past weekend he even broke the "no overnights" order and they all spent the night at her house!!! Over spring break he and gf took a 5-day trip; he left me with an overdrawn account so I had to borrow $ from a friend! He has taken her on 6 trips in 9 months...last trip we took was 2001.

Luckily most of our friends have very little to do with him because of his behavior. HOWEVER, his family, the people that I treated as my own family for 10 years, has not said 5 words to me. They "don't want to choose sides", which obviously they already have because my kids came home from being w/their dad Mem. Day Weekend and his whole family was over at gf's for a party!! I am not asking them to take sides, but how about,"I am sorry this has happened and we want you to know we love you." That would've helped me so much.

Anyway, I am SO sorry you are going through this! I pray every day for STBX and gf (through gritted teeth) and that actually gives me some relief. Also I try to remember to be thankful for the gf because she took STBX out of my life so I am now free to live my best life, a life I could not have lived being married to an emotionally abusive and critical man. Truly, my kids and I are better off without him, but that is hard to remember on a daily basis. Keep me posted as to how you are doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:33am

oh my gosh, you're right, our stories are similiar!! i'm soooo sorry you are going through this "valley," too. NO ONE deserves to be treated in this manner, especially when there are children involved. i have no idea what dramatic transformation takes place when people get divorced; loved ones who once supported, cared, and protected you, turn on you like a pitbull!

i pray that you and your children are doing better. a man who would allow his family's utilities to be shut off & leave them with no money in the bank account is truly a coward. please take solace in knowing what i believe: what goes around, comes around. there is no way in helen's that you can treat someone so horribly and NOT expect extreme turbulence to disrupt your life.

hang in there. i agree, both of these GF, e.g., skanks, who've taken up with our STBXs, they are BOTH in for some rude awakenings and unpleasant surprises. since we know the inside track, let us share a great laugh & go take on the day with integrity for the sake of our children, who need at least one MATURE parental role model in their lives.

best wishes ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 11:00am
First off I would be irriate with all these STBX's bringing their new skanks around their children. What are these kids thinking?..Their mothers are being replaced. Kids don't understand this stuff and I would definitely put on one hell of a tough custody case against these ignorant fathers for doing this to their children. They are definitely not looking out for what's in the best interest of the child or children. Ladies hold your heads up high and know you can raise your kids by yourselves whether they are boys or girls. These kids will look at you later on in life with so mcuh admiration and respect for you that you did this on your own. Also knowing that you teach your children respect and morals will teach them the best lesson in life. I also say counseling a must for all of you to get through this. I wish the best for all of you. ((Hugs))
 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:27pm
Just remember...what comes around, goes around. Those new gf's will see what "treasures" they have in the coming months. The man will show his true self. Right now they are in the honeymoon stage, one where there are no joint bills, household maintenance, children, messy houses, dirty clothes he can't get in the hamper, etc. Just wait, their rebound romance will hit the skids once reality and real life set in. Your true "revenge" will be staying civil, acting disinterested, and moving on to a better life. That will drive him crazy! To see that you can do it alone and aren't clinging to him. I KNOW it's hard...but force yourself to not call, make nasty remarks, nor anything he might attribute to you being the "bad person" in his eyes. That's just my thoughts on how to get him back...live a better life! He'll regret it one day, and then it will be too late for him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:08pm

Hey-

I turned on my "you can receive email from other members" option if you want to stay in touch and try to help each other somehow. If you do the same then we can email! Keep me posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:56pm

i turned on my option, too! thanx a bunches, the added support is so openly welcomed. we WILL help each other and get through this together. look forward to hearing from you.

context loves company :)