So much to lose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
So much to lose
2
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 6:13pm

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board. Sorry, but this will be a long one! I am currently in the middle of ending our almost 10 year marriage. It is really hard for me, I know that this is what we are definitely doing, but I am so hurt and confused.

So here is my story: My husband is in the military and he is currently depolyed. We had major problems before he left. We agreed we would stick together and support each other while he was away, we could deal with our problems when he got back. Well, while he was away, he constantly brought up issues that we could not agree on before he left. Then, when I still didn't agree with him, he would go off about how unsupportive I was being to disagree with a man who was at war. Or how I was so selfish and only trying to get my way. He felt I should do whatever he says because he is in Iraq. These were problems/disagreements we had before he left. I am not going to change the way I feel because he is gone. I continuously told him how much I loved and supported him, but it was never enough. He told me if I couldn't do everything he wanted me to do that we were done. So I said fine, we are done.

He proceeded to write about it on his blog, that I chose to up and leave him while he was off fighting a war. About how he couldn't believe I would do this to him in his time of need. I was so angry. I am sure everyone thinks I am a total you-know-what, but in reality they are all getting a distorted view of our situation. No one but the two of us know what our problems are, so I feel it is so unfair to be judged in my situation. I am hurt that his family, who I love so much, now think of me as some horrible person. I am not just up and leaving him during a war. It just so happened that I hit my breaking point while he was there. All of these problems existed long before he ever left.

I guess I just don't know how to cope with the feelings that I have. How do I deal with the fact that I am not only ending my marriage, but I am losing my relationship with his family. I know I have lost friends, but I also realized how many good ones I do have. It is just so hard. I have always tried very hard to be a good friend/family member and it kills me to know that people think so badly of me. He and I are at an agreement that we should be friends and be civil for our kids, but with every nice emails comes some sort of jab about how easy this all seems to me or that I obviously have "plans" for myself now. It is just so frustrating. I wish I didn't care so much about what he said or did. Plus, I am so scared for him. He is in a very very dangerous area. There have been a lot of casualties lately and I am a wreck worried about his safety. Then he emails me these emails with little comments to push my buttons.

I have so many conflicting feelings. I know that I want a divorce. I know that I do not want to stay in this relationship for the rest of my life. How do I get over all of these feelings. We are stationed far from home, but will be moving back after the first of the year. Any advice would be appreciated greatly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: ljjzz
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 9:29am
HUGS! I get very upset when I think people view me as a horrible person, too. Unfortunately, no matter what you do or say in these situations, people are going to hold on to their beliefs about you. The best thing you can do now is care for yourself. It takes time to get over all of this hurt, and you are just at the beginning. I would definitely suggest some counseling for yourself. It really helped me get over all of the conflicting feelings I had.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: ljjzz
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 12:17pm

hugs....

its sad that your husband is choosing this route, I can only assume that he is so scared for his life that he is acting irrationally. all you can do is take the high road and ignore his emotional abuse, his blog, whatever else is going on. hopefully, the people in your life who really love and know you , will support you. there is nothing more that you can do.

hang in there....