so much for my happy ending...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
so much for my happy ending...
6
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 12:20pm
I was with my husband for 5 years before we got married. He was the best thing to happen to me. We've been together almost 7 years, and share 3 beautiful children, ages 4, 3, and 11 months. We were a very close couple, best friends. Our relationship wasnt perfect, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, even if we had differences. Well about a year and half ago he got into the music business. He became an independent artist and would sell his cd at venues where there were a lot of people. We both quit our jobs, and I stayed home with the kids. He did well enough to support us. But he slowly changed into a different person. The man I fell in love with, was turning into a man I couldnt be with. But because we got together young, and he was my first love, first relationship, I couldnt NOT be with him. (If that makes any sense) Now Im having THE hardest time dealing with the sudden change of going through a divorce. Now I'm scared I'll never love again. I'm scared to be alone. Can anyone relate or offer me some good advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 1:42pm
Hello....I can definately relate. Your story sounds similiar to mine. My X and I were together for 17 years (since we were 15yrs. old) and married for 8 years of those 17! We were the perfect couple. Everyone envied the relationship we had. We were truly best friends and did everything together. We shared three beautiful kids (ages: 15 yrs, 3 yrs, and 5 months) then one day it all changed. He left me when I was 6 months pregnant with our third child. He left me for the nieghbor who uses drugs and sleeps around. He spends the night with her so his kids and I have to see his car there. When everyone found out no one could believe it. Nor could I. Talk about how a man can change in such little time. He's abusive to me physically and mentally, he left me with all the bills and does not help me financially, and is so cold to me. He treats me like I was the one who was cheating and left him. I use to be so devistated to the point where I couldnt even be with my kids without crying and being nervous. With time it all gets better. I was with him for so long that I had lost myself in him. Now that I was alone I had to get use to being with me and doing for me. I now enjoy my time with my children, family, and friends. There are no more tears and little by little the feelings of fear turn into feelings of peace. I couldnt understand how all of this happend and I didnt notice anything. I use to pray that he would just come home to me and the kids. I use to be up all night trying to call his cell or wondering what was wrong with me. Boy, what a waste of time that was. I now realized that there was nothing wrong with me. He has the problem and I feel sorry for his new woman. If he cant be good to "his first love" the mother of his kids just think whats in store for her. His true colors will come out sooner or later. Believe that it gets better....because it does. Our problem was that we did get lost in them, depended on them, and even loved them more than ourselves. We need to take all that control we gave to them back.......once you do you will feel so much better. Good Luck!
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:10pm

I can relate a little. My STBX is my first love and relationship as well. We dated for three years and were married for nine. Our children are 7 and 19 months. I am having a hard time adjusting to some things as well. I do not miss the stranger I was living with for the past few years as he slowly shut me out of his life, but I still miss what we had nearly a decade ago.

I'm not scared that I'll never love again. I'm scared that I'll love again too soon and for the wrong reasons. I don't want a relationship anytime soon, but I am craving attention from the opposite sex. In my case, I don't think it's so much because I'm lonely, but because I'm craving the self esteem boost.

As the mother of three young children I imagine that it has been at least five years since you have really done anything for yourself. That's where I would start. Use some of your new found alone time to discover/rediscover what makes you happy now that you're not so busy trying to make your STBX happy. If you are caring for your kids by yourself full-time, don't feel guilty asking a friend or family member to help once in a while.

You are SO YOUNG! You WILL love again. However, you don't want to attract a man who enjoys being with a woman who is scared to be alone. You want to eventually fall in love with someone who loves being with you when you are happy, right? Are you still a SAHM or have you returned to your other career?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:16pm

WOW... i can relate... my XH and i started dating in 1988 when we were 17... we married in 1994... and our divorce was final on June 17, 2005! (no kids) ... I truly thought we were solid, best friends and partners in every sense of the word... people envied us, were amazed we'd been high school sweethearts... but at the end of last year, two days before the New Year, he tells me he's not in love with me anymore... we talked for hours.... and the next day he said he didn't want to throw it all away without trying... well... by February 1 i had moved into my own apartment... and 28 days after that, while i was thinking we were going to try and save our relationship, he tells me that he did some "soul searching" and concluded that there was "just nothing left in his heart that made him want to try" and that he wanted "to go out on a date"... how devastating that was for me... i found out over the course of the spring and summer that he was bringing a "friend" to our house (she works for him!!) for overnight stays AND introducing her to dear friends and neighbors of ours....

time has somewhat helped me put things into perspective... but i still cry about it...it all feels wrong to me... all the losses that have been endured and the pain that has been ever present for the last 11 months.... i won't talk to him anymore and the loss of my best friend hurts more then anything.... but i know that i cannot make him change his mind...

i am hoping that i can make it through the holiday's without ending up in the looney bin... and that i can start the new year fresh... and eventually get rid of all the pain, frustration, and yes... the hope i still have... so that i can allow someone else into my heart...

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold." - Frodo Baggins, LOTR - Return of the King.

{{hugs}} hang in there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:48am
Thanks for the reply. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through an unexpected life change, and that life does go on. You're right, I have not done enough for myself. Little by little I hope to change that. I feel like I have to work on me before I even consider finding love again. It's just a lot to swallow right now. I am still staying at home with them until after the holidays. My son is still nursing, so after I wean him, I'll have to look into getting back into the work force. That's another issue because I've been a SAHM majority of our relationship. I have a long climb ahead of me, but I know I can do it. Thank you again for taking the time to reply!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:07am
(((hugs))) you are at the hardest point. It WILL get easier. You are young & have a whole life ahead of you. I promise you that a while from now you will actually be looking FORWARD to that new life! R~
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 10:54am
WOW! I can't believe how that man could do that to you! You must have been beside yourself in disbelief. The fact that you're doing well now is inspiration to me and every other woman in a similar situation, that life will go on. I thinks that's the most important thing to remember, that you can live without him. I apprecitate you sharing your story with me. Although I haven't been with my STBX for as long, I understand when you say you lost yourself in him. I have been living for him and our kids, and now it's time for me to live for ME and my kids. Have you started dating again? It sounds like your a very strong woman!!