So, my divorce is final.....

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
So, my divorce is final.....
4
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 3:20pm
Ok, my divorce was final on the13th. I honestly can't believe it, and on too of it, Thursday is our anniversary. I am trying to rEdo my home, make it mine, not "ours". I think that is helping. I am just down, and am living in sweats. Cute sweats, lol, but still sweats. It feels weird that it's final. I knew it was happening, but it is really hitting me. Even though I have been calling him my ex, it's real now. I have been trying so hard to move forward, I am just having a bit if a hard time. I don't miss him, I miss what we had, and the comfort of being married. So, I guess I have moved on some. I am ready to date, I don't know how! I really think part of it is wanting to be wanted again. Let me explain that a little. I allowed my ex to take so much from me, where I lost so much of my self esteem. I am not ugly, logicly I know that. I just feel very ugly, and worthless. I know neither is true, again logically. It is just the way I feel. Does anyone else feel this way? Again, I let him take things like tat from me. I will never let anyone make me feel that way again. I want and need to have someone who brings me up, not down. Along with that has me knowing that I have to respect myself, which I am working on. I have been doing pretty well with that. I don't even want a relationship, I just want someone to take me out, and actually care what I have to say, and have some good conversation. I don't care where it goes, just to be taken out would be nice. I am glad I am learning to love myself again, which has taken awhile, and is not easy. I will get there. I am getting further everyday. Time is what heals. Time and work, working on me, and focusing on me. That is where all my effort is now, on me. Hugs to anyone who is having a hard time. ShutterButerfly
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 10:02am

"I am ready to date, I don't know how!"

No you're not. You're wounded. Take the time to heal.

All you will be is attractive bait to the many barracudas floating around out there looking for a wounded woman to screw and dump.

Be smart(er).

Make new female friends. Revive an old hobby. Go back to school. Learn to decorate cakes. Join a book club.

Above all: Receive the gift you've been given, a second chance to make your life what you want it to be. Not someone else's formula and not someone else's mess.

Get yourself a copy of "Rebuilding:When your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. Read it cover-to-cover.

The road a head is long and difficult. Don't start off by getting another broken heart. Heal. Live. Learn to be by yourself.

A year from now think about dating.

Good luck. (And yes, my advice is reality tested. Trust me: it's less painful to take care of yourself first then go stumbling into another relationship.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 3:28pm

Wisdom gave you excellent advice.  I have some questions though.  Although your divorce just became final...how long did it take for it to BE finalized?  Sometimes, the healing takes place during the process as it did for me (a year and a half).  I did all those things Wisdom mentioned during that time period, so by the time I went on my first date (at age 48!), I was ready.  I wasn't looking for the things you mentioned...just needed to take the plunge and meet another single person in my city.  (Everyone I know has been married for 20+ years).  I didn't miss having someone to talk to or take care of me...I had done that myself for years after my ex checked out.  So, even in my first marriage, I was very much alone. 

The things you mourn are valid and are felt by many others, I'm sure.  After 5 years, the only thing I mourn is the destruction of my family and the problems that it's caused between me and my 4 DDs who favor their father and his family.  Had we remained a family, none of these problems would have arisen. 

My ex, too, made me feel worthless due to the fact I make little money.  It took my new dh (who was also my first and only date 4 years ago!), over a year to convince me that I was a worthwhile person even though I made little.  This is something I should have been able to take care of on my own, but my emotional scars from the ex ran deep as it sounds like yours do.  I agree with Wisdom though that there are many "barricudas" out there just waiting to prey on someone new.  I got lucky...plain and simple and thank GOD every day dh wasn't one them.  He had done online dating before and told me dating horror stories. 

Please keep us updated.  We care.  HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 4:03pm

Those of us on these boards are here because we absolutely DO care and want others to know that they are not alone and there are others who have gone through the same thing. 

I am SO sorry for all of your losses.  Always remember that God is there for you and that with every experience you go through in life, you learn something and it really DOES make you stronger.  It may not seem so at the time, but I know of which I speak.  But, it is also a decision to move on.  Some people DO get stuck always looking back, so I am happy to hear that you do have times you look forward...and, I can tell you,  at age 32...you have your whole life ahead of you!  I'm 52 and cannot believe what my life looks like now!  Most good...but not having my "family" an a unit I think will always make me sad.  To be married to a spouse who loves my children as I do would have been nice to have always.  Dh and my kids were basically all grown when we met, so we barely know each others kids and, honestly, there are things about his kids I don't like and vice versa.  So, that's what makes my life still a little sad, but I don't dwell on it. 

As for flirting...it CAN be fun, so enjoy!  I, too, couldn't believe how the "old me" came back when I met dh and I found myself flirting again...just like when I was young!  I was surprised at myself, but if felt good!

Something you said popped out at me and and I am SO glad you realize it! 

<<It is not my fault that he changed. I have to tell myself that. I am not innocent, but he was an alcoholic and because of that he changed. >> 

 Absolutely!  I've had to learn how to deal with my new dh as he has "issues" , but the one thing I know is that he does love me....definitely.  And, at our age (52), it's not something we take for granted.  We feel blessed to have found each other at our age.  So, I asure you, at YOUR age...embrace life and look forward to all God has in store for you.  Get out in the world and you'll see beauty again as I did. But, also, make sure you complete "the process".  Allow yourself to grieve.  My favorite saying these days is, "And this too shall pass."