So Sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
So Sad...
7
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:57pm

I posted earlier about me and my H. We have been seperated since May 22 and I am so hurt and confused about everything. I have days that I feel ok, but there is not a moment that I do not think about all of this mess.

My H comes tonight to get the kids to take them to Chuck E Chesse and when I get home they are here at our home with him. I let him know how much my school is going to be since he is paying for it and let him know when it is due. I walked with him outside and asked him what the intentions are of this seperation...since he never will tell me anything one way or the other. He told me to call him later and we will talk...yeah sure! Well I call and once again I get the same ole crap I hear all the dang time. He is not sure what he wants but he does not see things ever changing. What does all of this mean...I cannot take all of this crap anymore, is this I want to have my fun and when I am done than I want to come home to my family or what. I need some insight from everyone to help me understand this...it is driving me crazy.

Am I being wrong for wanting some kinda answers about our marriage this soon afterwards? How long till I should just give up? This is so upsetting I am so tired of hurting like this. Thank you for listening to my rant I am just so upset right now and having a hard time dealing.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:14am

Sweetie, my heart goes out to you for the pain you are feeling. My one thought is - are you in counselling? It helped me so much and I know it has helped others. Would your H consider couples or individual counselling?

I think it is natural to want answers. But he might not have them and what he does say might not satisfy you. You may find, as I did, that you have to find your own peace with whatever happens with this separation. And whether or not you reconcile, there is peace to be found. Things may appear very dark right now but they will get better. You'll find your strength and while you will have times when you feel low, it will get better. It it normal to have the up and down days you are experiencing. Again, find someone to talk with - a professional.

Hang in there and come here to rant or vent or share. There are amazing women and men on this board. I couldn't imagine how I would have gotten through this experience without them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:58am

Just sending hugs! It is an gut wrenching time. I hope you have a counselor. I just downloaded all my confused feelings with mine yesterday and it helped. Also, take action -- that helps me -- find a lawyer; get asset list; find records; update your will, life insurance etc. Prepare for the worst. Also, there are a couple of pretty helpful books: UnCoupling (I think) and Spiritual Divorce that might prove helpful. I am trying to make more time for prayer and reflection in the hopes of sorting out my feelings; my role in our divorce and my hopes/plans for the future.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:13am
Gosh, I am feeling the same way as you. When my H picks up the kids and drops them off, I cry every time. I just cannot seem to move on. I am starting counseling next week, which I am hopeful about. These feeling of sadness consume me all times of the day. It is so hard to cope right now. I just want my life back!
The one thing that has helped me a little bit is to exercise. I am a member of a running club, and it really helps me blow off some stress when I go for a jog. I tend to feel stronger. I need to do it more, and motivating myself is very hard. But, when I do, I do feel a little better.
Keep us posted.
Hugs!
R
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:52am

Thank you everyone for your replies....this is so hard to cope with a times. I have not gone to a counsler yet but do feel the need to do so real soon. I have gone back to working out and that does help blow off steam for me also. The hardest part is just not knowing what is going to happen. I do not want to give up on my marriage but do not want to hold on to something that may never happen. It is so hard because I get mixed messages all the time. It does not help that I am a unpatient person anyways...which is something I have to work on for sure.

Ladies how long is to long to wait for? When do you just give up?

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:33pm
I am going through the exact same thing. My H has not spent time alone with the kids but stops by the house to see them when I am home. I will not allow H and OW to see the kids together. OW does not need to be around our kids. H says he does not have answers for me but cannot look me in the eye and tell me that he does not want to be with me. Mixed emotions are crazy. He texts me in the morning "Morning Hon" and usually before midnite I get "Love You Hon". Yet he is living with OW and her kids and spending free moments from his job with OW. There are many times he is off work by 7 and could spend a few hours with our kids but hangs out with OW and her kids. I have been hoping he will get his head outta his a** for a long time. He's been out of our home since June 6. But we are in contact everyday 3-4 times. I am so confused and can't understand why he is putting me through this. He seems to want me to know what he's doing all of the time. I'm not sure if he's trying to continue to hurt me or just letting me know that he can't spend time with us as OW always seems to have things for him to do. We are trying to plan a weekend away with the kids as a family, but I don't know how he can get away from the OW. He says he wants to spend time with us but has yet to give up time with OW.
I know you are very confused and I am sorry that I really have no advice for you. I just want you to know you are not alone in this situation. There are many of us here and we all want to help. I have found reading other posts that I know what I should be doing, but can't seem to do it because of the mixed signals H is giving me. I am hoping that H will realize what a mess he has caused and come home to his family.
Hugs to you and take of you!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 1:43pm

I am sorry to hear what you are going threw with your H. I completely understand about the mixed messages. With my H it seems when I think we are getting somewhere and starting to improve than he does something or says something that changes it all back. Thank you for your reply I hate that you are going through this but it helps to read post from others that are having the same feelings as I am. I talk to my close friends but it is real hard for them to understand as they have never been through this. Please keep me updated and let me know how you and your children are doing...as I will do the same.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
In reply to: luvmy3boys2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:55pm
I've responded to a few other posts about how long is long enough to wait, and all I can do is repeat what I experienced. When it was harder to wait than not, I made the move. that went for the separation, and for the divorce proceedings. I think for the divorce I waited too long, but I know I tried as hard as I could, and I can put my head on the pillow at night knowing I couldn't have done more. And that when I moved it was best for my son, even moreso than me. But I'm lucky in that my issues with my H are clear cut and obvious. I wish you all the best, and do try the counseling if you can.