So stupid, it's gotta be funny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
So stupid, it's gotta be funny!
10
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:29pm

Honestly I can't believe my life these days...I can't believe how stupid I was to marry someone who was such a confused fool...and so now I've became one as well. My (soon to be ex) husband has decided after a yr & 1/2 of marriage, that of course things aren't going to work out & so we will be divorcing. How lovely can it get w/3 children involved (2 of which are two yr old twins)? We've been together going on 4 yrs and I think his lawyer has told him that if we are married for more than 2, there will be more at stake. Of course I should've seen the red flags everywhere...anytime we would have a problem, he would say it just wasn't going to work etc. So then of course after we marry, it's that we need to divorce...my "negativity" is just bringing him down etc...and trust me when I say, I have kept quite a "POSITIVE" attitude giving some of our differences. He says of course that us getting married was a mistake (and sure enough it was I suppose if we divorce) and that there was never any love there. And when I felt that we had alot in common w/the way we were brought up etc., I am being asked what that was & why I felt that way????!!! When in fact ladies, there was lots of commonality & love there...probably too much...and of course I felt love from him in order to see him as my husband and for me to marry him...but guess I was just so dillusional I wanna cry...or laugh!!! You see how insanity could easily result from this situation. Did I mention at any point that there are three children involved??????? OMG.

Oh yeh & by the way...after us going thru this drama & us having the discussion about when would be the best time for me to start looking for a place to live etc. I can tell you b/c I've been thru this so many times, that he will eventually come back around & act almost as if all of this never really occurred. Of course only to do it again before June and our 2nd year anniversary were to hit ;( My question is to myself has to be how I fell in love w/a person w/such confusion in his brain?? If it were an easy task to rearrange schools & lives in order to accommodate this maddness, believe me I would've done so. And once I go, I'll never look back...it's just I'm having a hard time grasping this whole situation and where to go from here...oh yeh & I've suggested counseling...it's a no go. Isn't there a point where you quit w/all the reasons, you quit w/all the rationalizing etc. & you just say for whatever reason, there wasn't enough love there to keep you going & things afloat. You know they (and I have been known to as well) say that the "love" word is overrated, but honestly, isn't that the only true thing that keeps marriages & relationships together? Sometimes you can find yourself saying...there's not enough love in the world...but somehow I think I've finally came to the conclusion that if two people love each other enough, they find it...hmmmm.

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:16pm
I do understand your confusion. My STBX of 28 years always use to tell me that Romance and Love were only in the movies if I asked for affection, a hug, holding hands.
Now that the OW is in the picture he adores her, she is special, he emails her all morning and calls her all evening. She lives far away but the romance of the two of them has taken over our life. He says he would do anything for this woman. He also said he would give her whatever affection he could cause he did indeed always love her. met her 29 years ago and now just getting back with her.
I tried so hard to love this man as I did love him. I use to make his underwear and shirts for him. I offered to remove his boots when he got home from work. I am a good cook, seamstress etc. I got to where I didnt like cooking for him cause no matter how great the meal it was just either too much, not enough, too hot or too cold.
We were married to each other three times but never really apart but for a few weeks. Dont let this man jerk you around for so many years as I did. He said he only stayed for the kids. so evidently each time I married him was for the kids. We did have a good sex life so I hope he finds he cannot place that at least LOL
I am just saying that with these children he may play these games for 30 yrs. dont let him. move on with your life and find someone who will love you and respect you and fulfill you the way you need and deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:12pm

The people who evoke so much confusion in the brain.... are very lovable (and manipulative) on the front end--ie:


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:22pm

thx for your reply...yes i have to agree...it's funny b/c he "says" he wants a divorce, but when he finds out that i am seriously apt shopping, he acts as if he's angry about that...yes, much confusion they cause...i try my best not to stress over & it & let whatever happen, happen...w/children you can't really go wrong by staying unless it's really abusive...and you really can't go wrong by leaving if you decide to either...it's sad concerning wanting the "ideal" for the children, but they adjust & know only what they have been given until someone tells them differently to make them feel bad...it's me who allows him the control over me to cause me stress...i'm really working hard on making plans & see exactly what all my options are so if i need to move at a moments notice, i can...hopefully that will help me to not end up in such a frazzled state when he says "he's divorcing me" & i need to leave or whatever about "his" lawyer...i know my rights since i've seen a lawyer & those won't really chg for a few more years or like you said, the 10 yr mark & don't think i'll need to worry about that happening ;~(

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:27pm
also - it's interesting b/c tonight i was watching Oprah talk about her & Stedman(?) and how he said if they would've gotten married, it would've never worked...she said marriage is about expectation & after living thru some of it, i would have to agree...i think that is our main #1 problem...he has so many expectations of his "wife" & bottomline, i can't live up to them...he says i'm a good mother, but not a good wife, lol...at first of course i got defensive, but after thinking thoroughly about it, he's right...or at least not a good wife to him b/c his expectations of a wife are pretty traditional...if i ever marry again (which totally doubt i would) it's going to have to be someone who has more of an open mind about himself, marriage & what a wife is to him...i've learned alot thru this...maybe it'll pay off, maybe i'll be to scared to find out, lol...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:08pm

I can top that one.... my EX told me that I was like the mother he never had :-) (GAG!)--he told me that while we were still married.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:58pm
wow - yeh that is a scary one - hmmmm...it's funny that you mention b/c when i got married i thought i was marrying a very independent guy...he had his own nice brand new 3 bedroom house, good job, cleaned just like i did on the wkend, cooked great meals etc...i thought wow, his momma raised him right...i reality she didn't raise him much at all...she was 15 when she had him & had him ironing clothes & sewing at the age of 10...so sure, it was great in some respects, but i think he missed that love, affection & attention at an early age & now i would be the one to have to give it to him...hmmmm, great winning situation there...i've already got 3 that take more energy than i can bare...so obviously he's going to be disappointed, hurt, frustrated, angry & all the other negative emotions...gotta find a balance somewhere...this wasn't it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:08pm

Did we marry the same guy?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:20am

I was thinking about this today... The "expectations" of a wife, especially a SAHM. My husband's mom did it ALL (but wasn't there emotionally). He says the same thing to me. He thinks that I'm a GREAT mom, but he has built resentments about other little things. Like.. I don't like to take Lauren to the store with me, I may ask him to pick up a couple of things on the way home from work, I call him too much at work, my house isn't perfect, and I do ask him to chip in the housework.

Some of these things can change, but some of them will not. I'm not his mother, and he's definitley greatful for that in the good ways, but he still holds resentments for her "perfect" ways. He wants a total perfect package that just doesn't exist. I'm still hoping that we can work through these resentments (in counseling) and get past most of this. I'm just not ready to give up and throw in the towel. My daughter is 2 and I am 3 mths pg with #2. I feel like it is totally robbing them of a "real" family and childhood by giving up too easily.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:27am

it sounds like your situation is not uncommon...when someone in the relationship is not seeing what's important (yes alotta times it's the man) & what's not, it just means there is need of growth...and where this idea of perfection comes from or unrealistic expectation, i have no clue...but what i do know is that it can kill relationships as quick as they were started...unfortunately that growth doesn't occur overnight & sometimes never does, so it's simply a choice of whether you feel it's worth it & can deal w/it in order to stay...if you do stay, the most important thing for you is figure out how you are going to deal w/it in order to keep some sanity & peace of mind about things...also to not get involved in the drama of the other person...it's good that your husband is at least committed to counseling & you are right to feel the way that you do to not give up w/children involved...everyone knows what is right for them and being on both ends, i no longer judge women that stay or women that leave b/c i know both decisions can be very difficult...ESPECIALLY w/children involved...i just love these boards b/c at least you know you're not the only one going thru it & can get some much needed support during these trying situations...keep writing!!! :)

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:31pm
yeh - someone adv a book at one point that was supposed to be something like that...about how different people relate love to how they were raised...of course i don't believe it educated you on how to show your love in the destructive ways in which your ex was used to...it really is crazy when you think about it...if they only know the abusive side of life then they will do anything to seek it out...he probably wanted you to act like his mother when you found out about the affairs etc...all to get a reaction...one thing i've learned when experiencing & reading about relationships is that probably 90% of people need to undergo some major therapy & medication...if it were physical wounds, we would all be in the emergency room lined out the doors of hospitals...but b/c it's the spiritual stuff that no one can see, we all try to go about business as usual, thinking that we'll never have to take care of or heal ourselves...not!!!