Socializing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Socializing
6
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:41am

After being in an abusive relationship for over 20 years and separated for almost 1 year I am still feeling fairly insecure and self conscious about myself. I have a good job, deal with the public daily and have some wonderful family and friends my problem is that I fell insecure about myself outside of these elements. I have met through mutual friends another woman who is recently separated as well and looking for a single friend to socialize with. We have met on several occasions and we seem to get along fine. She is much more social than I am or have been in the past. This weekend she wants to go out and go dancing. This is something I have not done for eons. I am feeling so self conscious that I almost feel sick. I know that it is because stbx constantly put me down and made me feel this way about myself through his abusive behaviour.
I want to be more social and to meet new friends but how do I get over this feeling and not lock myself up in my house for the rest of my life. I am terrified and the weekend is still three days away!!

Does or has anyone else felt this way??? And how do you get past this?? any advice on this would be welcome!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:44am

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In a word--ABSOLUTELY! I have been there, done that. After a long time of verbal abuse, I found myself doubting everything I said and did, even though I knew that I was a very capable woman. You are not the first to feel like this!

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By doing exactly what you are doing. Taking the action to do things that you're not comfortable with. Socializing and reaching out will make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself. It did for me. I will also suggest you take steps to educate yourself, read books about verbal abuse and recovering self-esteem, talk to a therapist. When I understood why my ex was behaving as he did, it took away some of the power the abuse had over me. I was more able to understand that it was not my fault. I urge you to see a counsellor if you can--talk to a women's shelter for a referral.

I would also suggest you not rush right into another romantice relationship. When we are abused, we lose sight of who we are...that takes some time to re-discover.

Definitely continue to seek out other single people, women especially. Join a group that participates in a hobby you like. Be very active. Do things your ex didn't approve of during the marriage. Trust me, freedom of choice is a wonderful thing.

I divorced after 19 years of an increasingly abusive marriage and it doesn't heal overnight and it does take work. I am SO MUCH HAPPIER than ever before.

There's a quote I like and say to myself when I doubt or am in fear.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is taking action in spite of fear."

Anybody out there know who said this?

Good luck with this weekend's outing--I wish you courage.

Cupcake


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:55am

I recommend books written by Patricia Evans about surviving abuse. She explains what's going on extremely well.

Any other readers have suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:19pm
Definitely get yourself to the library for some of the suggested reading. In the meantime, you need to spend some time acclimating yourself to the idea of going out dancing. Perhaps you should spend a little time each evening preparing clothes and make up. Maybe even put them on and admire yourself a bit. :-) Put on some music and dance around the living room, while always re-assuring yourself that you do not have to dance this weekend if the mood does not take you. If you choose, it is perfectly OK to just go and watch others dance. Spend some time imagining what it will be like, scenarios that might occur, fantasize a bit! Get your head into the game, girl. You are going to have some fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 12:40pm

If you think about it, your xh did not completely erode your self-esteem and self-confidence over night. It was a long, slow process. So is getting it back. Take baby steps. Slowly push yourself to go out of your comfort zone and try new things. Go shopping and buy a drop dead gorgeous outfit, we always feel much better when we know we look good in new clothes. Slowly start going out with this new friend. Have a goal for each night you go out, one night it may be to just go. You don't have to dance or do anything that you are uncomfortable with. The next time maybe have a goal to talk to two people you don't know. Just start up a conversation and make small talk. You deal with the public, you can do it. Eventually, you will be dancing on the bar (ok, maybe not that extreme, lol).

What I want you to see is that it is a process and you can do it. Start looking in the mirror and saying positive things to yourself. It may seem silly but it really works. I don't know if you have noticed, but I know when I am feeling good and I smile at strangers they tend to smile back and I might say, "hello" in passing. But when I don't feel good or I am mad, I walk by people and don't even notice the people around me. Start noticing people and the things around you.

Slowly you will start to gain your self-confidence back. But once you get it back, don't EVER give anyone the power to take it away from you. How we view and think of ourselves is so much more important than what anyone else thinks. Like who are and the rest of the people don't matter.

Good Luck!

AS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:18pm

Thanks ladies!! It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. This morning after I posted I was about to call and cancell. You all gave me the encouragement to go out this weekend!! This is new to me to have someone push me in a positive ways! Thanks! I have ordered the recommended books from the library and they should be here later this week!!!
I have but one more question!!! What does one wear to go out these days!!
Thanks again for all your encouragement. I'll keep you posted as to how it went!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:28am

As the others have said, the way you're feeling is totally normal for your situation. I went out with the girls really soon after the separation & I felt like a fish out of water. I felt afraid that my ex would hear about it and give me a hard time (since I was never allowed to go out with the girls when we were together), I felt like I didn't belong there and I was doing something wrong. But I was just there dancing with the girls and having nothing to do with guys at this point, and I realized I was doing nothing wrong. I was feeling bad because I had become trained to feel that way, and I had to start breaking that cycle. The next time we went out I felt a little more comfortable, and the next time I did get up for a few dances, and now when we go out I'm dancing all night. I'm so glad to hear you're going to go for it. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself about it.

As for what to wear, ask your friend whether she's been to this spot before and what the dress is like - some places are dressier than others. I'd aim for average for the location you're going to (probably a dressy shirt and dressy jeans or dress pants). You want to wear something you feel pretty in, but if you go too racy your first outing you're going to feel self conscious all night. As you become more comfortable, feel free to wear something a little more flashy - you're allowed to have fun now.

-sang