Sole custody....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sole custody....
15
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 11:04am

I have a question ladies.


My ex husband gave me sole custody of my 2 children without a fight. I live in NY. The divorce was final 1/18.


His girlfriend likes to threaten custody based on things she "thinks" she knows about my life. The one she picked this weekend was that we plan on moving this summer to a better town and school district. She lives in the West Side of Buffalo, HIGH crime and REALLY bad area, but "owns" the house. She thinks that the kids would be better off with her and my XH, because we will be moving atleast once more before buying a house next year.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:21am

I don't think ignoring her is working. You need to do something to stand up to her, preferably without directly confronting her. The ideas that come to mind are 1) having your attorney write her a letter saying that the harrassment coming from her is causing problems and if she doesn't stop you will take her to court and 2) showing the letters to your ex and telling him you will be back in court if this continues. I feel like you have to do something so she will stop harrassing you, perhaps you can get a restrating order that she is not allowed to contact you directly.

Another idea I kind of like is taking her up on her offer - tell her to go for it, talk to an attorney about what it takes to get sole custody away from a mother that was just granted sole custody and then say you know her words are just WORDS and they mean absolutely nothing. This wouldn't be so much a confrontation as letting her know flat out that you know what she does is meaningless and that it will not get to you because she has no power in this situation. Then kindly close the door in her face.

Like the one poster says, I am a big fan of trying to education the other person. That book "Ex-etiquette" was written by a mom and a step-mom that hated each other at first, and they got past it so it must be possible. I also think what your ex's gf is doing is bordering on PAS and perhaps giving her some books on that might help her see her own actions more clearly. Give her the book with a note that says "I want to get past this and work together in the children's best interests." Sometimes people push and push because they want a fight, and if you respond with each aggresive action with a nice action (comment) that gets them to put their defenses down. So she expects you to yell and scream and you say "I understand you are angry, lets talk about it and see if we can work this out together" she's not going to know what to do with that. She wants you to say "You will never get my kids you w*tch" and if you say tell her you want to understand what is bothering her and find a solution together she's going to be off guard. Or you could even be more drastic, say if she sends you a threatening email you say back "Custody has already been decided but if there is something you feel I can do to help further the relationship between my ex, you and the children, let me know and I will be happy to talk to you about that," I mean, what the heck would she say to that... is she going to take that email into court so you can hold up her threatening emails and she'll hold up yours showing that while you're holding your ground, you are also the nicest ex-wife in the county? Maybe being the most sincerely nice and obviously helpful person will get her to stop.

I don't think your attorney is correct about the age of 14. Even at 14 I don't think any state lets the children just pick who to live with. It is more likely that in your state a judge will listen to the wishes/concerns of the 14 year old, but they will try to decide what is in the best interests of the child and that means understanding how responsible the child is, why the child wants to make the change, what the parents want and why, and perhaps what a GAL or expert witness has to say. If a 16 year old goes into court and says "Mom keeps grounding me and dad says he'll buy me a car if I live with him" you can bet there will be no change in custody.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:38am

Thank you so much!


You have to be one of the wisest people I have ever met! Your advice on this board is wonderful to everyone and this just further proves it.


You are 100% right. I think I will go out and get that book. It's been recommended a lot, so I definitely think it is worth checking into.


I have tried the nice approach and that seems to make her more mad. She has been emailing me for months now threatening taking custody, but she replies with "Allyn and I are very happy living our single life" amongst her insults of me....lol. I do think she has mental problems and wants the confrontation. I went from ignoring her completely, to being overly nice, to ignoring, to filing a report with the police department ( which they can't do anything unless threats are thrown at me physically ) to being nice again.... then after the divorce.... I went back to blocking her from being able to contact me at all. But that didn't work either. She got a new email addy everyday and sent me an email from it insulting me and/or telling me she was "warning" me. I think it might be a good idea to contact my attorney. Maybe a legal letter, even if I have to pay for it will scare her into leaving me alone. I wish there was more I could do.


My boyfriend said to me, worry about what happens in this house, who cares what she thinks about you, she doesn't know you and she doesn't care about the kids. She will get hers eventually. Don't waste your breath justifying your life when she is the one who had an affair with a married man who had a pregnant wife. She has to live with that, not you.


Sometimes I think he is a wise man ;)


Hugs,


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:46am

I think you bf is very smart. What if you just took the attitude that when you get an email, you say "Oh now isn't this one creative!" hit print, hole punch it and put it in your "letters from an insane woman" notebook. You let her comments roll off your back but have the added benefit that she's stupid enough to put it in writing. Also, save the emails electronically so they can hopefully see you did not copy them into Word and edit them.

After this post, I agree that absolutely nothing you do will work. Perhaps a letter from your attorney (with copies of her emails attached) is worth a try, but if that doesn't work, just keep documenting it and know in your heart she is hurting only herself with these actions. The attitude you take is what determines how it affects you. If you read a threatening email from her and get angry, you are going to feel stress and internal pain (emotional and perhaps physical). If you get a nasty email from her and laugh your a$$ of at how stupid she is, that is going to make it have a totally different affect on you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:49am

What I would do first is..... write that letter yourself, very professionally, stating that she needs to stop contacting you regarding custody matters about the children, and that all discussions pertaining to that must be directed through your EX or his representing attorney, and if the harassment (through e mails, telephone or face to face contact)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:58am

I just wanted to add another thought (now that I am in agreement with others that ignoring is probably your only real option, but perhaps one letter from the attorney or cc'ing the attorney is possibly worth a shot)...

I am reading a book and the book says something along the lines of stress is caused by you resisting something. Trying to get this woman to stop the harrassing emails is going to drive you nuts because she might never stop. If you don't resist it, and instead just accept that getting these and saving them is part of life - like changing the kitty litter, cleaning mud off the children's shoes, cleaning throw up off the rug or other unfun activities - then her ability to cause you stress is gone. You will have taken the power away from her and taken control over the situation by accepting it, minimizing it's importance and the amount of energy and time you spend thinking/worrying about it.

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