Is the solution obvious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Is the solution obvious?
2
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:01pm
My husband and I are at a breaking point- we can't reach a solution or compromise that works for us. We've had long (but pleasant) conversations about your situation... yet we can't find the answer. He works long hours during the week and makes separate social plans on most weekends. He has admitted that he drinks too much when he goes out, but he will not cut back on the number of nights out (it's just "who he is"). I'm 27 and am pregnant with #4 (not planned, but always a blessing). He is overwhelmed with the kids (all 5 and under) and I'm a stay-at-home-mom feeling the burden of him not being around enough. For once we're not fighting... I actually started to accept the situation until it dawned on me that it was really killing me inside. But he swears that he loves me and the kids and he is afraid to lose us- he doesn't want the kids to see him drunk or hungover. But I'm afraid that the topic of divorce is soon approaching... it's like I've changed and he hasn't, which isn't anyone's fault I suppose. But I'm feeling pretty resentful of him and his neverending social/drinking life, and if I try to change his habits, he starts to become resentful of me. But because our family is big, I can't handle the thought of my kids suffering, plus I have no income to support us without him. I'm hoping to get some advice and to see if the answer is obvious from someone on the outside (but please no criticism... I'm already feeling pretty low about the whole situation). Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 8:17am

Oh my dear, I am so sorry.

I hope you have a counselor irl to talk through this with. That is key. Divorce would be a huge leap with 3 kids and a 4th on the way.

Does your h make good money? At least, if so, there might be child support and spousal support.

Do you have family anywhere that you could move to who could provide housing or other support?

Obviously I do not know the full story, but your h does not sound like he is acting like a responsible h and father. Responsible fathers of 3 young children don't go out drinking and partying every weekend.

One thing I guess I have learned is that my stbx can't change -- he is as he is and that is someone who can barely hold it together for himself much less a family. I wanted more from him and let him know that and for that he became resentful and is leaving -- totally abandoning his responsibilities except for those I can legally impose on him through divorce.

Sounds like you have come to that realization about your h. Still, maybe counseling could help you both -- absolutely worth a try, especially if he says he doesn't want to lose you -- if he doesn't then he has to work at the marriage and make changes. Definitely see if you can get him to go to counseling and do some individual for yourself.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:24am
I'm in a similar situation except I have 3 children - one from a previous relationship. My husband as well is a big "partier" who works alot etc. I don't mind him going out of town on business, but it's the other stuff that I've had a problem w/...I was hoping maybe he'd just grow up concerning that & other things such as his "unhappiness" in the marriage or complaints about me, however those possibilities look bleaker as the more time passes. I'm not happy in the situation & if money permitted, I would've been gone...but...I as well was out of work for over a yr w/the twins (yep, i really lucked out w/him) and it has taken alot of time & hard work to build myself back up financially, emotionally etc. & I'm still not where I need to be to be able to provide as a single parent. People can say, divorce, leave etc. all day when it's not them, their 3 children or banking accts that they are looking at. To be able to have a husband that treats you & a marriage w/some respect, you have to have it for yourself first - meaning, you've gotta pull yourself up & make yourself financially, emotionally & even possibly physically independent & start taking control of your life....oh yeh!!! and quit having kids w/this man... I know many women in our situation, but once the kid came & they saw that partying, golf or whatever didn't take a back burner, they didn't have anymore...And the fact still remains, even if you get a job & gain some financially stability and ground of your own, you are still gonna need lots of help w/ the children - of course hopefully divorcing & setting up child support/custody etc. would help to free some of the huge weight off of you - the fact is, he's going to have to own up at some point, when you stop enabling him by just being there to always watch the kids etc...I'm in the same type situation, but know that it's only a matter of time before I get out...I have to make sure that myself & my children are taken care of first before I have the luxury of divorce...good luck - hugs!