Some Help Please
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| Sun, 07-13-2008 - 8:04pm |
Ladies,
I hope that you can help me and are willing to do so.
I will open by saying that yes I am a guy. I know that the primary focus for this site is for ladies but I ahve not found anything else like this on the web.
Friday night my wife of over 10 years told me it was over and to leave.
We had been having various problems for a while, and had been working on them. I have had a problem with honesty and financial management. Her with opening up about things and talking with them She would turn everything inside and be unwilling to talk. She also appeared reluctent to understand how hard it is to quit smoking and the problems I was having dealing with my time in Iraq. Even with this I still love her and miss her. I have never cared for anyone anything close to how much I care for her.
Caught in the middle is our 3 and a half year old daughter. She is the center of my universe - the reason for my existence and my greatist joy in life.
I did not argue when asked to leave as i did not want to cause problems that would affect our daughter.
I went and got a room at a local motel, I waited for the call that she said she would make. The next day I went and got some bags that she had packed for me and we talked a little about finances. She told me to find a hotel room for a week and then get a apartment near my work. I got to see our daughter for maybe 10 minutes.
I did get a room. and I have been here ever sense then. I feel hollow and I miss my daughter so much it makes me physically sick. I can not sleep and the worst nightmares from my time overseas have returned.
I do not know what to do and simply want to be with our daughter.
what do I do now? how do I survive this?
Thank you for your time and any help
Whiskey504

thank you Cypher,
I have spend almost all of the day here at the hotel, wanting to go see my girl... and not doing it as I do not want to make her mom mad. I know that my daughter would love to see me - we have always been very close. But I have to work to build the trust so I can get time with her later. Spent some time looking online for a apartment. Decided that one of my requirements would be a pool so my daughter could come over and swim.
As for the rest of it. Things had not been going well for a while. My wife and I just could not seem to communicate well. Plus I was trying to quit smoking, would slip and then try to deny it. Wrong on my part but she took the breach of trust very hard. I do not know why I lied when the evidence was right there and she could smell it on me. About 4 months ago she moved me into the spare bedroom and stopped sex between us. She did not trust me enough. again I can understand that - I did not like it but could understand it.
From there she just got more closed. Then on friday she asked/told em to leave.
This weekend has been the worst 48 hours of my life. Even combat in Iraq was not this bad.
I have had some thoughts that have scared me. Nothing about anyone else but some about myself......
I am going to try to go monday morning and try to get help at the VA ( I was retired for medical reasons after I got back from Iraq )
I hope that something helps. Right now life frankly sucks, and my only anchor is my daughter... at least the wife left her pictures in my wallet when she gave it back.
Take care and thanks
Whiskey504
Thank you for the kind words. I did get to spend some time with my daughter today. Talked with the wife some also. She is having a hard time with this but does agree to not hold visitation from me. The limiting factor will be work. With my hours I will not get to see her in the evenings anymore. But I look forward to the weekends.
After talking with the wife I am thinking more that this will be a separation - divorce then just a separation. we are not the people we used to be and we do not mesh like we used to. At this point I am going to focus everything on my little girl and concentrate on her and I.
Talked with the docs at the VA today and got some counseling, plus some stuff to try to quit smoking, and depression, and not sleeping.
We will see how it goes...
Hey - good news - the wife just called so i could wish my little girl goodnite!
so I get to hit the sack with a smile today.. :-)
Whiskey504
I just read your post, and our situations have a lot of similarities, except I am the woman in the marriage.
P
I am new to this message business but saw your message. Firstly, don't panic. I can imagine the separation and the suddenness makes you feel very upset. Think about what upsets you most, then think what action you could take that would help. Feeling you have hit rock bottom can also mean that you can start on the way back up again. You clearly need time to rebuild things, and you have to start by taking care of yourself. Learn some relaxation techniques, and find support, either from family and friends or professional therapists. It sounds like you have carried a lot around and things have just reached a head. Your wife might just have reached the point of needing to force changes. Maybe with some time apart and if you can work on your own stress and on facing financial realities, you'll be able to rebuild your relationship with her.
My husband hid financial troubles from me, and he also suffers from post-traumatic stress. I think that the two things are related, because he feels up to his eyeballs in stress from the past and so can't face money realities. But running away doesn't help! And it has torn our relationship apart. Being open with your wife about money isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength! It is a step on the road to dealing with all the things that are bothering you. It sounds stupid, but eat well, don't drink too much and get some regular exercise, take time to look around you and think about what simple things give you pleasure, find peaceful places, in nature if possible. Take it a step at a time - you will find you are stronger than you feel right now.
I can see that you are panicking about losing your daughter. Please remember that if you really take care of yourself, you'll be better able to look after her. Being separated from your wife, for a while or long-term, doesn't have to mean losing the relationship with your daughter. Have confidence. If you love her like you say, she will feel that and your life will be richer because she is there. She will always be your daughter and no-one can replace her dad. Think of how much you have to give her, even if you can't demonstrate it much just now. She can be a good reason for healing yourself. She is lucky to have a Dad who loves her so much. She is young now but there are many years ahead and if you don't give up, and get through the difficulties at the moment, you can look forward to a long and happy relationship with her. To get there, you are going to have to find a peaceful way forward with your wife, whatever you both decide to do. Don't panic and end up fighting over her, if you can avoid it. Good luck and all the best!