Someone please help me
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| Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:40pm |
It's my first time posting here and have only been a member of ivillage for 2 weeks. I'm 32 years old and been married for five years and have been thinking of getting out of my marriage since a month after being married. I need help...people who will tell me I'll be okay when I'm crying, lead me through the process and understand what I'm going through. I don't have a support network in place other than my family who are five hours away and don't have any "friends" where I live that I can turn to. My husband moved us from my hometown four months after we were married and is so controlling I can't even go to dinner with the girls from work without getting an attitude or having him call me every 15 minutes to see what I'm doing. I've never cheated on him so he has no basis for doing so other than his controlling/insecure nature. I didn't have many friends prior to getting married and have managed to lose touch with all but one of them since being married (she's 5 hours away as well). I feel like a prisoner. What's even worse is he works 14 hours a day, six days a week. I guess in a way it's a good thing so I don't have to be around him.
I don't love my husband and never did. We got married VERY quickly after meeting. I know he doesn't love me either. He and I are just the same in that neither one of us want to be the one to end things as it is outside our comfort zone. I do my best to be as good a wife as I can be under the circumstances but there truly isn't one thing I like about him. I've made a list of the things I like about him and those I dislike and the only thing in the "likes" column is that he's a sharp dresser...figures, it goes along with his vanity. He's lied to me from the day we met. The best was that he had only been married twice and had two kids...I found out six months later after having to call ex-#2 that I was actually his fifth wife and he had five kids (he only acknowledges 2 though). I made the decision to stick with him and try to make the marriage work. It never got any better. I've gone to numerous counselors yet haven't made any progress. He's verbally abusive and thinks women are only good to fulfill his every need. He is emotionally shut off from the world. I'm his last priority and can't count on him for anything..partly because I can't believe a word he says. I've tried talking to him about things but he gets livid and throws a tantrum about how hard he works and can't believe I want more from him...all I wanted was to feel important. I know I need to be away from him as he isn't the kinds of person I want to be around. I want out.
I'm alone in what I consider a strange city with no one to turn to. I've cried wolf so many times to the people I work with that I was leaving, I don't even bring it up anymore. The same thing with my parents. Everyone is tired of hearing me talk about how miserable I am, yet I do nothing about it. How do I find the courage to end it? We don't have any children, no house, I have a good job, nothing to stop me from leaving yet I'm terrified to do so. I'm afraid of the pain I know I'll experience even though I don't love him. Please help me.

First of all, I want to say welcome... you have found a tremendous source of support in this little corner of cyberspace...
It sounds like you're in a really tough place... and I've heard and I firmly believe that we will remain in a situation for much longer than we should just because we're not miserable ~enough~ to rise above the fear of the pending change...
As far as advice goes... start preparing yourself for the road ahead... if you've cried wolf in the past, you're right, you may not be able to count on those people... but you can count on yourself... start gathering financial records and making copies of them... establish your own bank account if you do not have one all ready... seek some counseling for some of the issues you're dealing with--I know that I spoke with my pastor a great deal during my divorce and it was absolutely free... just an idea if cost is keeping you from therapy...
In addition, I would encourage you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline... 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224... while your post says nothing about any physical abuse, the things your stbx has put you through over the years are definitely examples of emotional abuse... they may be able to assist you with getting over some of the obstacles that you may be seeing in the way, as divorce is a big mountain to climb...
The good news is that you can do it... but it is up to you to do it... you can't rely on him to do it, nor can you rely on him to make you happy...
Sending lots of hugs your way... I hope to "see" you again here and get to know you better!
*hugs*
Julie
Take a deep breath. It's going to be OK. Difficult, but OK.
"Everyone is tired of hearing me talk about how miserable I am, yet I do nothing about it."
First, don't be so hard on yourself. I did the same thing for years and years on end. I went so far as to file for divorce three years ago, change my mind and take him back, only to file again this time. So I understand how hard it is to let go.
"How do I find the courage to end it?"
Truly, I found this board a great source of inspiration and encouragement when I was making the final decision to divorce. I would suggest sticking around here, reading the posts, and getting feedback.
"We don't have any children, no house, I have a good job, nothing to stop me from leaving yet I'm terrified to do so."
While it may be marginally easier to logistically leave when you have no children and limited assets together, it is still emotionally difficult.
"I'm afraid of the pain I know I'll experience even though I don't love him. Please help me."
Ask yourself this question, can you really go on and lead a happy, fulfilling and productive life in this marriage?
HUGS to you.
welcome and hugs. you have described, in a nutshell, the essence of this particular board - it is full of <>> the members of this board have been a lifesaver for me when i was going thru MY divorce. and i know i speak on behalf of most of us when i say that i know how MY feelings and attitudes changed, and i saw how others have changed - people came here feeling (and expressing) fear and anger - and they ended up feeling (and expressing) growth and strength. so i promise you this - you will get thru this. this board will HELP you - but YOU will do this and you will emerge a stronger and healthier person.
i was in a second marriage that sounds similar to what you are describing
Lonely...
I am pretty new here, too. And, I am also the one who instigated the divorce. I've been unhappy for years and not wanting to face why. Once I did, I had very similar feelings as you. All I can really say is that when I looked at life in my marriage, it was pretty bleak and dark. When I looked at life with divorce in it, I saw a long dark tunnel but - here's the big difference - there was a LIGHT at the end of it. I decided to focus on that light and "gear up" for the tunnel between me and it. I won't lie - it can be a pretty dark, cold tunnel - but now that I am in the threshold and can feel the wonderful heat of that light on my face, I know the tunnel was worth it. Hope is a very powerful drug.
{HUGS}
Kristi