Sometimes I panic
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| Wed, 04-26-2006 - 1:58pm |
I don't know if it's because I'm in the final weeks before the divorce is REALLY final, or what, but lately I completely panic. I find I am grasping for anything to take me away from my pain. I want everything to be sorted out, but I want someone else to do it. I want someone to surprise me and say here's your new apartment, a great new job, and some spending money to get you started so you don't have to worry any more! Phew, right? Wrong! I know I am the one that has to make these changes, but I can't seem to do it right now. I guess the bottom line is, I'm still so sad and having trouble accepting my marriage is really over and he doesn't love me anymore.
I have always set such high standards for myself and had goals. My therapists says it's natural to feel like I'm drifting because I feel like so much has been done to me. I had no choices in this at all. He ended the marriage by cheating on me, leaving me, never telling me about her and never intending to. He moved on and I'm left beyond miserable. Sometimes I'm devstated and crying and other times I feel on fire with rage at him.
It's so hard to be patient and find peace in this process isn't it?! Most days I think to myself, "Will someone just wake me up when this is over and I feel better? Until then I don't really want to be a part of it!"
Any words of encouragement or that someone is going through the same thing would be so helpful.
Trying to be strong,
Kate

Hey Kate...
Divorce is never easy and especially not in a situation like yours where you feel that he made all the decisions and choices about the rest of ~your~ future... I never understood how it took two to get married, but only one to get divorced and there was a period in my life where I was heartbroken beyond belief, lost, confused and enraged... all at the same time...
I'm glad to hear that you're in counseling... that can help so much... to have that as an outlet... I also enjoyed journaling during my difficult times... Have you considered seeing your doctor to see if there is something he can perscribe to help with some of your symptoms... anti-anxiety medicine can sometimes help, as can anti-depressants in other situations... They can really work wonders too... I remember one day, not too long after I had started taking my anti-depressant that I realized I was smiling... didn't know why, but I was smiling... and then I realized it had been a while since I had done that... it was a pretty amazing feeling...
This will get better with time... try to do nice things for yourself... in doing so you'll be looking out for number one! Is there a concert you want to go to? A movie? A new CD you really want? small splurges and acknowledging that you are doing this as a special treat for you can work wonders...
Keep us posted...
*hugs*
Julie