Son blames me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Son blames me...
6
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:32pm
Hello all. I have been lurking for awhile and think you all give some good advice. I have been seperated now for about 3 months though we have been living in the same house til it is sold. We have a 7 and 1/2 yr old son. Lately my son has been saying things like " As soon as the house is sold I'm going to live with dad" and things like that. Well his dad works 2nd shift and it is not possible for him to be the primary caregiver. My son has pretty much always seen his father only on weekends. Until the mention of divorce my husband was really not that great of a father. Now that we are divorcing my husband has decided to become super dad. My son has loved this because now dad is lots of fun and really attentive to him on the weekends. Mom is the mean one that makes him do homework and eat his dinner and go to bed on time. Dad is fun. I also think that my son thinks I am responsible for the divorce because when my husband and I sat down to tell him about our break up I ended up doing most of the talking because, as usual, my husband wouldn't/couldn't step up to the plate. I guess my question is how do I deal with my son's mean words and outbursts about wanting to go live with his dad? He has become really defiant and I feel like I am losing my previously loving sweet boy! I wish I could tell my son that his father has lied to me and cheated on me but I know that is not the right thing to do. I know boys need their fathers but it is breaking my heart how he is treating me. Any suggestions on what to say to my son when he says or does mean things? Should I just ignore it? Will it get worse or better with time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:47pm

Cindy, I feel for you, I really really do.

When I was 12 I went to live with my father after my parents divorced. I blamed my mom for the whole thing and felt sorry for poor old dad. I ignored the fact that my dad had barely been a dad, and I had no idea that he had cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. My mom didn't tell me about the cheating until I was much older and I had a lot of respect for her for having the restraint in not telling me what a jerk my dad was until the time was right. Especially because I was horrible to her at times. I don't know if I could have been as good as she was.

When I lived with my father I found out that the party wasn't all that great. My dad was a workaholic and barely paid attention to what we did. He married a horrible woman and she verbally abused me for the short duration of my stay. I only lasted 6 months. I then realized how much being with my mom felt like home and went running back.

Maybe your son will have similar realizations. I sure hope he does. In the meantime, hang in there and know you're a good mom and THAT is why he's behaving like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:02pm
Sometimes I wish it would be possible for my son to live with my husband for awhile so he could realize that life with dad wouldn't be all roses. Because of his schedule, that he has pretty much been on all through our marriage, I don't think it will ever be possible for my son to live with his father. Belive me I would like a break sometimes! Being a single parent is HARD! My husband is taking my son to a family wedding in CA for a week. I will be interested to see if my husband can keep up "the fun" that long of if he will have to become "mean" at some point. I just don't want my son's anger towards me to grow. I just really don't know what to say to him. My mom is having him spend the night this weekend and she says she will try to talk to him and see where his head is at and try to tell him not to be so tough on me. My mom says at some point when he gets older she thinks I could clue him in on some of the reasons why we divorced so maybe he would have a better perspective, but until that time, do I just shoulder the "blame" and suck it up? I've signed up my son for a group counseling sessions at his school. I hope that will help him to at least talk things out and maybe the counselor will also tell him it's not all mom's fault!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:13pm

Hugs to you Cindy.


I was the heavy in my house. So when my ex moved out, my kids said that the only thing they missed about him NOT being there was that their leeway was gone.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 3:46pm
Thanks Di! I know I shouldn't let a 7 year olds tantrums make me feel so bad. I have always had thin skin I guess. I know I need to toughen up. I have my son in a school sponsored support group now and depending on how that goes I may have to seek other professional help for him if things progressively get worse. Unfortunately child therapists are in such high demand in my area that it literally can take a year to get to see one! I found this out when my son was diagnosed with ADHD. We ended up sending him to a neurologist instead of psychologist for treatment since he could get in quicker. I hope things will calm down in time once things become more routine and he realizes that he will still see his dad even after we sell the house and move to seperate apartments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 4:05pm

I know it is not easy Cindy. Especially when you know that in order to make things better you had to stir the pot.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 5:26am

hi cindy.

you got some great advice so far, and i wanted to add my 2 cents.

(hope its ok that i will be a little blunt!)

ok - the most important thing for you to understand, is that your son isn't 'treating you' in any way. what i mean is ---- your son is acting (or reacting) in a certain way, and it IS being directed towards YOU, but its not "about" you. your son is reacting to a certain situation in his life, he is young, and probably scared, there is a whole new 'thing' going on in his life. probably he feels that he can't act up to his dad because his dad is the one who 'left' and he doesn't see him all the time, he is probably afraid that if he acts up to his dad, his dad might just leave him altogether (many kids feel that its somehow 'their' fault that their parents got divorced). so he can only really be 'himself' (and this isn't the real 'himself', its just who he is RIGHT NOW, reacting thru his fears) with you. but - you see, its not really about YOU, he is not angry at YOU, he is angry and scared about the 'situation'. so the first thing is that you need to stop reacting towards his behavior as if its something 'personal' against you. and trust me - i KNOW how you feel, i remember when my DS (now 20 YO) , said to me one day "i am going to live with my dad", because dad was fun and didn't have rules, and even tho i KNEW that it was because of the situation, and i knew that it was because dad rarely visited him (until he stopped seeing him completely) and DS knew that *I* would NEVER abanden him, i knew all that - and still, when he said it - i felt like a knife was thrust into my heart.

so - put that aside for now. everything else - the defiance, the mean words - you deal with as you would deal with it at any time, divorce or not. you set up rules and consequences for breaking them (and if, in fact, your son has ADHD, then you know just how important it is to have the rules in place). you write things down: dishes get put into the dishwasher, beds made every day, trash gets taken out at 8, hw gets down by 6 PM, certain words are not spoken in this house, etc. and you set up consequences for rules that are broken (try to have the consequence directly related to the rule for example, if HW isn't done then he can't watch tv). there are many different strategies for setting up the rules - you need to see what works for you. (a book that i personally found very helpful was "Wimpy Parents: From Toddler to Teen-How Not to Raise a Brat" by Kenneth N. Condrell, Linda Lee Small http://www.amazon.com/Wimpy-Parents-Toddler-Teen-How-Raise/dp/0446673676/ref=pd_ybh_a_1/102-8039418-5769742?ie=UTF8)

hang in there. it's not easy for you, it's not easy for chidren. definately this is something that you need to deal with - don't wait for it to get worse. but it is also true that in time, your son will understand more about the logistics of his life, and he may calm down. in the meantime - YOU shold get help for yourself on how to deal with him, and with your guilty feelings.