This is sooooo HARD! Need Support BAD!
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 03-16-2008 - 12:27am |
Thank you for all that contributed to the lawyer and etc. advice.....
It is just so hard to believe that the man you stood up and made this promise to in front of god and family/friends is coming to an end. I know that I can not go back yet he still wants me back.....
This weekend while he had the kids, he wrote me a poem and sent me 4 dozen roses, oh yeah and bought me an ipod and put "meanigful" songs on it (even though we should not be spending ANY $). I can't take it anymore.... I asked him to leave me alone and he can't.... he just can't. I am, obviously, not a strong person and I HATE to make anyone feel bad or hurt... and I know he is counting on this and is using it to his advantage but it is stilll so hard for me.
I just need to know that I can do this ... not only for me, but I would never want this type of relationship for me children. I feel so lost and confused.
HELP!

Given my username is hurtnlost - I am not sure how much I can really help but I do have one thing to offer:
In my case my stbx and I have spent a lot of time talking together (and, admittedly drinking wine on several occasions) and hearing his feelings (good and bad) really have helped me to put some perspective on my own situation. I am the one who was left - and I can most identify with your husband's feelings of desperation. It is really hard to let go. My stbx has made things much easier for me by spending time talking with me. We are going to have to know each other forever, we have always been the best of friends and now we are no longer going to be together. By spending so much time talking (we are currently living in the same house though not sleeping in the same room) - I have been able to see that he really isn't the person I have been in love with. He has really changed and I don't love the person he is - I love the person that he was. Although your reaction might be to turn tail and run away from him - perhaps he needs to hear more from you so he can begin to heal himself.
Many others would disagree with this advice and I don't know if is the right thing for you - only you and your husband know the dynamics of your marriage. If you would feel he would try to manipulate you, this might not be good advice. As for me, I have been dealing with the reality of this situation for a couple of weeks and have been able to see that I am going to be fine - and I am determined to come out of this whole situation a better person than I was.
Of course - if your husband hasn't yet come to the reality of the situation - which is that the marriage is over - all of this talk might not help and might just encourage false hope.
If this is the case -
Give yourself time and space, if that is what you need. Don't accept gifts from him (he will see that as hopeful). Don't lead him on. It is hard enough to be the one left behind. My stbx was harsh with me at the beginning, which forced me to face the situation, realize he meant it when he said he didn't want to be married to me and didn't love me, and I was able to start the process of mourning the death of my marriage.
~hurtnlost
Memphis,
Perhaps you'd benefit from individual counseling? It's natural to have doubts, fears, and feel overwhelmed in the process of separation and divorce. Sometimes that's a sign you really haven't thought through what it is you want from this process. Is divorce the answer? Is something else?
I'd encourage you to take the time to find a qualified therapist who can help you discover what it is you really want from life, (and marriage whether with this husband or another).
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I have to agree with all your advise.