Sorry - all the confusion from my post

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Sorry - all the confusion from my post
10
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:15pm

I just want to apologize for all the confusion from my post. It was not my intention to cause tension among us.

To the poster who sent me the message I felt to be harsh, I understand the we have to put the children first. I agree. However you have to realize I am trying to put my child first. And be it his father or stranger I will not let anyone put him in harms way. His father should never be the person that I have these concerns with just because he has issues with me he cant deal with. Regardless of what you dont put your child in the middle of a situation that is between two adults. Unfortunately that's what he's doing.

You mentioned what a tongue lashing a judge will give me for these issues I complained about which are petty. To me they are very serious.

If your childs own father left your 3 yr old in the same diaper on two occassions for 7 - 9 hours without changing him, how would you feel? If he threw away clothes you paid for that were fine and put him in clothes that were too tight, how would you feel? If he curses you out, refuses to listen to you when you are only trying to inform him of whats important regarding his child and medication, how would you feel? If he walked pass you and left your child with a total stranger, how would you feel? Leaving a 3 yr old with a STRANGER FOR 5 SECONDS is 5 seconds too long. We live in a sick world unfortunately and mother's and father's have killed their own children. If that stranger would have picked up my son and ran with him and hurt him then what. It may sound like an extreme case but lets face it extreme things happen in this world.

A think if a judge doesnt care about these issues then they should get another job that doesnt give them power to make desicions involving other people's children. Im sure if if were their child they would care a great deal about these things.

I never said I was perfect. Im not. However I am being responsible and trying to handle this situation. I do know that the next visit will be better because of what I learned.
I refuse to engage him since I see that he is intent on doing this. But it doesnt give him the right to be manipulative, nasty, and disrespectful.

For those who came to my defense it means a great deal and i will continue using this board because i feel that you guys are part of my extended family.

Thanks Again.
Luvred.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:12pm

All of the things that you mentioned would be irritating but none of them would be fatal or even harmful. Unfortunately we are not able to have judges decide things on what might happen or could happen.

A judge has looked at the situation and decided that your sons dad is not a risk and that he can see the child unsupervised. Had the judge felt he was dangerous he would have been ordered to be supervised or even to take a parenting class or get counseling. Did he order any of that? If not that tells me that in order to change things you are going to have to go in there with a whole lot more than wet diapers and ill fitting clothes.

I am just explaining things from the LAWS eyes. They do not have the time or patience to force 2 grown adults to co parent together. They see young, angry dads who yell and scream and make poor parenting decisions everyday. This is not a unique situation and really not even that bad yet.

I have sat in court and heard a mother explain to a judge that her husband took the kids to Italy 6 weeks before and she had no idea where he or the kids were. I have heard a father who lost his job, home, kids and all money because his ex wife accused him of abuse and sexually molesting their 3 children. He had passed 2 different lie detectors and had been cleared by the police and SRS but still had not seen his kids in over a year.

Both sides can play the manipulation game and judges are keenly aware of that. Witholding visitaion for illness is really, really looked down on. Involving Child Protective Services for anything less than serious abuse is really frowned on as well. I can see a judge saying that due to the hostile exchange in the morning that having a neutral party, ie security guard as the go between, was a sensible choice. Your ex could say that you were within eye sight and he feared a repeat confrontation so he chose to leave the child with the guard in order to avoid conflict. If we were representing him that is how we would spin it in front of a judge for sure. That is how this game is played. Your side is going to try and paint him as the worst father ever and his side is going to try to do the same to you. It is not fair and not pretty and not fun.

The best option is to keep it out of the system as much as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:02pm

Listen I agree that it is best to keep it out of the system as much as possible I agree. He took it there, I couldnt keep him from doing so. As far as a judge deciding that his dad wasnt at risk for visitation these issues have occured after the visitation order was issued. With these things looked at we will see what happens. Im not saying I dont want him to see his son, nor am I expecting a judge to be able to control him, however he has to be shown or told there is behavior that is acceptable and behavior that isnt. Are you telling me that a judge will say its fine for him to behave this way?

Are far as the illness the court order states the party with custody can only cancel a visit due to a substantial medical reason involving the child. Since you say you know the system, What is considered a substantial medical reason for cancelling a visit? My ex cancelled his visit because of bad weather. So it's okay for him to do that but my reason isnt?

You seem to have hostility towards me and I really dont understand why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:06pm
just another comment to you, you mentioned in your first post about how putting a note in the diaper bag worked for you. I even stated that I tried doing the note and even that didnt work with him so.... what else is there to do
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:17pm

I will answer luv but I know you are not going to like it....the answer is stop trying to control the situation.

The child is 3 years old, he only has him for 7 hours, unless he is on life sustaining meds there really is nothing that dad HAS to adminster or know. A 3 year old has enough of a vocabulary that if he likes or does not like something he can let dad know pretty well.

I am sorry if I seem hostile, I am very to the point and tend to lack the "sugar".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:27pm

Substantial medical reason is pretty ambigious and hard to pin down for sure.

If I were working on your ex's case we would ask the judge to spell out exactly what would need to occur for a cancelation to take place. I have seen parenting plans that require a Dr's note stating that the child should not be removed from the mothers home for x amount of days. I have also seen those that say that unless the child is an admitted patient at a hospital visitation would take place.

If the court order states that the party with custody can make that determination does that mean that 4 hours into his visitation dad could call and say the child is too sick to be returned? Court orders usually work both ways and if it is one way for mom then it is the same for dad.

If it was me on the ex's case and another court hearing occured I would supoena the childs medical records to see if medical treatment was sought on the Monday following the canceled visitation and what the diagnosis was. If it was anything less than a very serious medical condition we would then file for contempt of the court order and ask that you be ordered to pay all costs surrounding the issue being brought to court. (*Of course that is always asked for and almost NEVER granted but still that is the game).

Him canceling his own visitation is an entirely different issue than you witholding it. Him canceling due to bad weather could be another way to spin that he does have his sons best interest at heart, again that is how we would present it in court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:31pm

Step let me give you a little information because you obviously dont KNOW THE WHOLE STORY, and havent read my previous posts. My son has a neurological disorder. He receives three different therapies. So no he isnt able to tell his dad whether or not he doesnt like something.

If I have to give him medication because of an allergic reaction he has had to something when his allergies flare up they do so without notice. So if it comes on him bad at 8am or 9am he needs the medicine. His dad needs to know when I gave it to him so he doesnt give it to him at 11am when he sees him have the reaction! The dose is 4-6hours. Are you saying rather than tell him take the risk of his dad seeing the reaction give him medicine 1 or 2 hours after I have. Then I will be asked why didnt I tell his father I gave him medicine.

The medication for his allergies is serious/life threatening if he gets overmedicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:39pm
I hear you on that but the order doesnt state me having to take the child to the hospital or even to visit his doctor. It says substantial medical reason. So it's vague. But I didnt write it. So I intend on having these issues clarified. Because of the bad weather Im glad he made the judgement call and cancelled the visit. I dont fault him for that. But he wanted proof the child was sick. So now Im gonna lie just to keep a visit from him. It is ridiculous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:39pm

You are right that certainly does change things. I recall asking in a previous post if the meds were for serious or ongoing medical issues and there was no answer.

Do you have an attorney now? Has the dad been taught or briefed on the medical issues? Maybe your attorney should file a motion ordering the father to an appointment with the treating physician to go over the medications and reactions and medical issues. Then there could be a court ordered form that would need to be filled out by each parent that would keep track of the meds and times given. Add this to the parenting plan and make it an issue that failure to comply with would be a contempt of court charge.

Luv there are ways to work within the system to work out issues like this. You just have to know what issues to take on and how to present them to the court. You always want to be presenting it as if it were in the best interest of the child and not just because you are mad at dad. The judge will listen to best interest cases and throw out the anger ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:48pm

I understand what your saying. My other issues were him were not anger issues with him but again my concern was for the best interest of the baby: the clothes being too tight, the diaper, and the medication.

I dont want to fight with him and the reason I was so upset is because his my ex knows the medical issues with the baby and is still doing these things. It isnt fair to the baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:31pm

step has a good point about bringing the doctor into this and having a "medicine chart" be a part of what's required to be "traded" (acknowledged, read, signed off on, whatever neccessary)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~