Special needs son, threat of divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Special needs son, threat of divorce
6
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:41pm

Hi all: I posted this earlier, but it did not go through. I'll try again, because I really need your advice & comments.

I have an autistic preschool son and he is terrific!

My husband of 5 years has threatened divorce several times now, because the house isn't clean enough and we haven't paid our credit card bills completely. He also says we are totally incompatible. He backed out of couples therapy just a couple months after we started, saying nothing is wrong with him, it's all me.

I DO keep up with payments over the min... I rarely use the card if ever... once every couple months for a small purchase in an emergency, as in food, my son's clothing etc. And that usage is paid off as well as over the min balance. The cards will be paid off within a year, but that's not fast enough for him.

I work 40 hours a week as a manager, he is a night desk security officer. I do my best to get dishes and laundry done, and pick up where I can. He only sometimes does chores. I'm afraid to ask him to help with anything since his anger is scary.

Also, he is very close to getting a job with the police, which I personally feel will be very stressful for him, and if we stay together, for us.

He constantly complains about how I am not enough this or that, and spends days pointing out my faults. He will do it in front of our son, friends and colleagues. I am so ashamed that he acts like this. He has been like this for a couple years now.

Divorce doesn't look so bad right now, but it's just not in me to initiate. Besides HE wants it, not me. Yet.

My son is actually the glue that keeps us together for the most part.. he is just an angel, and we both love him a lot. Most of the time, my husband takes my son to therapy during the day, which I have told him is wonderful and such a blessing. "Yeah, better than what you can do!" he says to me. My husband is so unhappy with me, no matter what I do.

But I have to keep working FT, because he desperately wants all my bills paid.

Anyone going through this or has? Would love to hear your thoughts. I am in tears over my son needing the both of us right now, and his father wanting to separate and not see his part in working on a relationship.

I have told my husband that if divorce will finally make him happy, he should do it. I feel so bad that he is so tortured, angry and upset all the time. As upset with him that I am, I feel pretty sorry for him. My supportive comments relating to his divorcing me are the only thing that stops him in his tracks. He finally buttons his lip.

ANY opinions advice etc welcomed!

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:12pm

hi and hugs. i am very sorry for what you are gong thru - wa your husband always this way, or is this his 'reaction' to the fact that you have an autistic child. I am sorry that he stopped going to therapy with you - obviously, things have not been resolved. have you continued therapy on your own?

this doesn't sound like a very healthy marriage - i understand that you don't want to nitiate the divorce, but *something* should be done here - either resolve things with your husband, or get divorced. this is not a healthy situaiton for anyone - especially not for your child who - as far as i understand - especially needs a calm and stable home environment.

<<>> no - i think your husband is so unhappy period. its not 'with you' and it doesn't matter what you do. its not your job to make him happy - and the more you try, the more he is going to demand. evne if you will spend the rest of your life trying to keep the house clean and making the payments - you will never succeed in making him happy. unfortunately - the focus of your life (your life, and your life together with your husband) is on HIM and his issues. and yes - i have BTDT - my second husband had loads of issues - he was depressed and angry, and like you - i belived that *I* could *fix* him. but the harder i tried - the more he demanded, the nicer i was - the meaner he became which made me try even harder and it was a never ending saga. thankfully I was finally able to walk out on him ---- unfortunately with no money, because he was controlling that as well, but with my 'life' and my son (my son is from a previous marriage). your husband is controlling you - and now you are letting him decide if you will get divorced or not.

since you say that he finally shut up when you called his bluff - then he obviously isn't going to make that move and get divorced, he is just using that to 'scare' you. I think it would be helpful to you if YOU would get some help for yourself, someone who could help you thru this.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:55pm

Oh sk, that was a great post. I really thank you for the time you took to write it. I felt much better.

Yes I am still in therapy, with the counselor who was our couples therapist. She was great in shifting gears for me and staying with me through this. Together, we have tried to invite my husband back into couples therapy, but he says he doesn't need it.

So the focus has been on my getting stronger, and keeping myself together, no matter what happens. So I can be a good mom to my son.

FYI what is BTDT?

How are you doing sk? how is life post-divorce? and how are the kids doing?

Thanks again!

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 7:39pm

I think sk had some good insights for you. I do not have much to add, except that I am in the process of having my son evaluated for autism. I think he may get a diagnosis of Asperger's.

I know that raising a child on the autistic spectrum can be quite a lot to handle. BTDT - been there, done that. And my heart goes out to you.

It has been hard to see how the divorce has affected my son - as you know, this type of kid doesn't deal well with change. But my ex appeared to have a porn addiction and I didn't want to try and stick things out after I tried to make things work for a year. I didn't feel comfortable at all raising my son under the same roof! Counseling helped a lot.

Now that I have been divorced 2 1/2 years, I can look back and see how much my ex's controlling and manipulative behavior negatively affected me. I don't know that I could have ever *made* him happy. But boy did he make life miserable in our marriage!

It is a tough road as a single parent - but I would much rather be on this road than be married to my ex.

It is good you are in counseling! Take it one step at a time and post here if you have questions - the people here are wonderfully supportive!

Best wishes,
Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:12am

BTDT= been there done that.

my life post divorce has been amazingly wonderful. i have no money - but i have my self respect. i think that for the first time in my life - i am ACTING and PLANNING and not just RE-acting to a situation. i got a promotion at work - at first i was just continuing in the foot steps of the person who had that job before but then i learnt to do things on my own. i went back to school. i made a lot of changes in my personal life. and it feels great!!

my DS is now 20 - he is my son from my first marriage. he is messed up - but hopefully he is finally on the road to mending. he was very depressed and suicidal while we were still living with ex. once i got him out of that situation, things progressed pretty well. hopefully he will get better and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 11:05am

I am the mother of an autistic child (6) also. I am in the process of going through a divorce. It is very tough. When my stbx and I found out about our son, our whole world changed. I went right into finding best schools, therapists, recreational programs. My stbx went into "nothing is wrong with him" and it went from there. He eventually started an affair and it has been going on 3 yrs. He even moved in with her, had my son over there and I never knew. My son is non verbal, so when my ex had him, I didn't know he had him with his mistress. My ex now lives in Boston, MA with her and keeps telling us that he wants me and my son there too. I will not move.

I have found that if I was to move, I would be isolated and no support. Can't do that to my son or myself. My son is doing great in school and has many activites outside of school. My stbx sees him every other Saturday for a few hours. I filed for divorce this month, with the help of my parents. The ex is controling money and is forcing us out of our home. He decided that he needed to pay rent more than pay for a house for his son. Nice guy!

If you need to contact me, let me know. I am in this struggle with you. I do know that 80% of couples with an autistic child end in divorce. Thank god my son is small and doesn't know what it is like to have a dad in the house full time. Or even what a dad is. The amount of time that his dad spends with him is minimial in the grand scheme of things. But that is his choice. Remember that you have a choice and so does he. Your husband is chosing to be this way and is using the disability as a crutch. He will not say it now, but it is true. You need to be strong and support you and your son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 1:38pm

Thanks young that is very kind of you to offer one-on-one contact, I appreciate it. What you must be going through! wow...

I don't feel strong enough to seperate from him, but it is something I am seriously thinking of. Have had a lot of tears over it.

I have a busy day today, but I will get back to your post and everyone else. THANKS FOR POSTING and it has really made a difference in my day, thank you! D