Spining with Fear and Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Spining with Fear and Confusion
9
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:25pm

I need help. Advice & support. My husband wants a divorce, but does not want to be the one to file or begin the process. He's miserable, is not afraid to tell me that he hates me, wishes I were dead and that the kids would be better off without me. I have never been unfaithful, I dont have an alcohol or drug problem, and I've never hurt our children. He's simply acting out of anger becuase he feels controlled or trapped. (we have been married just over 2 years and we had 2 babies 11 months apart) he has been forced to grow up and he's blaming it on me. He's always claimed to be a family man and has a huge family to support him but, I think he misses his waking up @ 11am and going to work, coming home spending hours on the internet, and being a leisure to go out whenever he wants. He's called me every name in the book and in front of our 5 year old. (she's mine from my first marriage) I'd trade in all my hurt to keep our family together becuase I know what divorce was like before and I'm terrified of it happening again. He, on the other hand just wants me to leave. He won't separate...or he won't leave the house I should say. And if I leave, and take the kids to my sisters or something...he says I've kidnapped them. I don't want to use them as weapons, I'm just trying to escape this hostile environment. He is emotionally, verbally abusive and my spirit is broken. We've gone to 2 sessions of marriage counseling, to which he's just numb and feeling not wrong in anything he does.

Should I start seeing a lawyer, what do I do about leaving the house? Is taking my kids to my sisters with me kidnapping? I'm so lost and afraid of making the wrong decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:38pm
It is not kidnapping if there is no custody order in place. You are free to go where ever you want to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:39pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't offer much advice, but I would see an attorney ASAP. He or she should be able to answer your questions as far as taking the children elsewhere.

you wrote: He is emotionally, verbally abusive and my spirit is broken. We've gone to 2 sessions of marriage counseling, to which he's just numb and feeling not wrong in anything he does.

I am in a similar situation. I recently filed for divorce. I feel like my spirit has been broken too.I also have a small child and I'm worried about raising her in a hostile environment. I just hope I have the strength and courage to get out. And I hope you do too. Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:59pm
thanks Kelly, I hope things work out for you too. This is the most empty feeling and devastating situation I've ever been in. It's so tough when you can see your marriage crumbling in front of you and you don't know how to stop it. I know you can't change people but, I sure wish there were a way to show them the light and let them know what is ahead so they'd stop their ways and fix their behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 5:43pm
I would talk to a woman's shelter in your area - in our area it is womenspace. They can help you find an attorney and file for temporary custody. Before you leave the house please make copies of all papers that may be important. Also remove exactly one half of the cash from any joint accounts and open your own account. His behavior sounds unstable/immature to me. Sorry that you are going through this with such young children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 5:56pm

Thanks everyone,

I hoped my story doesn't come off as one sided, I mean I'm no angel. But, like I said I'm faithful, no drug issues and my kids are my life, I'd never harm them. I have, however (a long time ago) pushed him when he's called me psycho or white trash in front of my daughter, I have threw his X Box outside when he played it for 7 hours straight then told me I was a bad mom because the baby was crying and I needed him to get her. I have done my share of embaressing and just hurtful things but, they were all long ago and he just has never felt wrong for a single thing he has done to me or our family. He constantly puts me last and treats me awful. I wasn't sure if I deserved all this at first, and I still have my doubts since I've been mean to him too but, I know my heart was in this marriage and I've tried many many times to reconcile. I believe he really doesn't want me anymore or this "family life" and so, he'll do anything to hurt me and push me away. I feel like a fool for standing by him, thinking it was a rough patch. He's been stringing me along for the past year and a half and I think I'm just ready to find myself again, get out of his controlling grip, be around people who love me and put my kids in a happier environment.

With all that said, I have so many doubts and fears...I know I should shove them down and push forward to a happier life. It's so hard to not turn back and say, one more chance...one more time, let's just keep the peace and try to co-exist for the kids. Has anyone else had these thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 11:00am

You wrote: I have so many doubts and fears...I know I should shove them down and push forward to a happier life.It's so hard to not turn back and say, one more chance...one more time, let's just keep the peace and try to co-exist for the kids. Has anyone else had these thoughts?

I've had those feelings too and hope that I have the strength and courage to get out. I know through the years I've kept the peace by not standing up for myself when I should have. My H is verbally and emotionally abusive. It's not all the time, and he can be really sweet. I think that's what part of the lure is. I keep getting sucked back in when H is fun and loving, which he can be.I get mad at his efforts to control me - he will threaten to destroy something if we're having a disagreement for instance. But I do ask myself if my situation is bad enough to leave? What if I change my arguing style so our fights don't get so ugly.

I grew up with a father similar to H in many ways and that is part of the lure of staying also. It's because I am familiar with this environment (my therapist says). It's what I've known for years. And I have had a lot of good memories with my H. Leaving him will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I just hope I can do it. I feel guilty about it and I feel sorry for him too.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 12:47pm
I just wanted to say that your situation is so much like mine. My husband decided that he didn't want to be responsible for his family either. He really hasn't been around much in the last few years anyway but I have stuck around for my family. We have good times together but lately it seems the bad are more frequent. The difference is my husband says that he still loves me but he is just confused. It is really hard to know that he is out doing what he wants, when he wants and I am stuck at home taking care of the important things in life, such as our child. So I wish you luck!!! Just wanted to let you know that we feel your pain.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 12:20am

I am so sorry you are in this awful situation.

You need to get out of there before something even more terrible happens like him physically attacking you or, God forbid, the children. He obviously does not love you and is full of anger and hate. That is not an environment to be raising children especially if he does that in front of the children. You do not want those kids growing up thinking that is acceptable behaviour.

Taking the kids to your sisters for all of your SAFETY is NOT kidnapping. They are your children and it is your responsibility to keep them safe. Do not let this man intimidate you. Go to your sisters or somewhere else safe and then call a lawyer. If he threatens you in any way file a police report so that you will have a paper trail when you go to court. Be safe and be smart!

Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 8:31am

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such a verbally abusive man. Definitely go see your lawyer ASAP so you can find out what your rights and responsibilities are. If you decide to file divorce papers, temporary orders can be put in place where he may be forced to leave the house and have to pay child support while the divorce is pending.


As far as kidnapping, if you crossed state lines and did not allow your H to see or contact the children, that might be a problem. But taking your children to your sister's house temporarily in order to escape verbal abuse is NOT kidnapping.