Split Our Children???
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 3:08pm |
I broke it to my stbxh that I wanted a divorce in November 2006. I moved out in December because he wouldn't. I left the kids with him temporarily because I needed to find schools, daycare, and spend a little time with myself. I was emotionally, mentally, phsycially, spiritually exhausted and was not the good parental choice at the time for my dd's ages 9, 5(niece), and 4. I was not healthy. I looked into schools but we decided to let our oldest finish out her school year at her current school. She's been there almost 2 years now and it's in the city she's known nearly her whole life. I had to move 30 mins. away to be closer to the job I found. I took the baby in February and have her pretty much full time. She sees her dad every chance he has to see her. The middle child is my niece - who we've raised for 3 years. My sister is finally in a position to try to be a mother again and due to the family dynamics of my household environment (the divorce/splitting up/exchanging of kids all the time) is taking custody of her child this weekend.
Well, my stbx is finally realizing I truly want a divorce and there is nothing left in our marriage for me. All he's ever done is worked a job - which I can be thankful for. I cannot really bad mouth him at all, other than the fact that I did everything else! I took care of his grandmother, my niece, our 2 daughters, a house, paid all the bills, and worked a full time job and went to school too. I just can't be a mother to him anymore and there is no more relationship. Our relationship was worse than roommates by the time I left. After 16 years together you'd think there was something, but after a recent kiss I allowed him (one last kiss) I know there is absolutely nothing there. That was very hard.
Well since he's had the oldest all this time, and has always been extremely co-dependent of me, he's decided he wants to keep her. I know he finally spoke with a lawyer Friday and I will be interviewing my own this week and next, but I am worried. First of all, I don't want to split my dd's. They are sisters! They have lived together for 4 years! Plus, I want my baby---my nearly 10 year old daughter---too! She's my heart. I don't want to take the kids from him either and I understand his point. It's so hard. It's almost worth moving back into a home with him and just living out their days. I think about that sometimes. Even though I've now found love with someone else, and know there's nothing left in my heart for him other than love of a friend, I still think about just throwing in the chips and being miserable again. Then I slap myself and tell myself to wake up! He would be ecstatic, the kids would be thrilled, but my heart would be forever broken along with my spirit.
What do you do? How do you not fight for you child? I don't want to fight! I said in the beginning I didn't want to fight over our children! I'm worried he might try to turn this ugly since I have found someone else to love and since we aren't legally divorced that makes me an adulterer (even though I have been forward with him from the beginning). He made a comment along the lines of basically, if I didn't give him custody of her then it was going to make our divorce ugly. We are basically in agreement about everything else. I don't care about anything. He has almost everything. I left with very little, and I really don't care about that! I just wanted to be FREE. I wanted to be free of the binding, smothering life I had in that home with him. I didn't want to be free of my children - EVER.
My mom always made me feel bad after leaving that I was leaving the children and how would that look, etc. However they were with their father, a safe, competent parent and I was not for a short while. But I chose what I thought in my heart was in the best interest of my child! The baby can adjust easily and go to a new school and all that without any problems (as she's already adjusted), but my oldest has committments, choir, friends, girlscouts, that I thought it would be best for her to stay there. The big CONCERN of mine is my husband's work schedule. He works retail hours. There are several nights a week when he doesn't get home till 9:30-10:00 p.m. at night! He said the attorney said she was old enough to take care of herself and that it's okay! Well it's not okay with me!
I guess I need advice and words of support today. I'm having a hard day. To top it off it was my birthday this past weekend and I was sick all weekend and I'm still not feeling well. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and advice and encouragement.

Just my oppinion...
No Judge in his right mind would split up children.
Good Luck.
I think that the kids need to be together.... when they are with you.... and together when they are with him, whatever arrangement you both work out around school, jobs, daycare, etc.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My concern is for the kids.
First, the kids belong together. No judge in their right mind will split the kids up. If everything is settled but the kids, try offering a 50/50 time split with no child support payments involved: this will clarify his intention -- to fight or not.
Second, for the kids that are in school -- try to keep them in the same school system. The kids will benefit by the least amount of change, and by keeping some form of constancy in thier lives, like school, their school friends, etc.
Third -- if you think your current relationship is sound, real or lasting, you are kidding yourself. Relationships started while married rarely work out positively. Once you are divorced, take time for yourself to get your head on straight, say two or three years. Then start looking for your next love.
If you must pursue this relationship, do not involve the kids (introduce him to the kids, start forming a "new" family) for at least two years.
Good Luck.