Spouse remarrying - Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Spouse remarrying - Advice?
5
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 2:31pm

My xh sent me an e-mail today to let me know he was engaged and will be marrying his girlfriend (who he met March of 2005) in the Fall. He is telling our son about this today.

How many others out there have gone through this particular transition? Is it appropriate to sit down with the xh and the gf and talk to them about their plans? I have no idea if they are going to get a different house (I would assume they would) or if they will ask to change visitation, etc. Obviously, whatever they decide to do in their lives will impact me and my son, but I guess I was thinking I have very little say in any of it as it is their life.

Any advice on how to make this transition as smooth as possible for my son? I worry most about his well-being. He is five and has had a difficult time the past year any time things changed and has told me he doesn't much like the idea of his Dad getting married. This looks like it will be a huge change for him - even though he has known the gf for about three months and seems to like her.

Thanks in advance,
Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:37pm

Hey.... I would think that although there may be some changes with visits, that most likely, they would stay about the same.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:25pm

Thanks so much for your encouraging words.

I have been trying to talk positively about the new gf to my son whenever he brings her up. I also try my best to say positive things about his Dad. I definitely want him to feel that he can talk to me about ANYTHING. I think it is going to be a tough transition for him as he has told me in the past year he wanted us all back together and he does not understand why I cannot go with him, his Dad and the gf to Colorado later this year for a family gathering.

His Dad was so uninvolved in his life the first four years that my son did not want to see him at all after we first moved out. Things have improved dramatically - I truly believe the xh spends much more one-on-one time with our son than he ever did when we lived under the same roof. Our son now looks forward to seeing his Dad - but he never asks for extra time with him - he doesn't like being away from me. So I guess I am hoping that if they ask for more time with him (my xh couldn't find it within himself to commit to very much time on a regular basis as that seemed to interfere too much with his dating and other activities) that we can make that transition gradually.

Wish all my worries were just about my son. The new gf actually seems very nice and is a dream-second-wife - so far. It looks like she will be easy to work with and has told me she has no intentions of attempting to take over my place in my son's life. I don't think he deserves her and I wonder how long things will last as I don't think he's changed much in some other areas.

The last several years of my marriage were very hellish. I felt very bad about getting divorced, like I had failed us all so badly, but I could not see how to fix things when he was so reluctant to really look at and work on our problems and I could see I needed to get out for my health and sanity. Definitely think I'm able to be a better Mom now.

I feel that he was a very selfish, self-centered person and he caused so much trouble and pain that I was (and still am) very angry and also very scared of him. I am seeing a therapist and am working on my issues as I do not want that past married life haunting me forever. I want to create a good life. But there is a part of me that still worries that he'll do bad things again in the future and I worry this new gal is going to get hurt. Am I totally loony? I am trying to figure out how to hide my anger and fear of him from her and act like this is just your 'average divorce'. We do have a lot of the usual things going on like everyone else - there is just a shadow from the past being cast on today.

She is aware that there is a lot of tension between him and I and has suggested that I can just deal with her if that would be easier than dealing with him. I am considering taking her up on that offer.

Thanks again! I would like to hear from anyone else in a similar situation.




Edited 1/17/2006 12:57 pm ET by abbynwb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:51pm

Well, if she gets hurt.... she'll have to figure that out on her own.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:56pm

Thanks! You are right. This lady seems to be very in love with the xh and likely would not appreciate anything damaging I may say and probably wouldn't believe it anyway. If anyone had come up to me in the first year of dating the xh and told me what he'd be like 5+ years down the road, I wouldn't have believed it either - he seemed like such a good guy.

The other thing I keep in mind is that their relationship is likely quite different - she seems to be a different personality type and maybe he did learn a thing or two from the divorce. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out well and that he doesn't slip back into his old habits. A happy xh means a better, happier Dad - and my son will definitely benefit from that. And if he has a really nice step-mom - that is a great bonus, too!

I am going to do my best to work with both of them. Thanks for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:05pm

You're very smart!


It's funny..... I hope that my EX learned from our experience and hope that this time it will be different for him.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~