spouse will not let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
spouse will not let go
8
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 2:46pm

hi. i filed for divorce 6 weeks ago. my husband is no closer to accepting that this is going to happen than he was that day. i filed for divorce after years of his cheating and manipulating. we went to marriage counseling last summer as a last ditch effort on my part. for months, i still was very unhappy but unwilling to take the step to divorce. finally i got in the mail a survey from a local hotel asking my husband how his stay was a few weeks prior. a few more surface scratches revealed that he had been cheating with even someone else in the past few months. no long term relationsips from what i can tell
i just cant take it anymore and in my heart I feel like I am over him. My taking the final step really shocked him. he cries and begs every day and though I feel cold and inhuman - I stand my ground. he refuses to tell his family or talk to anyone about the divorce, he has spoken to a lawyer but will not retain one. every day he comes up with a new angle or reason we should stay together and every day i tell him we are getting divorced. Its killing me. We have a 7 year old, I have not told her yet what is happening as he refuses to move out of the house and I am not sure what I am going to do. I wont tell her until I have a plan.

This whole thing is making me sick. I sought counseling almost a year ago after one of my husbands escapades when he didnt show up all night. I worked through my issues and I am ready to move on. I cant get him to make that step and I am feeling terrible about not giving into his begging for forgiveness and wanting us to be a family. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:16pm

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this. I assume you are in the same boat I am and plan to stay in your current home, so the burden of leaving is on him.

A few pushy strategies...

Write him a letter outlining your position. You are not going to forgive him. You could even imply that there would be room for reconciliation but you can't consider that until you have a little space.

Enlist the help of his family or yours for an intervention. You can do this directly, or if you need to save face, or help them do so, gather some copies of your evidence and mail it to them.

Move out!

I wish I could help more. My STBX is slowly facing reality. But he just can't seem to take action on creating the rest of his life.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 8:22pm

Oh boy. I hear you on this one! A LOT of what I deal with in therapy is my guilt for "breaking up the family" and "leaving the marriage."


BUT WAIT A SECOND! Don't both parties actually have to be IN the marriage in order for one to leave? Your STBX was VERY obviously NOT committed to the marriage, like mine (no infidelity in my marriage, though....at least not that I know of). You have endured years of cheating and manipulating, and even tried counseling. You obviously gave your marriage every possible chance.


My STBX is still very upset about our impending divorce, and frequently asks me if I will come back. I feel like I have to explain over and over again that I am done with the marriage. A person can only put up with so much absence and neglect for so long! My therapist said I spent the last several years mourning the death of the marriage while I was in it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 7:53am

Hi!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 2:18pm

Hi There-

My ex-husband cheated on me as well. Eight times-that I know of (not one-nighters, but long-term affairs) in 15 years of marriage. I finally had enough 3 years ago. I posted on the Betrayed Spouses Support Board for a long time. Thank God for the people there. I really think I might have lost it when I found out about 2 of his affairs (1 past, 1 present) in the same week, while he was on a supposed business trip in Europe (turns out he was on vacation with his new love-15 years younger than him). During that week I packed up all his belongings and put them in his car which was parked at his company. My ex-husband never begged to stay. He ran away as fast as he could to the “love of his life”. That relationship ended over a year ago. He cheated on her too.

We also tried marriage counseling. He never wanted to go, but I convinced him. It turns out he lied throughout the sessions. What a waste of time and money!

Now he claims he divorced me. Yes, he is the one who filed at the courthouse-because I did not want to pay for it. I am so glad I am detached from his twisted thinking, lies and verbal abuse. He is a master manipulator.

I re-married last summer. My new husband keeps telling me my ex will get his someday. I am just waiting.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 11:26am

there are things that you need to deal with; and then, there are the things that you DON'T need to deal with. take some advice from me: DON'T take responsibility for HIS problems, any more.


I went thru this with my ex - he didn't want to get divorced (i don't think he really CARED so much, i just think he didn't want to BE divorced again or something....) and he dragged this out. every time he would call or email me - i would be 'nice' to him, because i thought that that would help things along. it didn't. then i became assertive, and even *itchy. i refused to discuss anything with him.


i think that perhaps it would be helpful to you to go back to your therapist. i found that therapy was

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:25am

It is just very hard being in the same house with him. I feel for him, he has never had to deal with this type of rejection and he is not taking responsibility for his part in it at all. He doesnt realize how his cheating and controlling behaviour and manipulating and verbal and emotional abuse has hacked away at the foundation of our marriage to a point where I cant and do not want to go back to him no matter how much he says he wants to change or has changed.

He keeps threatening that he might do something to harm himself. He thinks it would make him a 'hero'. I know its crazy thinking and Im trying to not get sucked into all of this drama, but I dont want anything bad to happen to him, he is my daughters father. He is going to see the new priest at our church on Friday (mind you he has never believed in church and has been there maybe 6 or 7 times in the 14 years we've been married). I am hoping that will help him start to cope with this. I know divorce is devastating, I am just hoping he will start to work through this with me for both of our sakes but especially my daughters sake.

thanks for everyones feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:19pm

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ummmm

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 2:36am

Ijac,

Sounds like your husband doesn't regret the divorce - he regrets getting caught. Time to pay the piper. He'll keep cheating - if not with you then with someone else. Keep looking forward.

Wisdomtooth