Spreading the word about your D

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Spreading the word about your D
10
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:17pm

In a few wks I will be informing my husband of 12 yrs that I want a divorce. This won't come as a shock to him given that he recently had to admit that he has been cheating on me since we got married, given some instant messages that I found where he boasted to a friend about his numerous relationships!!!

After "busting" him, year after year, I'm done with it. His apologies and temporary remorse no longer compensate for the lack of change in his behavior.

All other aspects of our relationship are OK. He is not physically abusive, no drug or alcohol abuse, he contributes financially to the house, he is a good dad, etc. So I anticipate that it will be an amicable divorce unless he does a 360.

I'm wondering how you spread the word to friends, co-workers, other family members, etc. My immediate family and best friend already know as they have been supporting me over the last few weeks since the discovery of his latest affair. However, others will be surprised. We will be living in the house together until it is sold (we have two young children and don't want them to minimize the impact on them).

How did you spread the word?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 1:00pm
I don't think you have to worry ---- word usually has a way of 'getting around' on its own...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 2:23pm

I agree that word will get around on its own... but in my situation (and i live in a very small town) i elected to inform the co-workers i felt the closest to so that they didn't have to hear it from anyone else... I preferred being the one to tell people rather then have rumors start...not that it stopped them completely... but i felt better...

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 6:10pm
I felt ashamed that I couldn't make my marriage work, even though my now ex-H cheated. I tried to keep it as hush-hush as I could. I still feel even 2 years later, that I failed in some way.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 6:13pm
I live in a small town. I think most of the people here knew before I did.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 11:39am
I was so upset in the beginning I had to have my sister tell our mom. Eventually, I called my dad, but it took a few weeks. I told my boss right away, but asked her to keep it under wraps. Word still spread, but I controlled most of the news. I let the word spread through my family as most news would, but I told my grandparetns so they would hear it from me. It kind of depends on what you want people to know and whether or not you care if people know. I really didn't want anyone to know it at first, but now I could care less. My ex didn't even tell his own mother after a year of being separated. His brother finally told her. I guess we all handle things differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:15pm
Hello.....When telling people I used my own discretion. It depended on how close they were to me if I told them the details or just mentioned that things had ended and that we were no longer together. The truth has always worked for me. In the begining we were living in the house to sell it as well and he told me time and time again that he would not fight the divorce and that we would get through this together. Somebody told me that divorce can change a person, I really didnt believe it would happen since we had talked about it and agreed on it before hand. Boy was that person right. He moved out, left me with all the bills, doesnt help financially, and he is fighting me on mostly everthing I asked for in my divorce papers. Divorce can sure make a person act like a whole different person. Good luck!
Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 2:34pm
I clued my parents in during the weeks that STBX and I were struggling with the decision. Once were were both ready to sit down and talk to our DD about the changes that were about to come I then told the few family, friends, and co-workers that I definately wanted to hear the news from me. I didn't and still don't worry about anyone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 3:30pm

We also are living in the house until it sells. We live in a fairly small town, and didn't want a lot of people to know we are divorcing, so people don't think we "have" to sell and it drives down the price. I have told only a few people, like my family and his family. I recently told my boss, who could not have been more supportive.

A couple of friends know, but most people don't. It's EXTREMELY awkward for us as a couple/soon to be non-couple and we are still doing a LOT of things together as a family and keeping up appearances, mostly for the sake of our 3yo daughter. It's very stressful, but in the long run, I think it's best for our daughter for us to get the finances in order and then move on. When I move out, I will probably tell more friends, and it will get around, but for now, it is awkward for people to hear we are separating, and then see us together with our daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 4:20pm

I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. But tell the people who have a reason to need to know only what they need to know. It's not anybody else's business. Trust your gut. And yes, word will definitely get around, lots of busybodies in this world. I was quite amused at some of the false things I heard about me and my ex's situation months after the fact when the gossips misconstrued everything.

Like one of the previous posters, I also felt a great deal of shame and personal failure. However, with therapy and personal growth, I'm over that. Marriages fail all the time, and I was not the only one failing the marriage.

I think the less you say about it the better, it's nobody's business if he cheated once or a hundred times. Now, years later, people complement me on not saying crap about my ex like he says about me. That lets me hold my head up high.

Wishing you a completely amicable divorce. It can happen like that, it doesn't have to be a horrible fight. I hope his cooperative attitude continues. I hope you both can put your kids first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 4:49pm

The folk I work with are clueless.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***