Starting over

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Starting over
14
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:56am
I am starting over after putiing up with alot from an eighteen year marraige. We have three wonderfull children together and my husband is in agree ment on every thing . He has a strong history of not telling the truth and emotional and pysical abuse. He is now in counsling that was ordered by the court for domestic violence. I want to file a disalussionment . I feel confident at this point that he is not going to put up a fight . I am confused about everything. I know that I want a divorce . But it is scary that he is in agreement about everything. I am agry and I do not even want him around but I just spoke with him yesterday and I hated every minute of it. Should I just pretend to not be angry because of the kids. Or do I have the right to not want him around me. I have no means of support and he is willing to pay all the bills and take care of whatever I need to take care of myself and the kids. Basicaly I am very confused. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: toopsa
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:45am

Not sure about everything you said, but I think I can respond in part ...

Yes, you have a right to be angry and have minimal contact. Just don't diss Dad in front of the kids. If he is abusive, you do, of course, have to protect them appropriately.

Here's the deal--set up a divorce settlement that outlines the support he is willing to give you (child support and spousal)--I presume he is willing to go beyond the state schedules for support based on your post.

Then the settlement also includes 1) how you communicate (email, phone, in writing, etc), 2) what you communicate about (the kids/support only) 3) condidtions for his visitation with the kids (presume the court may dictate that and it may involve supervision) 4) Disposition of joint marital assets, such as the house.

There is alot more to it, but I presume you have a lawyer who can help you.

Bottom line is you don't have to deal with him beyond minimum contact necessary to exchange the children and provide for their care.

There is a website called "Family Wizard" that might be helpful -- you can post calendar, exchange emails and post expenses to be share between X spouses.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:01pm
It was early in the morning when I posted my first email. I was confused about my emotions. I have been married for eighteen years and have three kids. I have put up with alot of bull!@# over those years. But he is now willing to take care of us and all our needs and the bills until the disillusion is over. I am upset with the situation. I am a little afraid that he is so willing to agree with everything. I have know idea how much support to ask for. I have no family near by. I called a legal advicate. She has not gotten back to me yet it has been two days. I feel sick to my stomach it has been four days since he moved out and I am still sick. I need alot of support right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 6:46pm

It's great that you have placed a message on this board. There are a lot of people in your situation. Just keep posting as much and as often as you need to.

After putting up with so much for so long, it's only natural to be confused. The anger is normal, too. It sounds like you're wondering what's behind his willingness to agree to everything, what his motives are. You have to do what is best for you and your kids and just take each day, or minute, as it comes.

Even though you are fed up, it's still a very difficult situation. You don't want to be around him or even talk to him, but it's still so hard to be finished with something that has been such a huge part of your life. I totally understand.

Just know that you will eventually get through it. Keep posting here and try to find some other women nearby in similar situations so you can lean on each other.

And, if that legal advocate doesn't call you back, keep calling her, and call other advocates, too, until someone gets back to you.

And, make sure to take very good care of yourself - eat well, meditate, exercise, get enough sleep - all of these things will help with the stress.

Hugs and peace to you and your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 3:32am
Thank You so much for your wonderful post. I am taking the kids on a mini vacation today and I will relax and enjoy them and then I will deal with this whole mess when we get home Thank you for all of the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:09pm
You're welcome! Have a great time on your vacation! Sounds like a step away is exactly what you need. You'll be better equipped to deal with all of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:03pm
My husband keeps asking me if I am sure about wanting a divorce . I told him yes. I have never been so sure about something in all my life. Is this just true because everything just recently happened. I hope I stay this positive thinking. I am worried about my children. I am worried because they have behavior and anger issues. I am going to take them to see a counsler. I have heard some awfull things about children of divorce. How can I have them have the best life possible. There Dad has been gone a week now and they have talked to him and they are going with him somewwere today. He wants joint custody. And I agree. Am I wrong for thinking that our children are better of now that we are not together Because all we did is agrue and he has alot of issues that hurt our children. Well I have to go for now. I have to clean house oh.joy,joy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:58pm

You are definitely doing the right thing for you and your children. Staying in an abusive relationship is far worse than divorcing and having your kids see a counselor to help them with their own feelings.

I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship, but you are so much better off on your own than to have to deal with that terrible situation for the rest of your life.

I read great article where this woman wrote about her "10-10-10" rule (I can't remember which magazine it was, though). It was something like, when you're making a huge decision, you think about how it will affect you in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years. So, while the 10 minutes is hard, the 10 months may be more difficult or not, but how will it be in 10 years for you? More likely than not, you will be so much happier! She applied this rule to almost every decision in her life and it always worked well for her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:42am
Thank you again. I am just up early thinking about how desperate My husband is actiong. He is trying anything to get me to take him back. But I am staying strong. This is Much easier then I thought. I can not pretend any more. Do you know what I mean? I prayed for a miracle when we were together it never happened. Now I am on my own. I see a lawyer friday I am glad and then in about 4months this will be over. I know I have to allways deal with him but hopefully it will be easier dealing with him part time then It was dealing with him all the time. I feel so much better physically and mentally. He never respected me enough. He was nice at times but it never was enough to make up for the damage that he would cause. I am not saying that I was perfect by any means but I know I tried harder then he ever did. My kids are much happier that tells you something doesen't it? Well I am going to close for now reply soon and thanks again.My kids do not want us to be together that should tell you alot right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:30pm

I think that as women we are generally not taught how to be strong people. Men are taught that, but I think we are taught to think of ourselves as less than men and that we cannot survive on our own. Good job on staying strong - always be proud of yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back - even if no one else does. You have done the right thing by taking control of your own life.

When we were separated, my H was always asking me the same thing - are you sure???? And, right before I moved out, he told me "this is it. You are about to go beyond the point of no return." After I found out he had been seeing the woman from his work, I realized that that meant he was going to sleep with her.

Even though we've reconciled, I'm having trouble seeing our future together. I have these daydreams of us being friends and coparenting. I, too, felt so much better when I was on my own (even for that short period of time). You just feel relieved that the daily tension and stress aren't there, even though you still have to deal with them. You get to control all of that now, for the most part. It's so nice to know that it won't last long when it does happen and that you get to go home to your own home at night. And, for once, you actually get a break to have some time by yourself when the kids are with him. It feels so strange at first, but to be able to do something as simple as read a book or take bath without being interrupted is such a wonderful treat!

It really does tell you something that your kids are saying you shouldn't stay together. It really does sound like you have made the best decision for all of you - your STBX just doesn't know that yet. He may never consciously feel it, but if there's no respect then the relationship, IMHO, is dead.

Good luck with the lawyer. And remember, they work for you.

Peace and hugs to you and your kids.

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:08am
I know I have made the right decision. But I am feeling sorry for him. Even if he did some awful things to us. I let him vent over the phone at me yesterday. he basicaly said that he wants this to be as easy on me as it can be. He does not want me to get sick from all the stress. I have health problems that do get worse with stress. But I know life will be better for us now. I wish I did not care at all about him. But I have to give him some credit he did financially support us for eighteen years. Did you say that you are back with your husband? It was so hard for me to live with someone that I could not trust. I remeber that living with him was like living in hell. We walked on eggshells all the time, he was allways negative and angry at us for some reason or another. I was allways wondering what he was doing and I could never relaxe. All I am worried about right now is how much support that I am eligible for. I want to make sure that I can take care of the children and myself. Well I am staying strong and I do appreciate your support. Have a great day!

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