Starting over
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Starting over
| Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:56am |
I am starting over after putiing up with alot from an eighteen year marraige. We have three wonderfull children together and my husband is in agree ment on every thing . He has a strong history of not telling the truth and emotional and pysical abuse. He is now in counsling that was ordered by the court for domestic violence. I want to file a disalussionment . I feel confident at this point that he is not going to put up a fight . I am confused about everything. I know that I want a divorce . But it is scary that he is in agreement about everything. I am agry and I do not even want him around but I just spoke with him yesterday and I hated every minute of it. Should I just pretend to not be angry because of the kids. Or do I have the right to not want him around me. I have no means of support and he is willing to pay all the bills and take care of whatever I need to take care of myself and the kids. Basicaly I am very confused. Please help.

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Not sure about everything you said, but I think I can respond in part ...
Yes, you have a right to be angry and have minimal contact. Just don't diss Dad in front of the kids. If he is abusive, you do, of course, have to protect them appropriately.
Here's the deal--set up a divorce settlement that outlines the support he is willing to give you (child support and spousal)--I presume he is willing to go beyond the state schedules for support based on your post.
Then the settlement also includes 1) how you communicate (email, phone, in writing, etc), 2) what you communicate about (the kids/support only) 3) condidtions for his visitation with the kids (presume the court may dictate that and it may involve supervision) 4) Disposition of joint marital assets, such as the house.
There is alot more to it, but I presume you have a lawyer who can help you.
Bottom line is you don't have to deal with him beyond minimum contact necessary to exchange the children and provide for their care.
There is a website called "Family Wizard" that might be helpful -- you can post calendar, exchange emails and post expenses to be share between X spouses.
Hugs,
M
It's great that you have placed a message on this board. There are a lot of people in your situation. Just keep posting as much and as often as you need to.
After putting up with so much for so long, it's only natural to be confused. The anger is normal, too. It sounds like you're wondering what's behind his willingness to agree to everything, what his motives are. You have to do what is best for you and your kids and just take each day, or minute, as it comes.
Even though you are fed up, it's still a very difficult situation. You don't want to be around him or even talk to him, but it's still so hard to be finished with something that has been such a huge part of your life. I totally understand.
Just know that you will eventually get through it. Keep posting here and try to find some other women nearby in similar situations so you can lean on each other.
And, if that legal advocate doesn't call you back, keep calling her, and call other advocates, too, until someone gets back to you.
And, make sure to take very good care of yourself - eat well, meditate, exercise, get enough sleep - all of these things will help with the stress.
Hugs and peace to you and your children.
You are definitely doing the right thing for you and your children. Staying in an abusive relationship is far worse than divorcing and having your kids see a counselor to help them with their own feelings.
I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship, but you are so much better off on your own than to have to deal with that terrible situation for the rest of your life.
I read great article where this woman wrote about her "10-10-10" rule (I can't remember which magazine it was, though). It was something like, when you're making a huge decision, you think about how it will affect you in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years. So, while the 10 minutes is hard, the 10 months may be more difficult or not, but how will it be in 10 years for you? More likely than not, you will be so much happier! She applied this rule to almost every decision in her life and it always worked well for her.
I think that as women we are generally not taught how to be strong people. Men are taught that, but I think we are taught to think of ourselves as less than men and that we cannot survive on our own. Good job on staying strong - always be proud of yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back - even if no one else does. You have done the right thing by taking control of your own life.
When we were separated, my H was always asking me the same thing - are you sure???? And, right before I moved out, he told me "this is it. You are about to go beyond the point of no return." After I found out he had been seeing the woman from his work, I realized that that meant he was going to sleep with her.
Even though we've reconciled, I'm having trouble seeing our future together. I have these daydreams of us being friends and coparenting. I, too, felt so much better when I was on my own (even for that short period of time). You just feel relieved that the daily tension and stress aren't there, even though you still have to deal with them. You get to control all of that now, for the most part. It's so nice to know that it won't last long when it does happen and that you get to go home to your own home at night. And, for once, you actually get a break to have some time by yourself when the kids are with him. It feels so strange at first, but to be able to do something as simple as read a book or take bath without being interrupted is such a wonderful treat!
It really does tell you something that your kids are saying you shouldn't stay together. It really does sound like you have made the best decision for all of you - your STBX just doesn't know that yet. He may never consciously feel it, but if there's no respect then the relationship, IMHO, is dead.
Good luck with the lawyer. And remember, they work for you.
Peace and hugs to you and your kids.
E
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