Starting over

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Starting over
14
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:56am
I am starting over after putiing up with alot from an eighteen year marraige. We have three wonderfull children together and my husband is in agree ment on every thing . He has a strong history of not telling the truth and emotional and pysical abuse. He is now in counsling that was ordered by the court for domestic violence. I want to file a disalussionment . I feel confident at this point that he is not going to put up a fight . I am confused about everything. I know that I want a divorce . But it is scary that he is in agreement about everything. I am agry and I do not even want him around but I just spoke with him yesterday and I hated every minute of it. Should I just pretend to not be angry because of the kids. Or do I have the right to not want him around me. I have no means of support and he is willing to pay all the bills and take care of whatever I need to take care of myself and the kids. Basicaly I am very confused. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:03am

Yes, we reconciled, but I don't trust him. When I really start to think about how our relationship has been, I think about all the things he has done to what I would call betray me. He has a porn addiction, which appears to be under control right now. But that has involved calls to sex lines, lots of magazines, movies, and, once we were online, so much online porn it was sickening. To me, that's all cheating. Then, of course, we were separated and he immediately went out and started what he will only call "talking" to a woman at work who was, of course, extremely supportive of him and all the he was going through. Boo Hoo for him!

So, now I find myself in the position of checking his phone, checking the temp internet files/cookies on the computer, at one point I even put spyware on the computer, but got so worried that he would find it, that I took it off. Getting into this cycle actually makes me feel so much worse, but I just feel compelled to check everything all the time. Not a good way to live at all!

His idea is that we just don't talk about the past at all, we just go on and start "fresh." And he gets very angry when I want to talk about anything that has happened (I think that's guilt on his part). He thinks I'm just rehashing everything, but if we're not ever allowed to talk about it, then it's never resolved and the feelings just stay stuffed deep down inside, only to come up during a fight during which nothing ever gets resolved.

For years, I've lived with walking on eggshells, too. I basically grew up like that and so it wasn't much of a stretch to get into a relationship that was the same. I think I've written before that when I think back to a few months ago when I finally filed for a divorce and moved out, it felt so much better to be on my own. But soon after I moved out, I found out that he had been seeing someone all along and I was just sick to my stomach. What I've realized since then is that I moved back because I saw that he had been bringing someone else into our daughter's life before we were finally "through" (while he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to stay married) and I hated the way it felt to know that someone else was giving my daughter gifts (I think she was basically trying to buy her way into the relationship with him), and that they were going places as a "family." I think back and wonder why that made me move back in as opposed to staying put in my new place and moving on for myself. It's crazy!

Right now I'm at the point where I feel that I do love him because he's the father of my child, but I just don't think that's enough to sustain a marriage. There are so many past hurts that have built up and I just feel like too much respect has been lost to get it back. I still have those feelings of not being able to relax because, oh, the dishes aren't done, or, oops, I didn't pick something up, etc. I hate living that way.

I'm at a point of ambivilance and confusion. I'm always dreaming about living on my own - have been for years - so that should be a sign, right? It's all very difficult. Sometimes you just want someone to say "this is what you should do," but that isn't possible. So, I'm just living day by day trying to figure it all out.

Thanks for "listneing." It really helps me so much to be able to get this all out. I can't afford a therapist right now, and this board is a great alternative.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 5:58am
I am so sorry to hear your story. I really must say that you should move on. Your daughter will still have a father. It would be so healthy for you to move on. Without trust there is nothing no security. No one deserves to be in a relationship were there is so much dis respect. Your husband wants his cake and wants to eat it too. That is so not fair. Plus you are spending so much time and energy on him that could be well spent on yourself and your daughter. I am back with my husband too and we have trust issues. He said he would do anything to keep his family. So I had dinner with him and told him what I wanted. He agreed. I told him he had to go to counsling with me and that he had to take his medication and that he had to go to church. My husband has mental health issues and has been to stuburn to take his medicine. So I am making sure he takes it. We go to counsling today and we are reading a book called boundries of marraige. I never told you why I wanted a divorce. My son answerd the phone one evening and it was some lady asking if he new were she could get a hold of my husband. My son told her no becuse he knew his dad woould get mad if he gave out any information. So she hung up and I recived a letter that was addressed to resident and then it had our last name. She gave her full name and address and phone number. I called to see who it was and she said she had had a one night stand with my husband. HE denies it and he says that it is a set up becuse he was mean to someone at his job. Or it was his evil twin. there were alot of inconsistancy in her story and she really did not tell me what I wanted to know. She discribed him but he also Has a twin brother that is identical. I do not have a crystal ball and do not know if he did it or not. I am giving our marraige and him another chance. I do not know how this is going to end up. I want you to know that you deserve to be happy and that you will be ok if you leave him. Well thanks for being there and I am hear for you. I think your situation is so unfair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:06pm

Toopsa~

Thank you so much for your kind response and all the wonderful support. Sometimes I feel so alone and my tendency is to withdraw into myself when things get tough and I try to "take care of it all/do it all" myself, and sometimes you just need some help/support. The ivillage boards are such a fantastic resource, especially when I can't afford therapy.

You, too, deserve happiness and I truly hope you are able to find it. It is definitely a terrible feeling to have someone call your house and know that your H has been involved with someone else all the while saying they want your marriage to work.

My husband said he was willing to do anything - ANYTHING - to make our marriage work. It has been 5 months now since we reconciled and I can see us slipping back into the old, familiar patterns. After his heart attack, things were so good. We were both really taking care of ourselves, he was drinking very little alcohol, we were intimate again after over 3 years. One thing that we eventually had a blow up about more than once was his looking at porn. This has been a HUGE, HUGE problem in the past. It has had very negative effects on our relationship in the past and I now have ZERO tolerance for it with him in any way, shape, or form. Well, last night he was watching "The Girls Next Door" and I know that it is a relatively tame show, but it was all about strippers in Las Vegas and I just blew up. His take on it is that it's all my problem, that I'm insecure and that has nothing to do with him. I told him that it wasn't insecurity but fear that we were slipping back to old habits. I believe he has a porn addiction, which at times is kept under control, but eventually seems to slip right back in. I told him that I feel completely disrespected and hurt that he would even think it was okay to look at anything even remotely porn-like. I told him that I cannot have it in my life anymore, that I won't go back to the way it was. He yelled that I was holding the big "divorce" over his head. And I said that I didn't say anything about divorce, but that I was unwilling to live with his disrespect for my feelings anymore. I asked him if I was going to have to live with his looking at porn for the rest of our lives and he wouldn't say yes or no. I finally just went to bed. In the last couple of months, he's also started drinking a lot more. More and more as the weeks go by. I'm thinking that he's unhappy but doesn't want to rock the boat. Maybe he really wants out, too, but is too stuck in his convictions that divorce is not an option to do anything about it.

I realized this morning that, yes, I guess there is some insecurity in me with him looking at anything remotely close to porn because he has lied to me very recently about his involvement with the OW, so why wouldn't I feel insecure??!! So, it's only my insecurity that is killing us I guess, not his disrespectful actions. Hmmm...

We've also talked several times about doing something to make sure we learn how to communicate better and that we don't slip back into old patterns, whether it be counseling or something else. Over 6 weeks ago he said he would think about it and we would talk again. Well, he never said anything and 6 weeks went by. When I asked him about it, he said that he had completely forgotten all about it. I told him how much it hurt me that he hadn't given it one second of contemplation. He blew up at that. In fact, he blows up every time I bring anything with our relationship up. So, since right now money is very tight and counseling is expensive, he said he had a relationship book that we could read/work on together. So I said okay, we'll give that a try. At least that's something. Well, it's now been almost a week and he's made no effort to even find this book. I'm beginning to think that the only reason he wanted to stay together is so he won't lose the house (we would have to sell as neither of us can afford it on our own) as that is the most important thing in the world to him.

He says, "well, it's been really good between us and I figured things would continue to go well." And I said, "Well, we have huge issues that are unresolved, such as your lying to me every time I asked you a question about his relationship with this other woman (from his work)."

Last night I also said that he thinks that once something happens, you just never talk about it again because it's "in the past," therefore, not relevant. The problem for me is that all the hurt is still there and I'm not allowed to talk about it with him. He just gets really angry and doesn't try to understand it at all. He says all of the problems are mine, that he has no problems with anything that's happened. I'm the one who has issues. I told him that if I have an issue with something that he's doing, then it's "our" problem it's a problem for the marriage. Nope! It's only my problem - WTF??!!

Thanks again, Toopsa, for taking the time to read my post and respond so supportively. It's so nice to have someone else to talk to who's going through the same thing because I get leary of always dumping on my friend and family.

I wish you peace of mind in all of this.

Peace and hugs to you and your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
In reply to: toopsa
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 10:41am
I first want to say that I am so sorry that you are in the situation you are in I think the only solution to your problem is divorce. I can tell you are a very smart person. And I also think that you can take care of yourself and your child, and from the way it sounds he would have to give you the house and pay spouse support and child support. I can also relate to not wanting to unload on your family . If anything major ever happens to me again I am not going to talk to any family members untill I have the divorce papers in my hand. MY husband is back but he is taking his medicine , reading The Boundries of marraige going to counsling alone and Going to marraige counsling he is also going to all my appointments with me. I also told him he has to go to church. I think you do need to talk to a good christion counsler. I have been going to counsling since I was eighteen. I did not get any were untill I went to a christion counsler. I was so close to getting a divorce I can not beleive it. YOu have to do what is best for you and the realationship will talk care of itself. There are counsling centers that have payment programs or that are free according to your income. Wow it is terriable that you actually think the only reason he is staying married is because of the house. Why stay with him then? Well I am going to go. Make every choice you make a positve one that is going to help you and your daughter. Have a great day!

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