Starting over after 50 dumped after 20 y

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2006
Starting over after 50 dumped after 20 y
5
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:22pm
I don't know if there is anyone else on this board dealing with divorce at an older age after a long marriage. I am losing everything. Husband, 18 year old son who lives with Dad and refuses to speak to me, I am losing the house and I am trying to find a permanent job. My income went from over 100K to 25K.(My financial settlement is terrible and my part of his eventual pension is worth very little as he only worked there 10 years. I am just having a difficult time starting a new life at this age (54yr). I have taken baby steps started attending a church ( I am not very religious but I like the music) and working some temp jobs but I feel like I am lost at sea. It is very difficult trying to find a job at this age. Have counselor and antidepressants but my life is what it is. My husband walked out on me unexpectedly after 20 years of marriage--no notice, no talk on the couch, just a note. He had an affair with younger woman at work and was tired of me.
The hardest thing is not seeing my son. His birthday is next week. He would not even contact me on Mother's Day or Christmas which really hurt. His father tells him not to see me. I have no relatives within 3000 miles and no friends. I do have a little dog that keeps me company but I am afraid I will not be able to keep him if I move to an apartment. I just wondered if there are other women who were dumped unexpectedly after long marriages and how they coped.
I do think I made a big mistake giving up my career to stay home so he could advance his.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 10:36am

keep your chin up! this happened to me too. i guess it's still happenening...my stbx left in sept, while my daughter and i were on a weekend trip he sent us on. when we got home, most of his things were gone, along with all or tax records and documents. we've been married for 22 years, the note he left said his life was "complacent" and his job was "killing" him. i kind of flipped out, and spent 24 hours in the icu of my local mental health care facility. the day i got home from the hospital, divorce papers were served on me. we didn't even know where he was til this week. our children are all grown, our youngest went into the navy in aug. we do have a daughter stil lving at home, 21 yrs old, but not ready for the world yet, and she was totally daddy's girl. so he dumped me, and her too basically.
i had no $$ to hire an attorney, and i was sinking into a black hole. as soon as my friends and family found out what was going on, they all passed the hat (around the country) and now i have an excellent attorney. hubby left me with 400 dollars, he was very upset when he found out i had an attorney and i was actually defending myself.
the judge awarded me temp support, and ordered him to pay my attorney fees, so now i can use that to pay back the wonderful people who loaned me attorney $$.
my daughter and i have to give up the house we live in by the end of dec, we cannot afford the lease payments. but first i have to wait til stbx sends a list of "things he'd like to have from the house"
i was married 22 years, i followed hubby and his career all over the country, had our kids in 3 different states. i never had a job that paid over 8 dollars an hour, and stbx makes almost 100 grand a year. he stated in his court documents that he stated the "need" for me to find a job, and that i said i would, but then i never did. also that i had the ability to work, but not the desire, that i would rather "sit around the house" accomplishing nothing (yes he actually said that in a legal document)when our son left for the neavy, stbx asked if i would like to go "find some little job " to keep me busy so i wouldn't be missing the ds. i told him at that time, i would rather not go back to a deli or gas station and work for peanuts at this time in my life, and compete for hours with people my children's age.
i just want to mention, that in the 22 years i have been "sitting around accomplishing nothing" i have: nursed him thru a year of cancer treatment, and the several years of health and career recovery..raised 3 kids...worked countless low paying, back breaking jobs while he was climbing up the career ladder, taken care of my disabled diabetic mother, dealt with an alcholic brother's antics and intervention...not to mention the the stbx's depression, sexual disfunction...etc etc etc..i could go on and on, as i am sure most of the women on this board could.
i was so depressed and felt like such a big fat old ugly unwanted failure!! since then (september) i have lost 35 lbs, walk 4 miles a day, and i have 2 jobs. i work in a deli and i have a great time there actually, only a few hours a day. i still take care of my disabled mother, but now i get PAID to do all the things for her i have always done. also, the judge makes stbx pay several thousand a month for my support. i still have really bad days, and i hurt for the kids too, they're grown yes, but he is still their dad. we are communicating now, i send him email about the property division, and he replies civily. he has finally written to 2 out of 3 kids. he has finally called his own parents in florida so they aren't calliong us anymore asking if we have heard from me ( i really resented having to comfort and reassure HIS elderly parents) so things are getting better, slowly but surely.
even tho he has only been gone a couple of months, he was so distant and surly for the last few months he was here, i feel like i have been separated much much longer.it is a relief to me now to have a peaceful home., and not be fretting that he will be upset over something. i have realised thru the support of my friends and family, and a good doctor, that i am NOT a miserable failure! and i might even go out on a DATE!!

i also want to mention, that even tho i am posting here for the first time, it has been a ritual of mine to read the posts on this board every morning for the last 2 months....the wonderful people here have helped me get thru the dark times, and they don't even know it. but when i read your post, i had to reply, you are the first one so far who has an experience even close to my own. i would suggest, that if you have no friends or family nearby, then MOVE to where they are. there is nothing holding you there except bad memories...take your little doggy and go to where YOUR people are. your son will come around eventually. these things take time. i wish you all the best, and like i said in the beginning, keep your chin up...

Anniee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:26pm
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the advice about moving 3000 miles to be near my siblings and their families. But that is a very difficult decision because I am afraid if I did that I would never see my son again or very very infrequently because of the distance and cost involved to travel across the country. It is just heart breaking.
I am not working right now. I get temp spousal and I am afraid if I took some little temp job I would get much lower permament spousal. I cannot afford to buy real estate in my area with 1/2 the proceeds from this house and the rents here are very high. I can only communicate with soon to be ex through my attorney so attorneys fees have reached over 25K apiece (insane)because every mundane communication costs $100 each phone call. It is killing my savings. He hired an adversarial divorce attorney and I had to hire similar so I would not get pounded.
I do think it helps to keep busy. If you work or volunteer you meet new people and keep your mind off how bad things are. I keep saying to myself and perhaps you do to that I have the ability to make things better for myself. Perhaps a little aparmment with no yard work near some cafes and bookstores would be fun.
I don't know about moving back near relatives. I love them but they all tend to pity me have their own couple friends and I do not want to be the old lonely crazy Aunt. I would rather have my own life and friends and be able to afford plane tickets to see them. It is also very cold in the winter where they live and I have palm trees on my street so the weather change would be very hard too. It is a very difficult decision. I adore my son and miss him terribly. I am realistic enough to know that older teens just what to see their friends but not seeing him at all is breaking my heart.
Working at a deli sounds fun because you probably meet all kinds of people and they remember you. I thought about taking a little job giving out samples at grocery stores just to get out of the house and it would not be stressful. And I think I will do some volunteer work as well to get some work experience.
. I lost 35lbs after my husband left as well - but I needed to lose it.
I buy a donut every Sunday as a treat, hence my ID.
--I did see on Amazon there is a book called Dating Game by Danielle Steele about an older gal like us whose husband walks out on her. I am definitely going to buy it or try to get it at the library.
Hang in there too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:18pm
so i am guessing that you live on the west coast someplace if it is cold where your family lives...lol. i live in california. the divorce laws and spousal support guidlines in this state are in my favor, especially since i don't have a fraction of the earning power that stbx has. i am communicating with him by email now, and the purpose of that is for ME to save $$ on the attorney...he has to pay my attorney fees, but only to a certain amount. i usually make a list of questions and stuff i want to discuss, then when i do talk to the attorney, i fully tell him i have the timer running...LOL.
my son is also 18, and he too doesn't talk much, and now he is in the navy, getting ready to go to japan for 2 years. i know it's hard now, but he will come around when he gets some maturity and life experience under his belt. all you can do in that direction, is maintain your dignity, and hope for the best, he will eventually see that you always did the best you could, and that you love him.
yes the deli is a lot of fun. if you live on the west coast, there are little lunch time delis like that in alomst every business park and a couple in every block, try it out, you won;t make much money, so it shouldn't effect your permanant support. at least that is turning out to be true in my case. my tiny paychecks in no way can compare to the level of living i had during the marriage, and that seems to be significant. also, there are always lots of really nice working class guys my age that come in, and that helps with the "i don't have a life anymore" blues. ( some guy called me "girl" the other day....i can't tell you how long it's been since a man called me "girl")
keep hanging in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 9:35pm

Yup I live in CA. Hard to go back to the foreign lands with snow blowers and shovels. If you have ever fallen on your butt on the ice or lost control of your car on ice ( I have done both in my youth) you will understand why it is hard to leave this state. And my relatives can all afford 2 week cruises or trips to Florida resorts in the winter.
It is a hard decision. I can remember my teeth being cold in the winter in New England.
I wanted to tell you that I checked out the book Dating Game by Danielle STeele about a 46 year old getting dumped unexpectedly and it is uncanny how acurately Ms Steele describes that first month. ( She had this experience in real life ) Very good book for middle aged divorcees to read.
Her ex is very generous though --just gives her the house, no arguments over settlement. That is not too realistic but she accurately describes the getting dumped by surprise after long marriage experience.
Court or settlement has not set permanent spousal yet. Garvin rules say that you have a duty to TRY to become self supporting. Opposing counsel may attach a Garvin warning. However my lovely psychologist wrote a letter saying I was currently far too depressed to work full time. God bless her. It is true. They imputed $700 a month using Dissomaster the divorce softwear even though I am not making that now ( they said I made that earlier in the year so they said WELL you CAN make that) . I am working clearing out the house of 23 years worth of stuff. Sometimes you can get it written into your settlement that ex hubby pay for training if you wanted to go to law school or go to a technical school -- year program to become a pastry chef, computer fixer etc. At our age it is a little hard to go back for 2 or 3 year programs but I did meet a lady who started law school at age 58 at the end of her divorce and practiced law from age 61 to 71. I was pretty amazed that she did that.
All for now

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:39pm
i lived in virginia for 10 years, and grew up in northwest missouri, so i can totally relate to the cold stuff...lol. my long range plan so far is to move back to ,missouri in a couple years, so i can afford to buy my own house. i have never had a job that paid more than 8 per hour, so my stbx will either have to retrain me, or go permanant, i'm shooting for that plus half his pension. he HAS had the same job all these years, and he makes a huge pile of money and has scads of benefits. i groomed him and supported him thru that job all these years, it was my job too sort of. it was always all about his career there, and i truly believe he wouldn't be where he is without me helping him. that's my story and i'm sticking to it...lol. i'm already getting things worked out with him via email, that has made it so much easier. i offered to let him keep his midlife crisis jeep wrangler, in exchange for everything else...he jumped at the chance not to have to sell the jeep, as i knew he would.
i'm lucky because i can move into my mom's condo and live ultra cheaply, and with mom daughter and me splitting expenses it will darned near be free...so i can get important stuff done like get dental done and replace my old sad car before something falls off of it...lol