starting the separation process
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| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:46pm |
My question is about separating from my husband. He had an affair a year ago, I'm still recovering.
I've been visiting the board about 'forgiven him but can't forget' and it's helping me a bit knowing I'm not going crazy. Anyway, it's a long story on how the affair got started but in short, I have accepted it and actually convince myself that one day he will leave. For now, he was very apologetic, always trying hard to gain my trust back and really wanted to stay with me and our 4 kids. Or so he say. I don't really know what to believe, but I want to protect myself (and my heart) and not hold him to that promise.
All I want now is to start separating myself from him and I want to start with our finances.
My situation is different. He's a money guy and very good at it. I on the other hand, screwed myself and now buried in credit card debt. I always believed in the saying "Clean your own mess", it was my fault and I don't want him to be affected. Whether he knew or not that I have a lot of credit card debt, he wasn't giving a hint at all. I work 2 jobs and trying hard to pay it all off, but it's a slow process. He has a perfect credit score and I don't want to be the cause of ruining that.
So my question is, when couples separate, how do they separate finances? Where do I start? What lawyer do I need to consult with? Divorce? Family? or Estate? Or do I need to go to a financial advisor?
We're joint on mortgages, and car loans only, I'd still pay my share of the mortgage, I just want our name separated. How do I do that? Please help.
Thanks in advance.
ahjaes4

Well, since I am currently going through this, I may be able to help. I went to see a divorce attorney. She advised me of what to do/not to do and what to expect out of the whole process. As far as cars and mortgages, you will probably have to refinance to get one or the others name off if you have debt that is attached to the assets. If there is no car payments or mortgages, you can get an attorney to file the necessary paperwork to take names off. I decided to get advice from an attorney, but do most of the stuff myself. I drafted my own separation agreement from a sample I found on-line for my state. I filed paperwork with the bank (which he had to sign) to get his name off of my bank accounts and open new ones for him. Luckily we sold our house 6 months ago (my decision in anticipation of this), so it helps make things easier. We do not have kids, but if you do, it comlpicates things further.
I ran a credit report for me and him and closed or took my name off any joint accounts. I think it is a good idea to see an attorny and have a plan before you approach your H becuase he could flip out and wipe out your bank accounts or run up credit cards. Just a suggestion...that's what I did. He just got his own apartment and I will be moving to another apartment in 3 weeks.
I wish you luck. it is very hard. I was very sure I wanted this separation and then the day he left it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am confused now, but I am hoping it will get better with time. Good luck!
Start with the divorce attorney.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
"He's a money guy and very good at it. I on the other hand, screwed myself and now buried in credit card debt. I always believed in the saying "Clean your own mess", it was my fault and I don't want him to be affected."
If your assessment is completely fair and correct, then I applaud your actions. I want to say that I find that admirable. Please do beware of taking too much on your shoulders, however, 'cause you may be feeling some depression over the situation and that could make you feel more like this is "all your fault." Even if it isn't. Don't forget that any debt attributed to being a parent is to be shared by both parents. Each of you will share in those expenses in the proportion that you can afford to do (if he makes more $, he pays more than half).
While you are being fair and resposible, be sure to treat yourself just as fairly. Too many people (of both sexes), allow their emotions to affect the divorce, and may end up in too deep a hole. That would not be good for your children. Take care.
I even told him that if we ever separate i won't ask for alimony, just support the kids. I grew up taking care of myself and he knows that. And he even got mad coz he said I have too much pride. Well, I felt that I lost everything and all I have is my pride and my kids. I told him I won't fight him on anything, not even for child support but I will fight him for custody of the kids. He can take everything, but not them.
Thanks again for your advice.