Staying for the kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Staying for the kids??
65
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm

I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?

Laurel :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:14pm

What about in a situation where one parent is an alcoholic and they drink away all the money and cannot hold a job. you end up with no money for food, for household expenses, no money to put gas in your car???

I told my 10yr old DD on new years eve day that her daddy and i were divorcing. the reason i gave her was simple: we both love her, we are both so sorry and so sad that we have problems that need to be resolved, and we cannot do that in our current situation. She initally cried, we talked, then she smiled and said "thank you mommy." "i knew something was wrong, but i didn't know what it was. maybe you and daddy will be better friends and both be happy."

sometimes the marriage is so broken that the support system is gone.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:25pm

I am having that internal debate right now. My H has been very unsupportive of me, put me down, criticizes me and has also spit on me, thrown a drink at me (just the liquid not the glass), thrown hardwood tables, ripped his clothing off in anger (like the incredible hulk LOL!) amoung a couple of other incidents. This behaviour scares me - H flies into a rage fairly easily - but just with me. He has no patience for the kids - but he doesn't fly off the handle with them. Bottom line I am sick of being treated like a second class citizen. he expects me to have sex with him when ever he wants (which is all the time) and in a way that I find demoralizing. But ... he has said he is sorry and that I do deserve better. He said a week and a half ago that he would go to counselling but now he says he won't. I feel I need him to make that committment in order for me to move and get past all of this bad stuff. He refuses to compromise - which is very much in character for him. I was - at one time - willing to do anything to keep our family together as I have been very concerned for our children and how this would affect them.
I am having second thoughts though. Wondering if I should give just try to forget about the past (although I am fairly certain I will live my life walking on eggshells just waiting for his next outburst). I also noticed on his credit card that there is a charge for a hotel room on a night he said he was staying with a friend out of town. because of his abusive behaviour I haven't asked him about it and we have since separated (hotel was on Dec 26th - we split Jan 1st). This is a major internal battle for me - what is best in the long run. I don't want my daughters growing up thinking it is ok to have a man treat them with utter disrespect...... There are so many factors to weigh in a situation like this..... I am just not sure which direction I am going to move in..... Right now I am at the peak of the motional roller coaster. In the meantime we do have an appointment with a mediator in two weeks. We won't tell the kids until later (H works shifts so we can hide the fact that he isn't sleeping at home).

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:46pm
there are a million different scenerios that could play around in marriages & relationships ending...w/my ex, he had a smoking habit - the last straw for me was walking in on him smoking before work!! what made it so bad was that he drove for a living & i knew at any point if he were pulled, we would lose financially & i would basically be on my own at that point anyways - my only regret looking back tho, was that i didn't push counseling at that time...i looked more at him & how he was being self-destructive & not necessarily at myself, the issues that i brought to the relationship & possibly making some changes...if at the time, he would've been committed to resolving some issues & problems & seeking counseling, then maybe it could've worked & we wouldn't have had to break up the family...honestly i don't know if he would've at the time or not b/c i just pointed the finger & never really even asked...i was young & wanted to bail at the first sign of trouble...i'm not saying that i did the wrong thing, but i'm saying possibly any feelins of regret or guilt could've been put to rest if i would've handled things differently...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:56pm
i responded on the 4th post to another lady...you can read that as response as well...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 5:12pm

My motto in my life has been - no regrets. So - after reading your post, I have a strong suspision that I will ask him one more time to go to counselling to see if we can work on our issues. Sometimes in my head I picture us being happy and in love once again. But in reality I know that he is a very selfish man at his core and will always put himself first and most likley hardly (if not ever) will he consider my feelings, do something nice or thoughtful for me, acknowledge my positive impact on our life as a family, recognize my need to have alone time and to also know that I have his support in the form of looking after our children more, etc etc.

The counselling would hopefully deal with his explosiveness and anger. Sex is also a HUGE issue for us and it may be our deal breaker. He wants it all the time and is not willing to compromise on that. I know I can't live with that. It is my body after all and he needs to respect my boundaries. This isn't easy...that's for sure!

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:03pm
Here is how I look at it. My parents stayed together for me and my sister. There was always tons of tension and we never knew when they would blow up. I can not remember a holiday or birthday that was not ruined with them fighting. They would make little comments about the other one. It was horrible for me and my sister. My parents just divorced in Dec. I would rather my kids grow up with divorced parents that can get along and both love them then married parents who fight all the time. Even if we don't fight all the time the kids still see that something is wrong. They are already making comments like why did you sleep on the couch or daddy is gone a lot more, why? I was always completely against divorce until I really looked into my own life and realized the effect my parents had on us by staying together for us.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:32pm

you sure we're not married to the same man - lol...i'm serious...when i read about him taking off his shirt etc., it so reminded me of the night that mine jumped on our bed straight off the floor like he was a hero figure - lol...the good thing is that you can laugh about it (as i have had to)...mine has never put his hands on me, other than pushing me out of a room (so "my mouth" wouldn't continue to upset him...truth hurt? hmmm), but he would do about anything else...like hollar in my ear, to the point on me having to rub it...but it takes alot to shake me & he's about my same size...of course he's physically stronger, but i would hold my own in some way - and his worst fear is to go to jail (that always helps a marriage, lol)...when i talk to my aunt now about our problems...such as yes, his lack of appreciation for all i do...wanting me to do more...wanting things his way (i feel like it's a dictatorship, rather than partnership)...yes, wanting sex when he wants it etc., then she says i could've told you in the first 10 minutes how selfish he was...yep!!! of course if you asked him, it would be the other way around & as he told someone "anyone that lives w/her would have to be her servant"...hmmm okay!!! i as well have many children...3 - the oldest is 8, from a previous relationship & the other two are our two year old twins...he as well has put questions in my head about his fidelity b/c on many occassions he has stayed gone or did whatever he liked due to "us not getting along"...i used to call him & leave nasty voicemails, or keep attitudes for days...now i don't even allow it to phase me...my grandmother told me after 5 children & marriage for over 50 yrs "my children & husband put me thru alot in all those years, but i never allowed it to affect my sleep", now i know what she meant!! if it weren't for my previous experience w/my first son's father & the fact that i have experienced the hardship physically/financially etc. of being a single parent & missing out on 1/2 of the parenting time that i would've had, had we been together, then i would've been gone...but those are just the harsh realities when you have children w/someone & "it just didn't work"...had we not had children, it would've been a cold day in hell before i put up w/any of his crap...but i'm wiser & older (or at least i'd like to think :) and know that it will take alot before i step out the door...i will create a life around him first (which is pretty much what i have done, and am quite happy w/it)...if he choses the divorce or totally crosses the line in someway to make it no longer possible in some way, then i'll go from there...also something else that helps to give me some peace is the fact that sometimes when i look at my twins (boy/girl), how they play & fight it often reminds me of us & how you can't take any of it too seriously & must find the humor in the stupidity of it all...i heard one guy say that his wife would never put up w/some of the things his friend has - meaning first they are friends...when i back off from the "expectations" of it all & the he's my "husband", which causes so much anger & frustration, then it b/c's clearer what is truly important & what i really want in life...he really has nothing to do w/it :) anyhooooo!!!! good luck & i am envious if you can pull yours into counseling...i've tried...it's a no go...he said what's a counselor going to say?? "that i'm supposed to just deal w/it!" lol - yep probably!!

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:51pm
i definitely see where you are coming from on that - and when two people can't get along for whatever reason, and it causes a life full of tension etc. then i think it's best to separate...it simply depends on to what degree you can't get along or anger that you have b/c the other isn't "conforming" to your ideas or expectations in the marriage...but i also think that growing up w/your parents divorced, you would've also dealt w/many issues as well...and kids are going to grow up & judge their parents, no matter what they did - if they divorce, stay married or whatever, so ultimately you can never make decisions based on just on your children...i think you simply have to do whats best for yourself & believe that in turn it's also what's best for them...in my situation, at this point...staying in the marriage (even tho it's not what i had hoped for) is what is best for me...partially due to being able to be involved in my children's lives daily & maintain a certain standard of living...it's all about the situation, pros/cons...if you would've asked me awhile back, i would've said leave if you're not happy...but now i think i have a different perspective on things...i think ultimately if you are miserable b/c of one part of your life not going how you would like or expected and therefore consider yourself "unhappy or miserable" then i think you may need to re-evaluate & try to fill your life w/more things that make you happy, rather than ridding yourself of the one thing that doesn't...just throwing out thoughts here - no right or wrong answers to any of it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:52pm

Sweetie-

You have a smart daughter!! Sometimes I think we don't give our kids credit when credit is due. My 10 year old son gets it as well as your daughter. We both raised our children with morals. I depend on my 10 yr old too much. I have a 5 yr old as well. A few years ago, a therapist told me I was clipping his wings because I was trying so hard to raise him to be the opposite of his father. It's so hard to be a parent! Sometimes I think the 10 yr old has more responsibilies than his father. I just want my son to be a good person. Good luck.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:04pm
Laurel, I wish I could show that show to my ex. That is exactly what he did. He gave up too soon. I am still willing to forgive him for his affair and work this out for the sake of the children. He will never admit he made a mistake though and will never come home. I was a child of divorce and I can tell you that growing up without a stable family base messes you up for life. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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