Staying for the kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Staying for the kids??
65
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm

I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?

Laurel :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:46pm

Rose,

I thought you had both decided it was the right thing to divorce. You sounded ok with it. Like you thought it was right for you.

Otoh, I understand the back and forth feelings. I go through them daily.

No one can decide for you.

I have been inspired by you. Keep posting; our journeys are not disimilar, except my h is definitely done; no going back.

I just keep waiting for the 3rd shoe to drop ... there is more to his story than he is saying ... worries me for me kids ... not sure what he may be up to and what they might be exposed to in the long run.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:52pm

Me again, Rose, to say ... yes, me too; mine will not acknowledge how I have created a wonderful home and family life for him and our children and carried him almost literally through multiple bouts of depression, financial irresponsibility and unwillingness to work hard. According to him I am the source of his problems, not his helpmate ... (before me it was his office move, then his senior boss, then his immediate boss; now it is my turn)

I will say, though, all that carrying I have done ... got/gets me angry and that's why he says he is leaving -- my anger, my "negativity," my "failure to support him." Anger, yes -- I have been very angry about how I have carried this family, but carried us I have and for that I get no credit.

Sigh ...

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:59pm

Good for you Laurel ... finding the humor.

I would much prefer to stay married and work on what works well between us (we parent well together for example) and mend the problems, for example now that I know how strongly he feels about my expressions of anger I would be willing to find other ways to let him know how upset I am about stuff, but he is done; not willing to work on it ... I can't stop him so I have to do my best to take care of the kids and myself through the divorce. I think it is not the best choice for them, but it only takes one to divorce.

So sad because my kids are happy, functioning, secure, outgoing, intelligent kids ... their world is about to be destroyed ...

GL holding on.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:01pm

Right on! Wish my h took your view!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:00am

Hi M - you know what - things are getting a little too close to going too far (although until the D papers are signed I guess there is still a chance....?) I am concerned that I might mistakenly be thinking the grass is greener (I don't think that is the case but I'd rather not risk it). Maybe I am getting cold feet as we have an appointment for mediation in two weeks. Clearly we have been living a less than ideal life up until mow - but as disfunctional as it has been - it worked for us. Had he not had his "mid life crisis" (his words not mine) then I would have continued living under these conditions. Now haviung stepped away from that life I do realize there were som major issues and I know I cannot/will not go back to that life.

We still haven't told the girls yet. he picked them up from daycare today and out for dinner etc. When he brough them home our 2yr old started to cry when he was leaving for a "meeting". Clearly they realize something is happening. I feel just awful for them. i want to be sure that I did everything within my power to try and make this work (without compromising my values and morals).

Funny thing is - if things were to work out - there would be an element of humiliation as some people know we have separated. But I don't want that to stop me from trying. I just sent H an email asking him to please give counselling a try - what does he have to lose? Maybe he will say yes - maybe he will prove to me why proceeding to official separartion is right for us - either way - I will know that I gave it my all.

If H is willing to compromise and go to counselling then I thinkwe need to give it one last kick at the can.

Rose

(M - how are things going for you? Any changes in his behaviour?)

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:18am

Funny you say that - as I used to remind H all the time that we are on the same team but he always acted like we were opposing teams. Nothing i did was equal to anything he did. I too would get angry about carrying more than my fair share of the load. My H is/has always been very ambitious so that hasn't been a problem. But I have been very well employed since day one, plus I carry the full load at home and still I get no respect or appreciation. But I have always been the peace keeper in our home - he angers very very easily so I always tried to remain very calm. That has basically made me the family doormat.

At end of the day we are human and none of us are perfect. Making a marriage work takes compromise - I have been compromising for years and I think it should be his turn now... I have extended an olive branch - only he can make the decision as to what to do with it.

the saga continues....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:45am
yes - wish my husband did as well...these are my thoughts, but honestly he's pushing for divorce, therefore that is probably what will happen here...if i can avoid it, i will...but if that's the direction he's going in, there's nothing i can do...if you offer all you can (minus being the "wife" they expected) and it's still not good enough, then sometimes you must accept things for what they are...i just know that i'm not the one pushing the button...which gives me some sort of peace...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:50am
you're not alone - i as well have one that is set on divorcing...yes, while i have found the humor in things & created a life that doesn't always include the person that doesn't care to be always included, and found some happiness...he has not...we as well have very happy & well adjusted children & am fearful of what this may do to them...the youngest are only 2, so i am hoping that maybe it's better when they are younger & won't affect them as much...we shall see...you can only do the best you can & you are right, it only takes one person to divorce...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:10am

"but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible"
I don't believe that marriage is the support system children need. Our children need parents - and happy parents - to learn how life can be lived.

If we believe in the current right of the human being, where the pursuit for happiness has been added in the last century, then we have to believe that it is our right to look for our happiness, and our duty to teach our children how to search for this.

Of course - this does not need to be selfish or random, but it means that if you truly are unhappy in a marriage, you should dissolve it - even if violence or abuse are not part of the picture, even if there aren't BF or OW to come in the picture. Being unhappy is likely to bring out the worst in everybody, and to make the institution of marriage an even worst one for our society than it already is...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:13am

Over--

Thank you for that. I dreaded telling her. She is so sweet and so innocent. My 15 DS reacted the same way. He of course knows many more details than his sister. Raising children is so hard with two parents who get along, yet alone when you don't.

I read a post on EAS last summer that was written by "winebarrelplease" (or something like that) It was very poignant account of growing up with parents who stayed in a marriage for the children. They always knew something wasn't right and were actually relieved when their parents divorced. If i knew how to find the post i would add the link. If you know how to find the link, look for it. It was excellent.

what

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