Staying for the kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Staying for the kids??
65
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm

I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?

Laurel :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:19am
In regards to the alcoholic husband issue. Been there done that. I tried really hard to stay for the kids. Probably too hard. I can and have tolerated soooo much. But...I realized that the insane (literally) alcoholic cycle was taking over my family. I was not a wife but a mother that was making it possible for my H to continue drinking. I stayed for two inpatient treatment programs, more relapses than I can care to remember, finacial ruin, embarrasment, etc... I am sure you get the picture.
I finally realized that I was not helping him get sober by staying with him and maybe the only chance he had to stay alive was by losing everything (very sad but true) and to finally begin to have to take complete responsibility for himself in all aspects of life (i.e.-work, pay bills, feed himself). There was no abuse and he was a pretty alright Dad but I decided that I would rather have my children have a sober Dad divorced from their mother than a drunk Dad living in their house.
We are just in the midst of this and there have been a lot of bumps in the road but it feels good to know that I have no responsibility or control over his actions and the consequenses of his behaivior (and there have been many) are his alone and I don't have to fix them or be consumed by them.
Molly
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:21am

M-

<<<<<>>>>>

Please don't underestimate the power of positive thinking. I am scared to death going through with my D and how it will impact my children. I too am concerned that their lives will be destroyed, but restassured, they know something is wrong. they can sense the tension, the anger, they know. Stay postive with them, tell them daily that no matter what, you and their father love them more than anything. Try to keep a good relationship with their father, don't talk poorly of him in front of them, etc.....
Good luck to you

C

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:26am

Oh Molly,

we are living the same life. i completely understand and relate.

best wishes and good luck

christine

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:39am
Thanks Christine. You as weill. Stay strong and remember-you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. LOL-can you tell I have spent some time at family week?
Keep posting, I would like to hear how you are doing.
Molly
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:42am
i would've probably done the same thing in your situation...the fact is marriage & children are hugeresponsibilities...and if someone can't take responsibility for themselves, how would they ever be able to take on anything else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 11:55am

"it feels good to know that I have no responsibility or control over his actions and the consequenses of his behaivior (and there have been many) are his alone and I don't have to fix them or be consumed by them."

Wow!!! I know the feeling! Alcohol did play a major factor in the downfall of my marriage. H's cycle was binge/social drinking, periods of constant drinking at home during times of stress, and it almost always led to foul moods, embarrassing outbursts of anger from him to me or family and friends. Anyone who disagreed with him. He was capable of quitting for periods of time, but it never lasted more than a week or two. He had periods when the drinking was light, but still existed. Those times weren't bad.

I was the enabler. I allowed it to go on. We did fight about it when it was bad and I told him when I was bothered by it, but it was ultimately his decision whether to continue or not. I never dumped his alcohol down the sink or water it down like his mother does for his father. (Yikes!) I never forced him into AA or anything like that. I guess we were both in denial that it was a major problem.

I'm tired of making up excuses for his behavior. I'm tired of being embarrassed because he's having an outburst in front of my family and friends. It feels good that I no longer have to answer for his behavior and explain why I put up with it.

I thought about the issue of staying for the kids. I am a believer that you don't stay for the kids if you are so unhappy. The kids will pick up on that unhappiness and they can and do survive divorce. If it means a happier life for you in the long run, that will reflect on the kids. Those are my feelings. In my case, my kids were learning from their father that it's ok to belittle and insult people for not doing things the way HE thought they should. It's ok to put your wife down because she doesn't live up to your standards. It's ok to get drunk and act like a donkey, for lack of the ability to post a more appropriate word. They were learning it's ok to hate people because they are a different race (he was very racist and not shy about it). They were learning from me how to quietly accept verbal abuse and unacceptable behavior for the sake of keeping peace in the family.

So, no.. I do not believe in staying for the kids. In the case where a woman may fall out of love with her husband who is otherwise loving and a good provider? It may be worth counseling to try to rekindle that love, but I would think there was an underlying reason for the love to die in the first place. If that can't be fixed and it becomes a loveless marriage... move on. My opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:07pm
I grew as a child of divorce (was 4 when they split) and the only thing that made it bad is that my dad was a partial dad.
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:27pm

I know H loves the kids and I expect him to be very active in their lives. And I will certainly encourage it. I will have trouble dealing with extended visits. During Christmas break he had them 5 days and despite plans of my own to keep me busy, I was going stir crazy without the kids.

I knew I needed to leave two years ago in order for me to be happy. I briefy had doubts after separating 6 weeks ago wondering if I was making a mistake. But those fears were based solely on me feeling guilty for hurting H. Going back would have meant continued unhappiness for me.

I am very confident in my decision. While I too wonder if it's a "grass is always greener" thing right now, it is fresh in my mind still how "brown" the grass was in my marriage. There was a green patch here and there, but for the most part the grass was dying. That is no way to live. It wasn't boredom or "comfort" like he suggested... the whole "marriage gets boring and predictable" defense... it was emotional abuse that pushed me out in addition to personality differences I could not accept (I felt he was a nasty mean person to other people and I couldn't stand that in him).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:40pm

Oh yeah, I give them "the line." Honestly, though, they are too smart not to follow that logic that says ... "if Daddy and Mommy don't love ea. other any more then Daddy and Mommy can stop loving me (no matter how much we reassure them)and if Daddy can leave us then what is to keep mommy from leaving us?" Frankly, our reassurances are empty, hollow promises to them. We may know we would never stop loving them nor would we abandon them (although I believe that is exactly what my h is doing, literally and financially), but they follow the very reasonable logic above ... they no longer can feel safe or trust the parents who were the very foundation of their lives.

Sorry, that is what I have read again and again and again in the literature by the top researchers (Ahrons, Wallenstein, Hetherington) and others.

This is the reality ... we have to do our best to help our children heal and repair and hopefully flourish, but the wounds come first; inflicted by the adults who should have done better and acted like the adults they are.

Bless you--I hope you and your children weather this great sadness and some day also come to flourish.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 2:07pm

I will pray for you and your children.

My h is not going to change his mind.

I don't know what I am dealing with (sanity or insanity), but we are moving ahead. I just met with the lawyer. Stunning ... he may get away with providing minimal support for the kids and may get a piece of the house despite the fact my money paid for it and I have paid off probably $100,000 in his school loans and credit card debts.

Screwing his wife and children and getting an incredible financial windfall he never earned -- I can't type the words that come to mind.

Trying to get calm -- had teacher conf. with younger dd's preschool teacher and she now has a play date and my mind is reeling ...

M

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