Staying for the kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Staying for the kids??
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Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm

I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?

Laurel :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:34pm

Thank you for your kind words :-)


Ya know... yes, divorce often means that we have to reprioritize our financial picture... a lot... but I've found that I can get by with a lot less... and be very happy.


And, it's great that your kids adore their father.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:53pm
Wow! Well said and thank alot for saying it. Your kids are very lucky to have you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm

M-

i'm not sure if i understand your response to a good or nice life. are you refering to a financially stable life, or a home full of love, understanding and patience? my children know they are loved, but they also think the life they are living (with a drunk, and living in the enviroment that our home is in) is normal. please don't get me wrong, regarding finances: while my h was gainfully employed, my children enjoyed a very nice lifestyle. (we live on a golf course, full membership to the club, unbelievable amenities), great vacations, nice cars. i don't believe my children are spoiled, but they had a nice life. however, when you cut your income from well into the 6 figures to about $1900 net a month, things tend to go south very quickly. then when you drink about $800 of it away, well, you do the math.

i found out that while money isn't everything, it does make life more tolerable. i wasn't happy with it (my father was a "well to do alcoholic" retired at 50 and began traveling) and i certainly wasn't happy when my drunk stbx was bringing the bacon. money buys stuff, not happiness. my kids have gone without the golf lessons, but they have also gone without new clothes, shoes, underware, food, etc.... you get the picture i'm sure. i live in a house that should have sold close to 850K, now i'm bankrupt, and my kids qualify for free lunch. what a joke...............

however, they still smile, say please and thank you. they get good grades, except for algebra. my son holds my hand when we cross the street and my daughter is an unbelievable child.




Edited 1/12/2007 8:06 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 8:47am

Hugs to you. My early comments were adressing *my* situation and many situations which simply aren't as grim as yours. I *know* there are situations where divorce is the right thing to do; I hope my posts didn't sound like they presumed otherwise.

You need to do what you need to do to take care of your children and yourself. In your situation, and others, divorce is the best way to take care of the children.

You and I are in different situations. From *my perspective* my h is not acting in the interests of his children.

His children are happy, doing great and adore him and have a wonderful extended community of friends through church and community as well as the benefits of a sahm. Divorce will tear that fabric apart.

That said, I can't stop him so I am doing all the right things to make the painful process go as smoothly as possible. I talk about my hurt and anger here, with a counselor and occasionally close friends, but I treat him with courtesy and respect and state my opinions with regard to the impact on our children at the appropriate times (at our joint meeting with the child psych who is helping us prepare a parenting plan, for example).

So, I am here to support others dealing with the pain of divorce and here to share mine. I hope that means I can support you and also share my perspective on my situation without anyone feeling I am challenging their choices.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:32am

M

I'm sorry if i appear to be questioning you to death, :-) I struggle with my decision daily, even though the writing is on the wall. Its great to see another perspective. the spouse who files for divorce can sometimes miss the emotional aspect of the spouse who doesn't want the divorce, so i am truly using your words of advise and wisdom as knowledge.

I'm sorry your husband is such a "jerk" about persuing the divorce. You obviously love him and want to make it work. I am sure my H feels the same about me. You'll get through this as we all will and i hope your children know that they are loved by many, many people. (even those of us who don't know them, but understand their difficult situation.) Hugs to you M, keep your chin up. You deserve to be happy.

You can email me if you so choose to discuss further.

christine

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:30am

Actually I don't agree that ending a marriage earlier is harder. My friends parents waited until they were all out of high school and played the happy little family and she's in her 30's and she's still devastated by it because she never saw it coming so I don't agree that waiting until they are 18 has less damage on them. I think it's the way you handle the divorce if you handle it in an amicable way, if you are mature adults, if you don't try and damage the other party and tear each other down and work as a good coparenting unit in the divorce process and in years to come in the decisions concerning the children I think the "family" unit can work fine.

It's not necessarily the "divorce" itself it's what the two adults in the matter do to each other and subsequently the children I feel that make those children really screwed up individuals in the process. You can do that divorced OR while you "stay".

And I don't agree with your assessment that it's an easy decision when there are no kids involved. Its NEVER an easy decision to divorce someone you love. And I don't think put in the decision whether you have children OR not that one should make their first choice divorce. That's why the US has the highest divorce rate. I think divorce should be the last option. One of the best books I ever read when I was going through the painful process of finding out my husband was cheating on me was the book "The case against divorce" It was how good meaning family and friends pushed you into decisions you didn't necessarily want to make and that was divorce, basically family and friends sometimes because they didn't necessarily know what to do with the information you were dumping on them or the feelings pushed you to make a decision and it was most of the time divorce. It was a really good read not a big book but I liked it. Sometimes divorce is an only option not because it's so easy to make but not one person can save a marriage. TWO people need to decide to make a marriage work. I chose to want to save the marriage, my exhusband refused, he flat out refused. His only option was divorce. I wanted to go to counseling, whether it be the church, an actual counselor etc. He would have none of it. He wanted a divorce, he moved out, made no move towards a divorce and refused to go to counseling. I can't be working on the marriage alone. He wouldn't work on it. Unfortunately if he made his decision in haste that's his burden to bear. So we got divorced. I went to counseling for a year and I know in my heart I tried everything I could to save my marriage. I am only one person, it takes two to save a marriage. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Had we had children then I would have been forced to coparent with him and smile politely while he was married to his OW for a short while and I would have done it too and I know I would have because I was able to smile politely and do it through the whole divorce proceeding and be a better person and rise above it and handle my grief and anger through counseling. Yeah it's tough but I just don't agree with slamming people and ripping people apart it solves nothing in the end. He on the other hand badmouthed me all over town. Even though he was the one having the affair. I just held my head up high. I think that's why to this day 8 years later, I don't have the slightest care to ask about how he's doing to mutual friends because I've truly moved on in my life, but he's CONSTANTLY asking how I am, what I'm doing, pumping my friends for info and just this year sent me a christmas card. I don't know why, guilt maybe?? I don't know. I do find it interesting that someone who wanted out of my life so badly 8 years ago seems so interested in it this many years later. Me I'm like dude move on. LOL

Anyhow, I really think people need to start treating each other better. I know that there is a tremendous amount of pain and hurt and betrayal that comes with cheating, divorce etc but they need to deal with the pain in more constructive ways then tearing each other down or trying to get back at each other financially with revenge tactics etc and through their kids. THe world would be such a better place.

Smile,

Deirdre

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:37am

This thread has gotten so long that I can't remember if I posted in the beginning of it or not so please forgive me if I repeat myself - ;). I've read all of it and I just couldn't help but pipe in (again maybe...) and tell my opinion.

I was with my now ex for 17 years and married for 14. Our children were six and nine when we made the final decision to divorce, but it took several years of sorrow and a couple separations to get there. I too wanted to stay together for our family, but in the end I saw that I was portraying a very skewed perspective of marriage for our children. My H was also an alcoholic (and addicted to porn and video games as well), depressed and unemployed after I put him through school to become an engineer. He tried to have an affair (was turned down by that smart girl) and told me it was ME that was the problem. Where I know there are two people in a marriage and a divorce, I still don't think it was really me at al. Honestly, my biggest fault in the marriage was that I allowed him to do whatever he wanted from the minute we met. I held my anger for too long, we hardly fought, but it was *his* world. Our relationship was sybiotic, the weaker he got with his depression and alcoholism, the stronger I got and one day I realized that my children are WATCHING me cater to this insanity. Bringing food to the drunk on the couch, going about my life without him in it while trying to keep my family together. It was too much to bear and I ended it. My kids were and still are sad about it, but they are THRIVING and happy children. Their dad has gone on to do horrible things to them and hasn't called since August. They are now in control of their relationship with him (they choose not to call him either) and I know they feel strong and while it is deeply sad for them they are comfortable with their decision. I tried, I know I did but I also know that my happiness filters down to help my children be happy. Good luck to all of you worried about the grass not being greener. I have to tell you that if you end your marriage for the right reasons it really is.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:50pm

Melanie

I cried when i read your post. I don't know why, but it struck an all to familiar chord with me. My STBX went to rehab in early october. he seemed to be pulling it together. i called my mom friday thinking that maybe i made a big mistake, as he was trying so hard. But you know what? He quit yet another job friday and has been on a three day drinking binge since. he's actually sleeping on the couch now. so sad, so very very sad that our children watch this.

thank you for your post and your positive outlook. i move out on the 20th. i am so scared and feel so alone. but your post has offered me some hope that maybe i am going to be ok!

what
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 7:57am

Thank you for your response, I'm so glad I could help. My ex admitted he was an alcoholic, but never went to rehab or AA. He'd quit on his own and slide back into it. It really was more the depression and suicical threats that ended it int he end. I'm sure when the kids look back on when we all lived together, they'll think about how their dad was like a shadow in the house, not a drunken jerk (although he was that at times too). I think it's very important for all of us to remember that if we are miserable our children will know it and feel it. And even worse, they'll think that's the way it should be for a family to feel. You know the saying - "If Momma ain't happy then nobody's happy"? It's a very true statement. Hang in there, be strong for your kids and know in your heart that you CAN do this. Don't stay for your kids, LEAVE for them.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 9:16am

There are alot of responses, many of which I only skimmed through, so I'm responding to the OP. Research is skewed all over the place depending on perspective. I have heard more often than not that people who leave unfulfilling marriages- for whatever reason are at least as happy as those who manage to work out their marital differences. That says a lot for the process of working it out if both parties are willing and able to do so, but it no way advocates staying and being miserable.

However, while divorce is disruptive for children, it is not as completely destructive as many purport unlesss the parents are fightnig and making it bad for everyone. This is based on research, again, the transition is difficult for all parties, however the cildren of divorced parents gain a number of positive qualities as well- as do all who learn to cope with changing circumstances.

I know how scary and hard it is to leave and, yeah I guess I left for "greener pastures" if greener pastures means the opportunity to be myself, fulfill my life and be a better person for my children. I really don't believe that patterning a marital relationship where the parents didn't even sleep in the same room anymore was beneficial for the children. Everyone is different and has to make their own choices accordingly. This isn't a black and white situation.

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