Staying for the kids??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Staying for the kids??
65
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm

I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?

Laurel :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:28am

You are right to be concerned for your daughters. Not only will they accept the abusive patterns as OK or normal, but they will also lose respect for their mother in the process. I know, b/c I was raised in a similar situation. I was very lucky to find a man that was not abusive... But, here I am anyway.

You are in a different situation where the sanity and saftey of you and your kids outweighs the trauma that they may face through divorce. You all will be healthier without your husband (given what you have said).

I would suggest counseling for yourself. I think that a counselor could help you validate and understand your feelings more. I went to my own last week and it was WONDERFUL. Especially, given that my husband thinks that I'm crazy for being upset with him right now. I have another session on Wednesday, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Good luck.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:42am

I agree with what you are saying here... That you need to push through the bad and fill your life with the good. But, my question is about this OW relationship. My choices are to still be a pain about this and demand that the relationship stop, or just deal with it.

My husband has said that he wants both. He wants to keep his family and be married, but he wants his "friendship" with the OW. I just feel SO wrong about that. We've NEVER had issues before. This is the first time that I've put my foot down about anything. I feel bad b/c I just want to move on and not be mad and be happy in our relationship again, but I also don't think that I can when I don't trust the relationship with the OW.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:25pm

Melissa, Did your situation start when you were pregnant? I'm 3 months pg now. I honestly don't want to be a single mom. My dh has been out of town for almost a week, and it's really hard work -- Props to all of the single moms out there! -- It just seems easier, and more balanced to have both parents in a child's daily life.

I am with you about the part-time parent thing. I don't feel like I deserve to be punished for this. I don't want to give up my child every other weekend and I know some people do a full month in the summer and holidays too!! I am a SAHM and have become quite accumstomed to having my daughter with me everyday. Then, what about the new baby? It really makes me mad b/c I don't feel like (keep in mind that logically I know this is wrong), but I don't feel like he's earned rights to that child. And, if he decides to leave before the baby is born! Ugh. Too much to think about, but this is such a HUGE topic.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:23pm
depends on what your definition of marriage is (which of course can be debated on many levels) if marriage is a union b/w two people, not three, then in that sense, he is breaking his committment to marriage...people have families all the time and other relationships but what makes it a lie is when two people are married...marriage should only be for the monogamous, right? if not, then your situation could be fine i suppose...i personally don't condone another person in my bedroom which in essence is what you would be doing if you stayed married...you might as well invite her on in for some "fun" if that were the case...anyone that she is sleeping w/, so are you & chances are if she's sleeping w/a married man & knows it, she's also sleeping w/others...men are really stupid when it comes to that type of thing...i personally want a monogamous partner, regardless of our "marriage" status just to avoid the consequences of disease etc. my husband has women friends, many that are past "relationships" long before him & i and i don't have a problem w/that, as long as i have met them & there's nothing physical any longer b/w them...i as well have stayed in touch w/men from my past...it's not an issue w/him either...we're both secure in that way - but everyone is different - it's just other issues we have. ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:25pm

Did you say that your husband won't go to counseling? You seem like you're in the same boat as I am. You KNOW that the best thing is to hold the family in tact. It's just getting past whatever issue is in front of you. Luckily my dh wants to go to counseling (our first session is on Friday). I'm just nervous about how he'll react if things don't go his way in the session. He's so convinced that he's done nothing wrong.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 2:45pm

Financial Concerns Regarding Kids:

So, I know that I *could* financially support myself and the kids on my own. But, that would still drastically effect our standard of living. I think that I could probably keep the house, but what about all of the upkeep? We currently have the luxury of having a housekeeper and a lawn service. I *could* start doing those things on my own, but when? With a newborn (on the way) and a 2-year old?? I'm a SAHM. I currently do work from home part-time, but brings in some $, but not a full income. I would most likely have to go back to a full-time job. Then, what would that do for the kids? I'm one who truely believes in the benefits of a SAHM. What about family vacations and after school activities? What about just being so tired after work and on the weekends? My dh has been out of town for about 1 week, and it's just exhausting chasing after a toddler all day.

So, I know that these things *can* work out. But, if you don't have to force the issue, and you stay together "for the kids." It seems like everyone has a better life. (This only applies to the situations that are not abusive or out of control).

Any thoughts?

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:00pm

Well, I think that the kids can sense when you are just "living life"... and that was not the example of marriage that I wanted my kids to think that you have to "settle for".


Was there physical abuse?.... No.


Emotional abuse?... Likely--and who knows where things would've gone if I hadn't always been doing whatever I could to try to please my husband.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:09pm
I should clarify that it's not a "physical" relationship. That's why he doesn't see an issue with it. I'm not a jealous person (he has other friends that are female). But, it's obvious that this girl has a crush on him, and that this has developed into an emotional affair. He just refuses to acknowlege that or be on the same page. We are at an impass, which is very frustrating...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:19pm
hmmmm, i would probably have a problem w/that as well...can't say for sure b/c i'm don't think i've ever been in that position, but yeh - only you know your feelings & i would trust them...the thing is, if your husband is not leading her to believe anything such as he would move the relationship in another direction w/her, then eventually she should wake up & smell the coffee...so maybe not to stress too much over it?? good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:19pm

Yes, we went to counseling, but he was already done. He believes by smiling and keeping cheerful the kids will be "great." Easy for him to say. He is making my life hell and my kids lives turmoil, but they will be "great" if we just tell them it is great. Sure (not)!

Hugs to you!

M

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