Staying for the kids??
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| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 3:57pm |
I just heard a good show yesterday on the debate about staying for the children. I can speak from experience when saying that I possibly left a relationship too soon when a child was involved. I had the thought of "never stay for the children" in my head, so it wasn't too hard of a decision, when I believe there's more too it than meets the eye & should've been. Obviously we all know that we should not tolerate abuse & that is definitely something the kids should have to go thru...however...aren't there a huge amount of marriages/relationships out there that involve children that end b/c someone wasn't "happy" or "in love" anymore?? The host basically said there are alot of "quitters" out there that thinks the grass is greener....when in fact, it is often not & could possibly be worse - one fact is that even if it's not worse, when children are involved, it is definitely going to be alot more complicated. When no children are involved, we can easily say, life is too short to be miserable & move on - but when children are involved, isn't it a responsibility to uphold their support system if at all possible...meaning, including when we simply don't feel like it anymore or are sick & tired of being sick & tired?? Hmmmm, just food for thought. Also - if this is true, does anyone have a possible age of when that responsibility should end, lol...18?? Of course seen many marriages that do end at that time - and know that parents divorcing would still affect them at that time, but obviously earlier ages would be more difficult. Any thoughts out there on this subject matter?
Laurel :)

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M-
Hey me again. you may have said this before and i may not recall, but why does your husband want a divorce so deperately?
Christine
Well, there are lots of reasons, but the basic one is that, in *his* opinion, I am a unsupportive and angry.
I don't really want to get into the details, but in *my* opinion, I have carried him and this whole family through our 9 years of marriage, through his multiple bouts of depression and non-functioning, through his failure to do the work necessary to care for his home, his finances and his family.
M
M--
I feel for you. It seems as if he really isn't being fair, you have *been* there for him in his time of need. IMHO, if you are angry, you probably have every right to be. Marriage is a two way street, you supported him, now he's bailing.
best wishes!
Christine
Hey, S, I thought I had given this thread a rest, but I guess not. Just wanted to say you have articulated many of my concerns. For me (just for me) I have found being a sahm the gold standard. I love how I have been able to gentle allow my children to grow up, not rushing them into "independence," etc.
Now ... well, my situation is almost exactly like yours; I may be able to afford the mortgage, but nothing else and then there is all the upkeep and food. If I return to work then I will be exhausted, stressed and less emotionally and physically available to my kids, not to mention not there to walk them home from school ea. day (we are "walkers").
I know I need to "think positive," but I am not there yet. Can't get past the costs of this divorce to the quality of my life and my kids' lives and I am not talking money.
I will have to "get over it" soon and for my kids I will try to put a happy face on it, but it has only been 5 weeks since he announced and only 3 months since I knew something was brewing.
I am trying so hard to be civil for my kids' sake.
M
Thanks for the pat on the back. It does feel that way to me, but I am sure I am no picnic to live with either.
Looking back over the years of our relationship (12), I recall at least two people saying to me (and maybe more); "you know, maybe he just isn't able to step up to the plate." The latest person was the marriage counselor. Her point being, it isn't that he can and won't act like a responsible adult, it is that he is *incapable* of assuming the adult responsibilities of husband, father and homeowner.
You can't get blood from a turnip, as they say.
Sigh ...
If it just weren't for the kids ... they adore them and he is a great dad and my going back to work etc. is going to change everying ...
I will do my best.
I know you will too.
May our stbx-s make it easier for us rather than hard!
M
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