Staying together for the kids?
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Staying together for the kids?
| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:33am |
I am contemplating a divorce from my second husband. We have been together for 8 years and married for 5 years. We have a 3-year-old daughter, and I have an 17-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter from my first marriage. My son lives with his father full-time and I have him every other weekend (I got custody of both kids but my son wanted to go live with his dad when he was 10--we never changed anything legally). My question is: My son did not deal with the divorce from his father well at all, and I think it may have been because he was 5 when we got divorced, and my daughter, who was only 2 at the time, adjusted well because I think she did not fully understand what was going on. My marriage now is failing and my husband tells me every other day that he wants a divorce. But then he will say he is sorry and that he didn't mean it. I am always eager to forgive him because I really do not want a divorce. But it has gotten to the point where I don't trust that he loves me because he always brings up divorce. We fight a lot about blended family issues and money, but I love him and really want things to work, especially for my little daughter's sake. He also says he would want shared custody, and I don't think I could live with not being with my little girl half the time. Mostly though, I hate the thought of breaking up her ideal world. We try not to fight in front of her, but when we do, she sees us make up, and she seems happy and well-adjusted. Should I fight to stay in this marriage even though I have every reason to believe he does not love me? What's best for my daughter?

Oh, that is so tough. I would definitely ask for counseling. I would ask him to be honest in counseling and see what you have to work with.
At this point I would rather have my stbx as a housemate and keep the kids with both their mom and dad because I think it is better for them. We can explain mom and dad's feelings for each other have changed, but we want to be together for them etc. But, that is not what the culture generally encouages and many folks have very complicated situations and for others getting out is essential for their safety and their children's health. In my case, my stbx simply doesn't care how many people he hurts in his rush out the door.
I would say seek out a counselor together or even on your own to sort it out.
Gotta go get my dd on the bus ...
M
Hi there amy,
Your husband is pulling a really rotten stunt by immediately saying he wants a divorce during an arguement/discussion.
Money and kids are two of the three highest sources of conflict in a family.
I am interested, and if you would, can you summarize your perspective and his perspective on money and kids -- what is the source of conflict here?
I also was wondering the same thing for a long time, but my husband yells at me in front of our dd even though I've told him not too many times. She's seen me in tears. He yells at her too. He's not physically violent, but definitely has anger management problems. At least you two actually make up in front of her. I think that is a good sign, that there is still hope.
Like you, I could not bear to be apart from dd for more than a few hours or a couple days here and there.
Hi Amy, thank you for answering.
As I read your post, I had a few thoughts.
"he thinks the baby should get more because my other kids are getting things from me and their own dad."
Thats bs. And its disrespectful. With a blended family, the entering parent may or may not come to love the other's children. Regardless, there needs to be mutual respect. And this is disrespectful.
Being a step-parent and being called "dad".
You cannot force this. I've been in the step-parent role, and quite frankly, its sucks. When kids get mad at their parents, they will rarely take it out on bio-mom or bio-dad. So if they are comfortable with step-(xxyyzz), they will use this person as a target. You need to be sensative to this. Kids are extremely manipulative, and may be unpleasant towards him.
"He can't stand your Ex"
Why is he dealing with the ex to begin with? If he can't stand the guy, than its reasonable for him to have no contact.
"He won't stay with the counceling"
I'm sorry to say that this demonstrates a pretty poor level of commitment to the marriage. He's obviously on the fence whether he stays or goes.
Perhaps its time to have a very frank discussion about divorce. He already brings it up. If the two of you can discuss what divorce really means -- the cost, the emotional turmoil, the wreckage everyone's lives will be for two years or more, etc, maybe marriage will seem a better alternative. If he's unwilling to engage in fixing the marriage, and avoiding counceling is unwilling to engage, then you are heading for a divorce.
"He wants child support for the step daughter"
This is none of his business. He should just shut up on this one. He knew what he was walking into.
Counceling works for people who want to improve themselves. Attending counceling is one concrete way he can demonstrate his committment to the marriage.
Its really up to you how much you are willing to tolerate.
However, and I caution you, do not threaten with divorce. Once you reach your limit, just do it.
Good luck and please stay in touch.