STBX is acting like nothing is wrong!
Find a Conversation
STBX is acting like nothing is wrong!
| Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:20pm |
So I finally got the guts up to tell STBX that I want a divorce, but I cannot move out yet because he can't afford the mortgage and bills on his own (Plus I live in a community property state, so they are my bills too).

Such a hard situation! I started my divorce (or at least mentioned the "D" word) about a year ago now after pondering it in my head for a long time. My H was so MAD and was trying to look for something to blame it on. Finally, the anger got so bad that the marriage counselor suggested that one of us move out. Since he wouldn't, I did. And I never went back.
You cannot control how people react to all of this. It's hard and weird and no one knows what the "rules" are. Other people in your life are also going to respond "wrong". This is all normal, or so I have determined.
So, even though people's reactions and ways of dealing may drive you BANANAS, you have no control over them anyway, so try really hard to let it go. (Easy for me to say now, since my STBX kind of ignored the whole problem too and made me SCREAM INSIDE). You are responsible for your reactions and you should help your kids. That's all you can do.
Good luck!
"By me being nice to keep it amicable, he is getting the idea that things are going to work out and I am just being irrational because I am "mad.""
I too am trying to be amicable, but have made it a lot further so far. H and I would go through periods where I told him I wanted a divorce. He promised to change and go to counseling. We never went to counseling but it blew over.
This time I'm not going back. It's been 6 weeks since he moved out and he's still in major denial that I could possibly want to leave him. He was so "wonderful" to me. He's gone so far as to insist I see a therapist because I'm obviously affected by some mental disorder causing me to be so irrational. He thinks I'm bi-polar because I refuse to try to work out our marriage. The truth is he was emotionally abusive and we are not compatible. I am done with that.
I'm faced with trying to get him to accept the divorce. I haven't filed yet, but I think that's just giving him hope that I may change my mind or that I'm undecided. The truth is I was hoping he would accept it and we could go our separate ways amicably. But I feel I need to move on in order for him to even think of letting go.
I have gotten my own apartment. I move in next month. He doesn't know about it yet. I'm seeing my lawyer today to discuss actually filing for divorce. We had discussed filing bankruptcy together but I think I may just do that on my own. I can't afford our marrital bills as well as my own now. He's not giving me a cent nor is he even trying to pay the debts or utilities at our old house. Neither of us live in that house. The bank will foreclose on it. I don't care.
Point of my story is I have an H in denial hoping I change my mind and thinking I'm mentally unstable ... which he will use to try to get the kids from me. He's not accepting that I'm leaving him. He doesn't believe my reasons no matter how many times I've told him. He refuses to move on and promises to fight me every step of the way.
I'm HOPING... once he is served the divorce papers, he will know I am serious and I am not coming back. My hope is he decides to move on and give up on me. My hope is he tries to be amicable and doesn't take me to court for custody. I know in my heart he's doing it to get revenge on me... not because I'm unfit or that he actually wants the responsibility.
It could get ugly. I'm bracing myself for a bad fight. But "waiting" for him to come around and accept this is NOT working. So I need to be proactive. That began with my signing the lease on my apartment last weekend and continues today with my appointment with my lawyer.
Good luck to you. I quit worrying about whether H can pay the bills. I'm going bankrupt anyway. My credit will be destroyed. I made a point to get the apartment first so I didn't get denied later.
Oh my goodness, aside from the fact that you are further along than I am, and the banruptcy, that could have been a page out of my life.
i've posted on this topic before. i told my husband in october to start looking for a place because i was filing for divorce as i had had it with his drinking and inability to pay bills. he still hasn't moved out, so i am next week. he refused to go to court after being served because i wasn't allowed to divorce him.
i've been reading about the grieving process with divorce. maybe he's stuck in denial?
Oh, I fully believe that he is in denial.