STBX begging me to take him back

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Registered: 05-07-2003
STBX begging me to take him back
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Mon, 01-09-2006 - 2:09pm
STBX stopped by a little while ago, and basically begged me to let him come home. He said he's been "talking to" someone; only drinks "light" beer; and wants to move forward with me. Yet he says that "all these girls" keep calling him, etc. He ALSO said that he told our oldest DS (he's 18 1/8) that he was coming over here to talk to me about me "letting him" come back home and get together. I told STBX that I felt that we had divergent opinions on this subject, and felt it was a little too late at this point; and that I'd heard this before, why should it be different than in the past?


Edited 1/9/2006 4:26 pm ET by susieyippin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 6:16pm

susie, I feel for you because I do have experience with this. First, a little background.

About three years ago, at his insistence, my STBX and I separated, and I filed for divorce. This wasn't something I really felt ready to do, but he insisted it was over, so that was it. After a few months of me meeting new people and starting to move on with my life, he decided he wanted to get back together, and I thought it might work out. He had been a largely absent father and husband, but it seemed that he could change that with some counseling and committment. Well, the "honeymoon" period of reconciliation ended pretty quickly. Within a matter of weeks, it was pretty much back to the same old thing - ignoring me and our son, going out all the time with friends, wasting money, not paying his federal income taxes, being totally emotionally distant and cold, etc. I put up with it for a while longer.

Fast forward to this past summer (2005). I knew our marriage was over, and he did, too. He almost never spent a night home from January until July. I asked him to go to counseling repeatedly. The first session, he told me he had plans to play poker with the boys, so he couldn't make it, so I just went by myself. The second session, he decided he needed to play golf. Again, I went alone. he did show for the third session, but left half way through because he needed to get back to work. Amazing how he could take time off to go to the casino with his friends, though.

We talked of divorce, and decided it was best. Both of us were miserable (though he later decided he wasn't). After telling me repeatedly to hurry up and get out, at the last second, he decided he didn't want to divorce. It was just too late for me by then. After I left the house and fild for divorce, I happened to start spending time with a great guy(he was actually an old aquaintance of mine). My STBX dialed up the heat and really decided he wanted to get back together. I just don't get it. This was the man who ignored me, mistreated me, was basically a completely disinterested and distant husband, and NOW he's changed? We separated before, what was that about? Didn't he have enough time then to commit to me? I knew in my heart I could never go back. I would regret it for the rest of my life.

In your heart, what do you really think? If you think there might be a chance, that is worth examining. However, if you've heard it all before and honestly think he can not make the positive changes that need to be made...I think that's valid. I'm sure you thought long and hard about divorcing and had VERY good reasons. Good luck. I know you'll make the right decision.

Avatar for susieyippin
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 6:51pm

Thanks for sharing your story J&T. Nope, haven't loved him in a LOOONG time. He moved out, because he knew I was going to a divorce lawyer. He's emotionally abusive, and this pattern has been going on and on for a lot of years-- him getting scared, and acting on his best behavior, appeasing me by not drinking (sneaking the drinking, actually), lulling us into complacency, then the drinking starts up again, and the cycle repeats itself. I told him this, and said I wasn't going to spend the next 20 years repeating this BS. I told him that I considered the marriage a ruin/total loss 18 months ago, when he refused to continue with counseling, and by that time my health was destroyed.

It would be 1,000 steps backward for me if I called off the divorce. He just wants things to remain the way they are. My brother has a chance to take over our uncle's business, and STBX sees how much THAT is worth, and even had the balls to suggest to me that HE (STBX) take it over! I seriously doubt that my uncle would think of giving his business to the alkie I'm divorcing.

In August, before we went to court, STBX pulled this same thing... I reminded him of it, and he said, "I wasn't ready to reconcile then." I replied, "Then why did you ask me in then if you weren't ready? And why am I supposed to believe that anything is different NOW than in the past?"

I especially don't like the way he's dragged our son into our private matters... I told him this, and he said, "He's 18." Duh. He's ALSO our SON, and is inappropriate for him to bring him into this. What a tool.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 8:32pm
Hi Susie
Have you tried the alanon program?
IT is for people affected by alcoholics.
It helped me to see the patterns of my alcoholic husbands behavior and for me to cope.
I left him in may after 14 years.
he too is very emotioanlly abusive and controlling.
He had not worked in over 3 years.
Since I left he has gottena job, stoped 24/7 drinking and wants me back.
he even told me he would go to AA and give me 175k to get me back.
I am tired of all the BS and need the divorce to move on with my life.
In support
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:06pm
It sounds like your mind is made up and you made the right choice. It seems like all too often, we get the, "I swear I'll behave!" speech, after YEARS and YEARS of repeated poor behavior and broken promises. You've seent the pattern, and you realize what your future with him would be like - a poor one.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:25pm

Thanks to all who posted and shared their stories and support. As I was saying to my mom just a little while ago (STBX has been calling her, telling her how much he loves me, etc. Mom said, "Uh, call HER and tell her, not ME."), 3 weeks of being dry out of 20 years of living with his being an alkie DOESN'T mean he's sober. And that's what HE doesn't understand. He kept saying, "I'll do this for you, I'll do it for the kids. " I told hom: "No. You do it for you, REGARDLESS of what my decision is." I've suggested AA to him; that's not for him, he says. He just doesn't GET it. I told him that I will ALWAYS wonder if he's going to be a jerk when he gets home from work (he's self-employed, and thus can drink on the job), and that the kids and I have lived TOO long with that particular stressor in our lives. I explained to him that these poor kids don't know what it's like not to have an alcoholic in their home (I don't drink, and was raised in a home where neither parents had drinking issues-- I didn't see my dad drink a beer until I was in my 30s!), and that every NIGHT they would be walking on pins and needles, wondering what shape their dad was going to be in when he got home... how many broken promises... how THAT could be good for them?

Like I said, I think he's just going through a "good boy" phase, trying to impress me. When does the shoe drop again? I'm not planning on being around when it does, and my health won't tolerate it. PLUS, there's a question about bipolar disorder on his side of the family... I've seen FAR too many mood swings (My mom has always said-- and I agree-- that STBX blows hot & cold) in the 19 1/2 years with him to doubt that bipolar is an issue. I'm done with his toxicity, and I'm rebuilding my life on MY terms, NOT on HIS alkie whims.

Hugs to all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 8:25pm
Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like he is playing some good head games with you. I can't help but wonder, and please forgive me I do not mean to come off as disrespecful at all, but do you think he got dumped by one of the many 'girls' that he says keep calling him?? Why would he want to come back now?? Did he really realize the error of his ways?? Or did he get DUMPED. What ever you do is your business, but be careful. He sounds like he can't be trusted. Good luck with this mess. Pam
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 8:53pm

Hi Pam,

This is just the cycle that we go through... He's an emotionally abusive alcoholic (who may have undiagnosed bipolar), and what happens is he gets scared because he sees me moving on/or it becomes too real for him, and he gets mad and acts out. Then he goes through the remorseful, super-nice phase.

I don't know if he's been dumped by the girls who are allegedly calling him. I don't really care at this point.

One REALLY hilarious thing that happened this week... A few years ago, I'd gotten several books to deal with the crises we were having with his whako family. One of the books I'd borrowed from the library was called "The Power of Positive Confrontation". STBX saw the book back then and his comment was, "You just got that so you can win arguments!" and ridiculed me. This week, he announced that he got a library card, and had taken out some books. I stopped by his shop yesterday, and guess what book was on his desk. He PROUDLY showed off his book to me. Of course I couldn't resist reminding him about his comment to ME about the book 2 years ago... he replied, "Oh, I want to be respectful of people and their boundaries", which is such BS for him to be spouting off. If he's truly changed, good for him, but I seriously doubt it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 3:14pm

Yuck!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:02pm
Oh susie, that is too funny! Ya know, why do some men act like such idiots??? And I love the condoning of their behavior, NO MATTER WHAT. My stbx is a master at manipulation, feeling sorry for himself, and condoning his behavior. He is also an alcoholic. He actually has health issues bacause of too much drinking (intestinal blockages the size of footballs) and pollups. But his condoning of his behavior is what I reall got sick of. I admit when I am wrong. I always have it's just the way I am. I have little to no respect for anyone who blames everyone and everything else for their mistakes. My stbx would even blame the computer or the telephone for our problems. It's never him. ALways someone (usually ME) or something else. Even if he did initially take responsibility, in the same breath he would always turn it around on me. It is my fault. Unbelievable. I feel like I have lived with a pathological liar for 17 years. Good for you for not caring if he got dumped. I hear ya. You seem to be getting beyond all that. But it is still hard when you truly do love someone. Ya can't just shut the love off like a light switch. But I do firmly believe time heals (and so does having another boyfriend... :) ) Good luck to you. You did make me laugh with the book thing. Pam
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Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:25pm

Hi Pam, I was going to post an update, so here it is...

I dropped DS off at STBX's shop a little while ago. STBX walked me back to my car, and we were talking. He asked if I'd thought about reconciliation since our last talk. I told him what I told him before: I'll ALWAYS wonder if he's going to start drinking again; he's had what, 1 week and a half of being dry out of 20 years?; I've heard this before; I'm not going to spend another 20 years of this cycle.

He kept trying to convince me how he's changed, and how good it can be with him; how all these other women are "in love" with him; and the icing on the cake: "I can't believe your answer. I never thought you'd be so NEGATIVE." LOL

EDIT: He also asked if I'd thought it over or talked it over with anyone. I said yes, and he said, "With other MEN?" I said, "no, with WOMEN, including my counselor. The only MAN I've talked to was my DAD. I have thought about this a LONG time, and the conclusion I came to was ON MY OWN." He's such a manipulative weiner.




Edited 1/13/2006 4:30 pm ET by susieyippin

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