STBX being a jerk
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-18-2005 - 10:40am |
All week STBX has been acting...odd... and jerk-like. Last week, he said something to 9 y/o DS, "You can come over to my house, and have some good, DECENT food." For WEEEKS he's been saying how he doesn't have any food, just stuff he can cool on his George Foreman gadget... poor STBX... he hasn't had a scrambled egg in SO long... If he'd only made one comment, that would be one thing, but yesterday, I had to go to the court mandated parenting class, so I took DS to STBX's so he could spend the night. STBX made the "decent food" comments in front of DS AGAIN.
Also, DS is on Adderrall again, so I gave the bottle to STBX. He went to put them in the fridge, so I said, "It doesn't say that they need to be refrigerated. Please leave them at room temp, unless it says to refrigerate." He made a stink about that. DS had been on this med prior to STBX moving out, so STBX knows the drill, as far as the meds go. So, stupid STBX says, "You might want to count these before you leave, so you know I'M not taking them." I'm thinking, "WTF?", then he says, "Oh, when is he supposed to take these?" I said, "as early as possible, you know that."
Oh, I almost forgot! Yesterday was invoice day for our business. For a YEAR at least, when I sign the invoice letters, I write down who owes what, and total the numbers, and give the paper to STBX, so he can keep track of when people send in their payments. The total was over 6K. So, I give the paper to STBX, and he gets defensive/paranoid, and says, "THAT isn't what we bring in! It's more like $XXX.! That's the GROSS!" And he starts scribbling on the paper, writing the phone bill, electric, etc. I said, "I ALWAYS add the fees and give them to you, so that you/we have some idea of what people owe." I mean, it was strange. I usually go over the names with him, to see if I have the correct accounts, and whatnot. I know it's the gross. He's just being such a jerk about every l i t t l e thing!

I hope you don't mind me saying this.
The only part of the conversation that DS heard was when his dad was making the comments about the "decent food". I specifically wait until DS is out of the area (yesterday, he was down the street when I was speaking with STBX). STBX specifically makes comments in front of DSs to make himself look pitiful, and like I'm the one who is being mean.
STBX IS an idiot. :-D He can't be bothered to read labels on medication, and I said to him that the label says not to refrigerate, because the first thing he did when I handed the bottle to him was to scurry off to the fridge. Before he moved out, I always had DS's meds in one of those pill holder things, which was never refrigerated, and STBX would give DS the meds in the a.m., before school. I told him when DS went back on the meds. He's just playing games, and trying to make things difficult. I do expect him to step to the plate, but judging my his past behavior, he's just doing this because he's mad that I wouldn't reconcile with him. He didn't get his way, and now he's lashing out, which is what his family does.
It's HIS way, or the highway. No one else's opinion is worthy of him. He constantly screws things up, because he can't be bothered to read labels, check into things, do research beforehand... Like with our storage business. His dad told him what a great opportunity it was. STBX actually said to me, "Yeah, I can kick back, rent storage, and let the money roll in." I said to him, "It can't be THAT easy...?" He said, "Yeah, my dad said so. His buddy is making lots of money." When I looked into it a little further, I found that we needed to have leases, and there were certain town restrictions that we had to adhere to, liens, auctions, etc. Plus, keeping track of 50 or so accounts?! I didn't want us to get screwed by his imcompetence, so I took the reins for the most part on that end. He didn't want to be bothered, and he'll take the path of least resistence whenever possible. I found the comupter, the software, do the invoices, and try to balance the accounts so we don't end up getting screwed by his idiocy.
Hugs, susie. My ex exhibited a lot of the behaviours you describe - trying to make himself look pitiful, playing dumber than he really is, looking for get rich quick schemes, and being unbearable when he didn't get his way. Our dealings post separation were awful until I realized that he was never going to change, but I could change how I reacted to him. As long as I kept playing my old role in our script, things would never get any better, so I started dealing with him the way I'd deal with someone professionally. I didn't bring up old issues or call him on the little things. I kept things to the point and matter of fact. I didn't let him get a rise out of me when he said the little things that would push my buttons. The examples Jennie gave are some of the methods I used with him. At first he persisted in trying to upset me, but when he realized he wasn't getting under my skin, it became less frequent. Another tactic that also worked when I wanted him to do something was to try to find an angle where it would benefit him rather than about how it would benefit me.
I also found that when I started this new approach to dealing with him was when I started to really emotionally detach from him. Once I stopped reacting to the things he said (at least to him - I did some ranting once I got off the phone), his words began to lose meaning for me. I realized that I don't have to care what he thinks of me and just because he says something doesn't make it true. Now he could call me every name in the book and it wouldn't push my buttons because I honestly don't care what he says or does, I'd just rather he do it far away from me, lol.
Yeah, what I'm starting to do, as I am also 50% owner of our storage business, is to take some initiative on some business issues. One of our smaller 5 x 10 units is becoming available soon. STBX had put someone in a 5 x 20 space (he'd constructed some walls to make the interior smaller), and charged them for a 5 x 10 space. So, I put a note in with the invoice, and asked the renter if he'd be willing to move into the smaller unit, with $15 off the next month's rent. It would free up the larger size, for which we could get $75 a month more than we were getting. I didn't ASK STBX, I just did it, and told him afterwards. He hemmed and hawed, and said the guy was probably moving out soon, but I've found that isn't always a guarantee. People stay as long as they need to. If they don't have places to put their stuff, it stays in storage.
Today, I called STBX and asked him if he was going to the PO. I'd used up all the stamps for the invoices and still needed more to complete the invoices, and he usually goes to the PO on Monday. He hemmed and hawed, and said he was paying bills (like HE does everyday-- I didn't fall for his bait, and said nothing). I said, "Well, the sooner these go out (they printed out Saturday), the sooner we can get paid." (There were only 3 or 4 more letters that needed stamps.) The buttwipe had the nerve to say, "We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket or something?" I didn't say anything at the time, but in the future if he says that again (he's said it all week), I think I'm going to say, "Yep. The mouse's names are DS & DS", and see if that shuts him up. Anyone have any other ideas of what I could say?
The thing is, I've always treated my interaction with him in the business in a business-like manner. When I've had ideas, I've presented them to him respectfully. When he's presented ideas to me, I've treated him with respect. He has never chosen to show me the same consideration. If he didn't like my idea, he'd ridicule it, or get mad, and I'd say to him, "if I were a non-relative presenting you with the same info, you wouldn't act that way."
Today, I called STBX and asked him if he was going to the PO. I'd used up all the stamps for the invoices and still needed more to complete the invoices, and he usually goes to the PO on Monday. He hemmed and hawed, and said he was paying bills (like HE does everyday-- I didn't fall for his bait, and said nothing). I said, "Well, the sooner these go out (they printed out Saturday), the sooner we can get paid." (There were only 3 or 4 more letters that needed stamps.) The buttwipe had the nerve to say, "We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket or something?" I didn't say anything at the time, but in the future if he says that again (he's said it all week), I think I'm going to say, "Yep. The mouse's names are DS & DS", and see if that shuts him up. Anyone have any other ideas of what I could say?
No, saying nothing is the best course of action IMHO.
Edited 9/19/2005 2:35 pm ET ET by susieyippin