stbx called to say he wants me back

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
stbx called to say he wants me back
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Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:46pm

We both agreed that we haven't been happy. We have mediation the end of this month. I don't know why he is saying he wants me back. He said that he would sell the house and move anywhere I want and that he would be happy because he would be with us (me and our two kids). It's been really hard being a single parent, and I'm tempted. But won't history repeat itself. We'll be happy for maybe a month or two and then it will be just how it was before. I knew Valentine's Day that it was never going to work out. I could not find one card that said how I felt about him. I don't miss him, just the idea of him. And I think it's the same for him. He misses his kids, and wants to have a wife and his kids at home. But I don't think it's me he really wants. Wouldn't we just be wasting more of each others time? I'm really confused right now. Had a really rough week, just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

Liza

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:49pm
What about not getting back together just yet, but putting the divorce/mediation on hold and going to marriage counseling together just to talk and explore the possibility with a trained, objective professional? It would be a good way to know if getting back together is worth a try or a waste of time before you go through another life upheaval.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:28pm

It is hard to look in oneself and to find - emptiness.

Beyond making everyday's life easier, the presence of a husband at home is supposed to be for love. DO you still love him? I feel that is the real question, and probably the harder to answer.
If I look in my heart, I find a big, hard lump where used to be love, affection, closeness to my ex, sympathy. Nowadays, although I still like him as a person, and we are good friends, there is no such attraction (and I don't even want to think of a closer intimacy).
Look in yourself, and think of what you want. the harder part of the separation is done now - going back should be for a good reason, involving love and caring for each other.

Just my 2 ç...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:48pm

I believe all situations deserve a chance ( except one where violence or emotional abuse occurs )


I think if you can honestly look at yourself in the mirror and say you have tried EVERYTHING and you KNOW it just won't work and not have one single second thought..... then it's time to move on. If you have even one iota of a doubt about breaking it off for good, you should give it another chance.


YOU have to be happy with YOU before you can be happy in a relationship of any kind. That goes for your husband too.


That is what is best for the kids involved. BOTH parents have to be happy with themselves. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, that could go either way in this situation. Showing of doubt for either way ( stay or go back

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:52pm

I don't know all of your situation, but you should do what you think is going to be the best possible thing for you and your children.

I say this a lot, but it's b/c it was the best piece of advice I got during the whole "should I stay or should I leave" process I was going through. My ex had already set the stage for how the rest of my life was going to be with him. He wanted to come back home after we separated, and I thought about it long and hard. But I knew in my heart, that it would be great for about a month or two, and then he would just revert back to his old ways. -- He always did --

While being divorced and being a single mother is very hard, I believe that it was the best possible thing that I could do for my situation. I could not bare living in the type of relationship that was damaging my self esteem and self worth. I would cry myself to sleep...praying to God to just give me some kind of answer to all of the questions that I had about my marriage.

Marriage is a job and it takes both people to make it work. I do agree though, that if you truly feel that you may be able to work it out, to try counseling first, before you let him move back in. Being able to discuss your problems with an outside, educated party would probably help wonders.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong and try to be brave through this ordeal. I know it is terribly hard, and I feel for what you are going through. Put yourself and your children first, and everything else will follow.

Best of luck...lots of hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:36pm

Hi Liza.... I think that sometimes being apart does give people a chance to think and gain new perspectives..... but I wouldn't feel pressured too quickly at this point.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:56pm
I did say something similar to my ex. I had complained for years about the lack of sex and the excessive video games, and only when I said divorce did he promise to do whatever it took to change. At that point, I had realized there was no way to make it work, we were too different and we wanted different things from life, and I knew his desire to change that moment was more about his fear of being on his own than about any form of love for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:03pm

EXACTLY... my EX didn't want to be on his own.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:15pm

LOL. I didn't realize I was my ex's second mother until I got to therapy. By that point we were already separated and the divorce was in process.

Edit: I still don't think my ex realizes I was his acting mother. I told him he should go to therapy too, but he doesn't think he needs it. He will just go merrily along looking for the next gf to be the next mother, I assume.




Edited 4/5/2005 4:17 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:28pm
That's my EX, too... he did agree to counseling once I said I was done.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:08pm

My husband's whole thing with me was that he expected me to be more like his mother after we had kids! I told him that he should have married someone more like her instead of marrying me.

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I just know in my heart that this divorce is meant to be. I just had some doubts in my head after talking to him today and after having a few insanely tough days on my own. I've been happier without him, my friend's and family have all noticed a big difference in me. And I notice it too and I like having the old me back in my life (if that makes any sense). I smile and laugh now, I can't tell you the last time I did that when I was with him.

Thanks again for your responses, it's so nice to have people like you to chat with.

Liza

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