STBX Moving In With OW-visitation ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
STBX Moving In With OW-visitation ?
15
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 6:09pm

My STBX informed me today that he is thinking about moving in with his OW and wanted to know if I was going to be mad if DS is over there on "his" weekend. (I think he is just po'd at me today because I finally stood up for myself on some things. I think this is just a way to try and not let me have control of the situation, since I took it from him).

I told him I would be furious. What would that be teaching him. He basically informed me that I had no control over what he does with him on his visitation. Is this true? Do I not have a say about the morality of the situation he wants to put my DS in?

Please help...I'm a little freaked.

Up to this point everything has been pretty civil. But after today, I have a feeling things are about to take a big turn for the worse!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 7:40pm

Unfortunately, there is probably not much you can do. Some people can have written in the divorce decree about no overnights with the opposite sex - then that would apply to you too. You would need a lawyer in that situation - do you both have lawyers? Lawyers get very rich in cases like this. Is the fact that it is the OW coming into play. Would it be different if you were divorced, your ex got a girlfriend and the same situation came into play?

Odds are the "playing house" with the OW will not last long - unlike people in affairs like to think they've met their "soulmates," in reality, they are just cheaters.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 8:45pm

I would love to put that in the divorce decree, but that would probably make a bad situation worse. I didn't think he could get any more morally bankrupt than he already is. I think he is just trying to get back at me. I am the only one with a lawyer, like I said before, before this, everything has been pretty agreeable and civil.

To answer your question, I would have a problem with it at anytime, if he wasn't married. I just haven't raised my kids to think that is morally acceptable. No offense to anyone. That is just MY belief. Funny thing is, it used to be his too. Also funny (not haha funny), not 2 minutes ago, I was informed by someone close to both of us, that he informed them that he was marrying her on December 31. WE AREN'T EVEN DIVORCED YET!!!! Probably won't be final until October some time! ( A little background, we've been married 24 years, high school sweethearts) How is that for a kick in the teeth.

I'm not thinking it will last long either. This would be her 3rd marriage!(And she is 30)

I just sit here typing, shaking my head in disbelief at what he has become. It makes me so very sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:03pm
Sounds like a typical male mid-life crisis situation. How old is your child? The OW will probably tire of him once the ED problems crop up and move on to her next guy....... unless he has money. Hope you get him for both child support and alimony.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:24pm
Unless there is a stipulation in regards to introducing the child to new girlfriends/boyfriends etc than no you really can't dictate what your ex does in regards to his living arrangements once the two of you are seperated and divorcing. Morally even if you think it's wrong, it's really not your say, I don't think legally you can withhold visitation because you don't agree morally with what your exhusband is doing. I think you might want to focus on the bigger picture, your child spending quality time with his father. If the home isn't putting the child in physical harm. I'm not sure that there is much you can do.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 9:54pm

I am in no way concerned about any physical harm. It is the emotional well being I am worried about. This girl has sucked him in completely. He is already spending more time with HER pre-teen son than he is making time to spend with his own. It breaks my heart for my DS. He (DS) doesn't see that now, mostly because I cover for his dad when he doesn't see him.

I guess that there is really a lot more to the story than I have time to write here, so you might better understand where I am coming from. I have been OVERLY fair in this divorce splitting everything 50/50 with him, when I am the one has gotten the house ready to sell, with no help AT ALL from him. I am the one who encourages the older (grown) kids to call him and stay in touch with him. All this while getting stabbed in the back and heart too. I guess you can call me bitter. Heck yeah......

He just is not at all the man he used to be. The person I married would have never done this to his family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:40pm

Your situation sounds so much like my own was a few years ago.... married 23 years to a man who had always been morally upstanding.... but mid life crises changed all that. He had an affair with a married co-worker and they broke up 2 familes. He introduced my kids to her BEFORE we were divorced and he married her 6 weeks after our divorce was final. I will tell you honestly I felt EXACTLY like you do, but very quickly realized there was nothing I could do to make him behave in any way other than how he chose to. Her children get more time, more of everything than mine do.... the children have come to realize that on their own without any "help" from me.

My "light bulb moment" came when he and new wife took them on a mini weekend vacation with her kids who are older. Both of her kids were taking their bf and gf....I asked very nicely that my ex make sure the kids sleeping arrangements were away from where her children were sleeping with their bf and gf.... He told me he would... imagine my surprise when the girls got home and I found out not only was my then 13 yr old in an adjoining room to where her teen daughter and bf and 20 yr old son and gf were sharing a bed, but she was IN a room with new wife's neice and her brother who was sharing a bed with a girl he wasn't married to!!! My anger did nothing but fuel and ongoing fuss over the immorality of him, her and her kids..... I spoke at length with a friend who told me that there was nothing I could do about it (which was correct) and that I am NOT the one responsible for what he does when he is with them. She suggested that I discuss with them the way I feel about unmarried sex, especially between teens and young adults.... and not be shy about explaining why I feel that way. I told my ex exactly that.... that HE was the one responsible for whatever went on while the kids were there not me... and that HE would answer for it and be responsible for the consequences of it, not me... but that I would NOT act like or speak like I thought it was okay. Just doing that was a freeing experience for me..... When you let go of needing to have that control and accept that he is the one responsible... you will also find you can let go of covering for him which is also NOT your responsibility.

One of the many consequences of a marriage ending when there are children involved is that each parent gives up the right to control when the child(ren) are with the other parent regardless of whether or not you "want" the divorce. Just one of the many things that make life harder when you are divorced.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:55pm
If you haven't finalized any paperwork yet, you can always try to get something put in about no overnights. I never thought that my XH would do half the things he's done.... you just can't trust that people will act consistently.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:13pm

aha_terri-

This is really spooky. We could be twins. It is JUST as you just wrote. He has already introduced her to the 8 year old. (He wasn't given a choice). My 21 year old daughter refuses to meet her, and the 18 year old (DS) is off at college and has been told by his dad that he has met someone he might start dating. (Oh my gosh, they are already planning on getting married in December!) At this point, why lie? Because he doesn't want his son to "hate" him. Like he is not going to figure out something just doesn't add up.

They were also co-workers who broke up 2 families. Eerie isn't it. Where do these people get off? I just want to scream sometimes!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and I found out from my 8 year old today that they are planning a trip in November with the 4 of them. (STBX, OW, DS, and OW's DS). Ouch. That one hurt! Like I said, our divorce isn't even final yet. I feel like dragging my feet on it just to piss them off!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 1:41am

I'm in the exact same position. STBX informed me that he plans to send my 3 children to Florida to stay with he and his girlfriend over Christmas vacation. This is the man I've been married to for 19 years. We won't be divorced until January. He was a pastor when we got married. Our children go to private Christian school. Unmarried sex has not ever been acceptable in our home. It's not what we did and it's not what we have encouraged our children to do in their lives.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 10:14am

How old is your child. I know this is hard. It was for me too. Ex didnt move in with the ow thank god, I dont know HOW I would have handled that, but he is living with his gf now and at times they come to pick up ds. She stays in the car. Unfortunately he is right about HIS visits and you having no control over what he does. Just as he has NO control over what you do with your time. It drives me crazy sometimes, not knowing what's going on when my son is with him. But I keep telling myself he's his father and will keep him safe, and I just dont allow myself to think about the visits (as the three of them being together), just focus that your child loves their dad and vice versa. By him knowing that your furious, he will push the issue. Try not to let him know he gets under your skin. Alot easier said than do believe me I know. My ex still gets to me at times. It's been over 2 years so once there are children involved we are stuck lol.

How long has it been over with you guys?

Just think of when you find that special someone in your life. You are gonna want him around your child and you wont care what ex has to say. I keep telling myself that too. Hope this helps.

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