STBX showed up at my door yesterday...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
STBX showed up at my door yesterday...
2
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 3:15pm

The last time I was online chatting with him was on Friday or Saturday night, when I was trying to get him to take a little bit of time to talk to me about the last two lingering issues we need to resolve before we move to actually filing for divorce. He told me he didn't have any time to talk to me until Thursday, so I was waiting for Thursday. Wednesday night I chatted with him briefly to try to set a time for us to talk because I wanted to take the boys to the beach but didn't want to miss the chance to talk with him. He acted all snippy and told me just to call and "see if he's available". OK....

This was around midnight. Then around 7:30 I hear the doorbell and he's standing on my front porch. It's about a 3 1/2 drive to get here. I didn't know what to think. I was still half asleep so he took the kids out to breakfast and then my sister watched the boys so we could go out and talk. The conversation didn't start off well. I had wanted to talk to him to find out if he was willing to consider trying to work on our issues and save the marriage. The first thing he said is given my behavior over the past six months it's far too late for that. I just stared at him, completely speechless, which is pretty unusual for me. He then goes on to say that the only thing he had asked for way back when was some space to figure out what he wanted, and that what he wanted was for us to live near each other so we could continue the relationship but he would have his own home. I remember telling him back then that if he felt he needed to live apart from us that was one thing but I couldn't bear for him to come play at being married whenever he felt like it and then walk out the door when he felt like being done. I also told him that he didn't have to leave for me to be able to give him some space to think about things, which led to us living as roommates for several months. I managed to drag him to counseling a few times but he refused to actually participate so I gave up.

He went on to explain that what I saw as backing away to give him some space translated for him into me "being cold and distant", "refusing to show even the slightest bit of affection", making it "obvious I wanted nothing more to do with him", and "making it clear to him that our marriage was completely unsalvageable." Apparently he managed to forget all the times I tried to talk to him about trying to work things out and he got furious because "I just didn't understand that he needed to have some time away from me before he could even begin to think about what he wanted." He finished up by saying that my behavior forced him to come to terms with our marriage being over and he can't even imagine putting himself through that again.

It was the oddest thing for me because my usual reaction would be hurt and anger and tears and protests at how wrong he was. Instead, I found myself, incredibly, amused at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I just looked at him and said "None of that matters. It was a very difficult time and we both said and did things that hurt the other. Regardless, nothing has been done that can't be undone. The only thing we need to decide is if we have a future together and if so, what it would look like. Obviously the relationship we had wasn't working. I just wanted you to know that I still love you and I think that it's still possible to build a future together that would be good for both of us. If you don't think that's possible, I'm fine with moving on. In that case we only have a couple of things we need to iron out before we actually file for divorce." (not my exact words but pretty close - I'm actually pretty proud of myself lol!)

It was hilarious because he ended up being the one completely speechless. He just stared at me, like he was really seeing me for the first time in a long time. I realized then that every attempt at discussing our relationship over the past six months has ended abruptly with him yelling at me and me in tears. I guess he wasn't expecting me to react the way I did, so calm and matter of fact.

At that point we actually began to have a real conversation. It was kind of funny because for the first time he seemed uncertain of his decision and was actually apologetic at times. He still believes though that his only hope of ever feeling anything like happiness again is to be single and to be able to do whatever he feels like doing without worrying how it impacts me or the kids, to be able to date other women (I've known all along that was part of it but at least he finally admitted it), to feel like he can make his life whatever he wants. Basically, he desperately wants to be twenty again. I didn't criticize or put him down for it, even though I think it's awfully sad and selfish. It doesn't matter what I think, anyway...it won't change what he feels or believes. He actually hinted at us separating rather than divorcing and letting him get it all out of his system while still having the option of getting back together later on. I just can't do that. It won't work for me. So we ended the conversation with the agreement to divorce as soon as we get a couple of issues taken care of that need to be done first.

We spent a really nice afternoon together with the kids after that. It's a huge relief to me to have our future relationship clearly defined. I feel much more friendly towards him now that I've completely given up on him lol...

So that's my update...off to take the kids to the lake! :)

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Fri, 08-15-2008 - 5:25pm

I'm glad you guys reached some agreement. The limbo stuff stinks. I think you hit the nail on the head (at least for me) when you said, "It's a huge relief to me to have our future relationship clearly defined. I feel much more friendly towards him now that I've completely given up on him lol..."


I wish I could just have things ironed out, a visitation schedule we both abide determined, and him acting like a father at least (since I know he'll never be a husbang or MY husband again). It's just exhausting to be at

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 08-16-2008 - 7:37am

My,


Well good for you for being so calm and straight forward! :) I'm proud of you!


Isn't it nice when you can short-circuit the power games? (And that's all it was for him before: if he could yell and then leave you in tears he got "his way" although it never solved anything.)


I'll also tell you that his "idea" of letting him "get it out of his system" is simply a ploy to keep you on the string so he has a place to go home to after he's done playing.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020