STBX wants to introduce girlfriend !
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| Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:41am |
My soon to be ex (seperated 6 months now) wants to introduce our 8 yr old son to his new girlfriend. He has only been seeing her for like a month. I feel it is waaaayyyy too soon for that! Am I wrong? We only split up the household and moved into different apartments 2 months ago, so in my son's mind it has probably only been 2 months since mom and dad split. My ex has no concept of how this could negatively affect our son. I suggested waiting a few more months but he balked at that idea! How do I handle this? Do I just let him introduce her and just pick up the pieces afterwords? My ex has already ditched my son in favor of dates with her a few times. I feel if he introduces her to my son she will be around all the time and my son will be neglected or ignored. This is all so hard! What should I do?

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I have read a lot of articles about how you should go about introducing a new girlfriend. I have read that you should know that its going to be a long term relationship before introducing your child to your new significant other and letting them get attached to that person and then you break up and your child is devastated again. My stbx also has ditched doctor's appointments and other things to be with his new "loves". I have kept track of all of these incidents for my lawyers. I would just keep talking to your child and also maybe look at going to a counselor for your child if it helps. Take care....
This is one of those times where you have to sit back and let him do what he's going to do. My ex did the same thing within a week of us telling the kids about the divorce and then moving out. I, like you, was furious, but it does nothing. It's sad, frustrating, infuriating, etc, but you can't stop it.
If your STBX chooses to have the gf around all the time like mine does, then that's on him. That's something he'll have to answer to when your son is older and asks questions.
My ex's gf being around my kids has been the hardest part of my divorce. I've spent the better part of this last year being a mess over it. What I have found is the only way to deal with it and not go crazy is to simply let go. We cannot control what they do or who they have our kids around.
Good luck to you. I know how hard this part is.
all i can say is to be glad you only have one kid & not more...ultimately you have no control over your ex's decisions & the sooner you accept that & just do the best you can, the better off & more sane you will be...focus on yourself & what you need to do for you & your son & don't let you ex's stupidity frazzle you...of course most responsible adults would give a child the time to adjust to the new circumstances w/out throwing another one in the mix...i personally would say you shouldn't introduce children until you know the other really well which would take at least 6mos to a year...depending on how often you have the child etc., would determine whether this would be a realistic time slot or whether it would happen earlier...but i would say definitely no sooner than 3 mos. or less...but considering that you just split up, i would say his father is not handling the situation well at all...but be aware that most men don't & it's not uncommon for this to happen, unfortunately...i don't know why it's usually up to the women to be mature about things & set a good example & i hate the truth in it, but i know that i can't be responsible for another human...why did we have to choose another human to marry or procreate w/, i have no clue...lol!!! anyways, good luck w/your situation...don't stress or worry, he's gonna do what he wants & 9 x's out 10, you're not going to like it...but when your child gets older, he will be able to understand & process things better & hopefully come to the conclusion that his dad may have somewhat been irresponsible etc., but he won't be...
Laurel :)
Edited 1/4/2007 1:17 pm ET by ivill_laurel
If your child bonds with his new GF and then they split, it would be painful and complicated for the child. Your ex should have his kid's best intersts in mind and wait until he has been with his new GF for longer than a month. He might think this is "it" and he has found the one, but it is still too soon for the child's welfare. Divorce is already complicated enough on children without the added complexities of parents dating again. I know you know this but I'm just stating it as if I were telling your exH.
I don't know what your dynamic is right now with your ex, but even if there is hostility, there must be a way to present it so that he knows this is not about you and your M or even him and his new GF, but about the well-being of your child and his emotional healht and future.
Good luck and keep us posted!
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