STBX wants to introduce girlfriend !

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
STBX wants to introduce girlfriend !
22
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:41am

My soon to be ex (seperated 6 months now) wants to introduce our 8 yr old son to his new girlfriend. He has only been seeing her for like a month. I feel it is waaaayyyy too soon for that! Am I wrong? We only split up the household and moved into different apartments 2 months ago, so in my son's mind it has probably only been 2 months since mom and dad split. My ex has no concept of how this could negatively affect our son. I suggested waiting a few more months but he balked at that idea! How do I handle this? Do I just let him introduce her and just pick up the pieces afterwords? My ex has already ditched my son in favor of dates with her a few times. I feel if he introduces her to my son she will be around all the time and my son will be neglected or ignored. This is all so hard! What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:10am
I agree with you that it is WAY too early to introduce anyone new yet. At this age, kids are extremely vulnerable and confused. There are so many issues that need to be dealt with before he meets anyone. They need a lot of extra patience and love through this difficult time. My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and my dd (8) still feels as though it was somehow her fault. It's a very difficult time for everyone--especially children. May I suggest asking his counselor at school. They can be a wealth of knowledge at difficult times. In addition to helping you through some of the tougher discussions ahead, they will also be willing to talk to him. They will also keep a watchful eye on him to make sure he continues doing okay, both in class and in social environments (ie the playground). He will need a trusted adult outside of the immediate situation with whom he feels comfortable enough to open up. Best wishes and uplifted prayers for both yourself and your son. I hope everything works out for you. Stay strong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:31pm
I am glad to know that I am not the only one in this position either. My husband and I split over two years ago and has done the same thing to me multiple times. After he moved out, he was living with another woman and her three boys. I was literally sick. He is in the military and about a year ago he left and did a eight month tour in Iraq. In this time period he brokw up with the woman he moved in with and began dating someone else online. The funny part is when I took our five year old daughter to the airport to meet him---he had his new girlfriend there waiting for him as well. He had planned on moving in with her when he got back, so much so that she had a made a bedroom for our daughter whom she had never met!!! Then after about four weeks of that woman he moved on to another who is now living with him after eight weeks of seeing each other. It makes me so mad. I have asked him to use more discretion when around our daughter because our daughter has had a hard time adjusting to the whole situation.
I have read a lot of articles about how you should go about introducing a new girlfriend. I have read that you should know that its going to be a long term relationship before introducing your child to your new significant other and letting them get attached to that person and then you break up and your child is devastated again. My stbx also has ditched doctor's appointments and other things to be with his new "loves". I have kept track of all of these incidents for my lawyers. I would just keep talking to your child and also maybe look at going to a counselor for your child if it helps. Take care....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:41pm

This is one of those times where you have to sit back and let him do what he's going to do. My ex did the same thing within a week of us telling the kids about the divorce and then moving out. I, like you, was furious, but it does nothing. It's sad, frustrating, infuriating, etc, but you can't stop it.

If your STBX chooses to have the gf around all the time like mine does, then that's on him. That's something he'll have to answer to when your son is older and asks questions.

My ex's gf being around my kids has been the hardest part of my divorce. I've spent the better part of this last year being a mess over it. What I have found is the only way to deal with it and not go crazy is to simply let go. We cannot control what they do or who they have our kids around.

Good luck to you. I know how hard this part is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:00pm
Thank you for your replies. It feels somewhat better to know I'm not the only one to go through this. I just can't believe how selfish he is. Our son has started seeing a counselor. My ex will agree with me that our son comes first and he is the most important thing, then he goes and does this! How can these men be so ignorant? I know I should just learn to be stronger and accept that my ex is a moron and that I will never be able to change that unfortunately. Hopefully this won't scar my dear son for life and he can still have a chance to grow up NOT like his father! I hope this girlfriend is a good person....but yet I have to wonder if she is equally as clueless if she too thinks it's a good idea to meet him so soon! I sometimes wonder if I should have put up with my husbands lies, infidelity and lack of respect for me to save my poor son from this mess! I know I deserve better in a relationship, but I just hope this divorce doesn't mess my son up for life! Why do us moms have to burden all this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:01pm

all i can say is to be glad you only have one kid & not more...ultimately you have no control over your ex's decisions & the sooner you accept that & just do the best you can, the better off & more sane you will be...focus on yourself & what you need to do for you & your son & don't let you ex's stupidity frazzle you...of course most responsible adults would give a child the time to adjust to the new circumstances w/out throwing another one in the mix...i personally would say you shouldn't introduce children until you know the other really well which would take at least 6mos to a year...depending on how often you have the child etc., would determine whether this would be a realistic time slot or whether it would happen earlier...but i would say definitely no sooner than 3 mos. or less...but considering that you just split up, i would say his father is not handling the situation well at all...but be aware that most men don't & it's not uncommon for this to happen, unfortunately...i don't know why it's usually up to the women to be mature about things & set a good example & i hate the truth in it, but i know that i can't be responsible for another human...why did we have to choose another human to marry or procreate w/, i have no clue...lol!!! anyways, good luck w/your situation...don't stress or worry, he's gonna do what he wants & 9 x's out 10, you're not going to like it...but when your child gets older, he will be able to understand & process things better & hopefully come to the conclusion that his dad may have somewhat been irresponsible etc., but he won't be...

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:04pm
totally agree & kudos to your for embracing this knowledge rather than rejecting it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:15pm
i totally sympathize w/you & feel your stress & dispair...i have to let you know that you are definitely not alone...but the fact is, you've gotta let go of the burden...i have been on both ends of the coin...at one point feeling like marriage was never really that important & then on the other when i felt like it was everything in order to help support myself, children (after having twins) etc. ultimately what i have came to believe is that it is only your part that you have any control over & divorce is not the end of the world...i think that our society places such a heavy title to it, and sure...in a fairytale world all children would like to see their parents together, but the key to this is HAPPILY...and this is not a fairytale world & i think the more people try to "shelter" their kids from the real world, the more injustice they can cause them...i'm not saying to throw your child off a cliff & tell them to fly, lol, or be simply irresponsible w/choices that will affect them like what your husband seems to be doing...but doses of life are going to happen, and it is our job as parents to teach them how to understand, learn from & deal w/it in constructive, positive way...and honestly, thru crisis situations, i truly believe that the best medicine is to find the humor in it & laugh...i know this is totally on the other side for you, but you will see, it'll all be fine & in the end, i'm sure you will help to produce a compassionate & loving son from it...


Edited 1/4/2007 1:17 pm ET by ivill_laurel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:32pm
I agree that you can't shelter your kids from everything. My son is just so sensitive though. He has ADD and struggles with school and making friends in general and is immature for his age. Little things tend to throw him into a tizzy. I guess there is not much I can do about it except be there for my son. I do need to learn how to not let things get to me so much...it saps my strength and I worry constantly about my son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:10pm
In all honesty, there is not much you can do. My ex's door is a revolving door for women. His longest relationship has been 3 months. My kids have met every one of them. It is confusing. I just try to talk to them and keep the lines of communication open.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 6:15pm

If your child bonds with his new GF and then they split, it would be painful and complicated for the child. Your ex should have his kid's best intersts in mind and wait until he has been with his new GF for longer than a month. He might think this is "it" and he has found the one, but it is still too soon for the child's welfare. Divorce is already complicated enough on children without the added complexities of parents dating again. I know you know this but I'm just stating it as if I were telling your exH.
I don't know what your dynamic is right now with your ex, but even if there is hostility, there must be a way to present it so that he knows this is not about you and your M or even him and his new GF, but about the well-being of your child and his emotional healht and future.

Good luck and keep us posted!


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


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