STBX wants to introduce girlfriend !
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| Thu, 01-04-2007 - 10:41am |
My soon to be ex (seperated 6 months now) wants to introduce our 8 yr old son to his new girlfriend. He has only been seeing her for like a month. I feel it is waaaayyyy too soon for that! Am I wrong? We only split up the household and moved into different apartments 2 months ago, so in my son's mind it has probably only been 2 months since mom and dad split. My ex has no concept of how this could negatively affect our son. I suggested waiting a few more months but he balked at that idea! How do I handle this? Do I just let him introduce her and just pick up the pieces afterwords? My ex has already ditched my son in favor of dates with her a few times. I feel if he introduces her to my son she will be around all the time and my son will be neglected or ignored. This is all so hard! What should I do?

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Wow! And I thought I had married the only moron out there! My STBX moved in with the OW after having an affair with her for over a year (they were 3000 miles away and it was easy to hide.) Just found out today that our paperwork has not started the time clock yet because the complex laws involving the two states and his active duty military status, etc.
My child wanted so badly to see her father and she hadn't seen him in over a year. She went to "their house" where he not only is living with the OW but also with her two sons. I thought it was a terrible mistake for him to introduce the OW not having seen his child in over a year. She already thought of him as a stranger. But he blew off the three articles by child psychologists who said it was not a good idea. He blew off my pleas not to bring her to the airport when I escorted her clear across the country. He did not even abide by any of the stipulations in the agreement while she was there.
Now, my DD (10) wants to live with her father because the OW does not work and she could go home after school rather than daycare, and she wouldn't have as many rules, etc. It breaks my heart that she has said this to me; however, he has been emotionally distant for a great deal of time from DD and only took an interest when the OW wanted to have his child near her.
Yes, it makes me very angry that they have done this...but no one else really gives a darn. These two individuals have taught three children that honoring commitments and marriage vows have no consequences except to the injured spouses. Society at large tells injured spouses who's lives have been turned upside down and destroyed that they are better off and to "move on." However, society at large also suffers grave consequences when the norms and mores have been so drastically changed. Anyone else feel this way or I am the lone wolf?
I'm with you there. I'm going through the same situation, except that my ex married the ow and now has 2 kids by her. My dd is 8. The state I live in (MO) will listen to a child (under 14), but will not really seriously consider his/her desired place of residence unless their needs are not properly being met in the current situation. (This coming from my atty). With his given track record of not being there for your dd, you shouldn't need to worry about it too much. However, I would document EVERYTHING for any future court dealings!!! My atty also said that it is completely normal for kids to change their minds about which parent they would rather live with ("grass is greener" scenario). It is still heart breaking. What I did with my dd was to have her sit down and list the reasons she wanted to go live with her dad. Then have her list the good things about the change and the "bad" things about the change--ie new school, new friends, etc. Seeing it down on paper may change her mind pretty quickly--it did with my dd. I wish you all the luck. Stay strong and keep us posted.
Becka
This exact situation was one that angered me but also surprised me. I honestly never thought my ex would have behaved the way he did when he first moved out. I swear it was him reverting back to being a teenager thinking with "Mr. Winky" LOL
I'm glad you're finding some comfort in all of us who have said we've been there done that. And hopefully you'll do better at controlling your anger than I did at the beginning. If you give in to your anger and scream at him the only thing it will do is make you look like the crazy raging ex. My ex and his gf were (and still are) so clueless about what's appropriate. At the beginning when he left she had the nerve to come visit him during the day when he was at my house watching the kids. I was furious and told them to knock it the hell off. They refused so I threatened a restraining order if she continued. They stopped, but still didn't get why it was so bad for her to come to MY house and visit ex while he was watching the kids. Ridiculous.
I am so disgusted when a parent goes to these strong of steps to lure a child away from the other parent. At my sons wedding I met a man.........a friend of his dads family that pulled me aside and told me Shane had often confided in him the pain of being away from his mother while he was growing up.
My son also told me when he was about 28 that his stepmother pinched him all the time while he was growing up , daily for punishment. How disgusting. She is dead or I would certainly have laid into her. They acted like THEY were the good normal family and I was low life .......
Hi everyone!
I thought that if they are not officially divorced yet, that spouses could not introduce new BF/GF to children because that could affect custody issues?
I know that in my case, my "ex" does not want me to introduce my kids to my new bf until after the divorce is final. I have every intention of waiting, but he said that if I did during our 6-month waiting period for divorce that he would try to get full custody of our 2 children.
Small update: I spoke with my sons couneslor last night and she agreed with me that it is WAAYYY too early to introduce a 3rd party to my son. She said wait at least 6 months. Now I have the unfortunate pleasure to pass this along to my husband and try again to get him to see that it would be bad for my son.
On custody issue, that isn't really in dispute(at the moment). My husband has pretty much always worked 2nd shift and has never really been a caretaker. I am of course documenting EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in case he ever gets it in his silly head that he would make a better primary custodian.
I'll give an update after I have the dreaded conversation with my husband!
Good for you that you were able to speak to your son's counselor. Unfortunately, my STBX lives 3000 miles away and our daughter was crying often because she missed her dad so much. THAT was the ONLY reason that I allowed her to visit them in their home. However, now, I really wish that I had not!!
Good luck to you and keep us posted on what is going on!!
I'm sorry but that made me LOL when I read it. You dodged a bullet and I'm glad for you. :-)
Now if only the rest of us should be so lucky! Well, except for the part where he tries to get together...
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