STBX Won't See the Kids
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| Wed, 08-10-2005 - 10:57am |
I filed for child support two weeks ago and told STBX that the papers would be served on him soon. Well yesterday my son's camp called me at work to tell me that he wasn't doing well, but that he could stay until the end of the day. I called STBX to alert him, and he volunteered to pick DS up early and keep him until I got home. An hour later, STBX calls to tell me that he has DS, that he received the child support petition, and that he was not going to take the kids again until our court date on September 1st. He then tells me that he is going to drop DS off at my mother's house at 2:00pm. When I tell him that he can't do that without asking her first (she's already babysitting my 3-year-old), he tells me that he's bringing DS to my job. I told him that he cannot just drop my son off because he's mad at me. I also told him that he will have to be the one to explain to the kids why he will not see them for the next three weeks even though he only lives two blocks away.
Ordinarily I would be really mad over something like this, but for some reason I have stayed very calm. I'm not surprised that he would try to use the kids as pawns, but why doesn't he understand that he's not hurting me by doing this - he's hurting the kids, and himself. They usually stay with him on Thursdays and Sundays, so they're going to wonder why they're with me all week and not going to their dad. And all of this because he doesn't want to pay the legal child support amount. He thinks that we can just negotiate what he's supposed to pay and never put anything in writing. He doesn't even want a divorce, but we've lived totally separate lives for over two years now and he's never once said that he wants the marriage to work. Although I don't want to stoop to his level, I know that I'm going to be in for a fight with him when we get to court and I'm ready. Once the child support order is issued, I can file for divorce and move on with my life.

I can relate!
My Ex feels he shouldnt have to pay child support and in fact has never paid! His drivers license was suspended June 6th becuase hes so damn stubborn! Now he CANT see the kids as I wont allow it.
From what I have learned in talking to women who get sole custody or primary custody and the ex husband is required to pay child support. They view it as thats money we women are out getting manicures and pedicures on. That they dont feel we deserve that money even though we are paying for everything else. They also feel they can just close the door on their past life and start up a new one with no contribution in anyway to the children. Its very common for men to do this and very sad unfortunatly.
You do have a fight on your hands but then again...the law is in your favor. ITs the EX and his selfish childish behaviour you will have to put up with and learn ways to not allow to get to you!
Everyone says pat myself on the back for being a good mom, and be thankful for the extra time with my kids...I do TRY to think of it that way but its not always that easy.
Goodness, its so hard to believe how similar all of the ex's are with the child support and throwing tantrums saying they dont want to see the kids. Like one of the other posters said, they think they are hurting "us" but they are really hurting themselves and the kids. At first it used to hurt me BAD, but then I realized hey he's a jerk and is missing out on a great baby. I have become so grateful for the "extra time" I have with my son. We have our own little routines and it's wonderful. Yes it does get hard sometimes but I know he knows he can and will ALWAYS be able to count on MOMMY. And I do have to say I am glad right now he's not around my ex's girlfriend whose 21 and the mother of his twins that he cheated on me with. She was a real b!#^h.
Hang in there girl. We are all here together.
>>>From what I have learned in talking to women who get sole custody or primary custody and the ex husband is required to pay child support.<<<
Just in slight defense of men for a moment (not all men and not specifically your ex or the OP's ex), men are not usually given any other option. They can't pick joint physical custody unless the mother gratiously permits that. The father usually doesn't have the same rights as a parent, yet he has the same financial obligations, which IMHO is unfair. I totally understand there are plenty of men out there that don't want joint custody, they want their cake and to eat it too, but it is hard when you are limited to parenting a few days a week and your real value as a parent is reduced to dollar signs.
My ex doesn't have a child support obligation and he is no less of a parent because of it. If he had to pay (if I had asked for sole physical custody) he would have been financially devastated and would have always been delinquent, and he would have rightfully been complaining about having to pay it.
We do both contribute. We both have a home for her to stay in when she's with each of us, she has a room in each place, we provide breakfast, lunch, dinner, transportation, entertainment and whatever else she needs when we have her (plus lots of love). I pay him child support, and I pay the majority of external expenses (daycare, YMCA membership, most but not all clothes), but that doesn't mean I'm the only one contributing financially to her welfare.
However, if I had sole physical and he only had every other weekend, the state would say he has a financial obligation to me. That doesn't make it fair, and it doesn't make it right. It's one thing if he had no interest in raising his dd, he would still have to contribute financially to me if I was the only one raising her. But he does get to participate in raising her because I *let* him, and I don't really think it should be up to me to let him or not let him. I think under the law he should have the same rights as I do, financial and otherwise.
I agree wholeheartedly. He is terrible! Using the kids like that...
The way you are handeling this is admirable......
Wow....
Hugs and good luck with everything :)
Angelena
>>They can't pick joint physical custody unless the mother gratiously permits that. The father usually doesn't have the same rights as a parent<<
I've talked to several lawyers (in trying to find one I can afford) and they have all told me that getting sole custody is VERY difficult as you must prove that the father is an unfit parent, and that's almost unheard of. Now, there are various forms of joint custody, I take it that you and your ex do a 50/50 split as far