step2little......
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step2little......
| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:30pm |
Hi, I know we may have got off to a rocky start but I would appreciate your input since you have 1st hand knowledge of the court system. I have just come back from the ER with my son this morning. He has a minor infection of one of his eyes from all the scratching. This is the second week since the visits began that Ive had to take the baby to see a doctor. The issue is serious now. I have a court appointed lawyer who is of no help to me at all. She is downright insulting. Telling me that my case is a normal visitation situation. That couldnt be farther from the truth. The er dr. wants me to follow up with the baby's regular dr. on Saturday. Now I was willing to give him his make up visit this sat. He hasnt called to confirm yet however, his dr.'s appointment is for 10a.m. His visits are scheduled for lla.m I have no problem with keeping the visit. But Im trying to pick my battles here. What is the best way to present these issues before the court?

Great question!.... I hope that step has some ideas for you.
For Saturday's visit I would tell him that the pick up place is the doctor's office!... and invite him to come at 10 for the appointment.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Luv, Of course I will give you whatever advice I can.
1st off if you are using a court appointed attorney they are the bottom of the barrel. Usually they are very young, inexperienced and overwhelmed and overworked for very little pay. In general the entire family court system is overwhelmed due to all of the problems and fighting that go on. Your attorney has no vested interest in your case, you are not paying her so she could care less what happens, she has 400 other cases to deal with. This is blunt and to the point but it is what I have witnessed within the court system.
It sounds like your son is sick pretty regularly correct? Now removing all emotion and anger how do you truly think it is father's fault that he has an eye infection? Was today the 1st day you sought medical treatment for the minor infection? Would it have been less seriuos had you sought treatment earlier in the week? He had visitation on Saturday and it is now Thurs, is it possible he contracted the infection while in your care or at preschool? ( I am asking the questions that the other side is likely to pose) If the child is in daycare or around other children that is likely to be the cause of infections and illnesses.
Your attorney is correct you have a regular case. At this point child protective services is not charging dad with any crimes, there is no evidence that dad is abusing or malicously neglecting the child. Unfortunately an eye infection is not a serious enough offense to stop his visitation.
Does dad have an attorney? Maybe call your attorney back and let her know that child has a Dr's appt at 10am on Saturday and you need to change the make up time from 11am to noon. Could she contact ex's attorney to relay that because communication has been so hostile. If she refuses ask her what you need to do to not be in contempt but to also be able to provide medical treatment to your son.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Okay I hear you on the infection could have occured from either end. All I want is to have a peaceful exchange, deal with issues relating to the baby as they come up, keep him informed if he will have a visit and just have communication when necessary. However, the serious itching has begun since his last two visits with his dad. His dad has carpet in his apt and isnt supposed to take the baby there. Its winter, he has a 7hr visit I find it hard to believe he's keeping him at a mall for say 6hrs (allowing at least 1hr travel to and from). I mean do they really think there are many outdoor places to take a three yr old in the winter.
Look deep down I pray he wont cause serious harm to the baby to get at me (things do happen) but its the what the courts will consider "petty things" he is doing that do affect the situation in a very negative way. The cursing me out, ranting and raving, the lies, not wanting to talk one minute then wanting to talk the next. It's very unsettling. The mere refusal to communicate knowing this is a sick child were dealing with. I dont want to fight. For as much as a judge can put in an order for him to have visitation shouldnt they also be concerned if there is a refusal of communication from one party when it could cause harm to the child.
I have another question for you, Im sorry.
But with the issue of when its appropiate to cancel a visit. As I said the order states that a visit may be cancelled by the party having custody if there is a substantial medical reason pertaining to the child. I told the lawyer about my cancelling the visit and she said next time get a dr's note. Explained to her it was sunday and his dr. wasnt in and I had tried calling her to find out prior to doing it if I needed to take him to the hospital and get a note to cover myself.
I got no return phone call from her or the baby's lawyer. Now this woman is saying it's clear that it means I had to take him to the hospital. He was throwing up, had a low grade fever of 101 and I had had him at the dr. the week prior and knew how to treat it. I did call her on tuesday to inform her of the issue. How can I present my defense if my ex tries to make that an issue?
If they try to make an issue of it play dumb. Say that the order was poorly written (because it was) and you did not fully understand it at the time. Get it in writing what has to occur in order to cancel the visitation. When I read that you had canceled I thought the exact same thing, I thought did she take the child to the hospital, did she take the child to the Dr first thing Monday morning? Those who work in the legal field always look for the loop holes. Your lawyer works in front of these judges everyday and this type of an order may be very common. She may know that this judge always means that a significant medical event means hospitalization.
I like Wild's idea of inviting dad to go to the Dr's appt. If he goes do not attempt to talk to him, do not attempt to have the Dr tell him how to do anything, remain silent and neutral and let the Dr do all the talking. Any written instructions ask that 2 copies be made so that dad can take a set too. If dad has never met the Dr introduce him as X's dad, give him that title it will mean a lot to him even if he does not show it. Let him hold the child during the appt if he wants, just let him play a big role and it may soothe his ruffled feathers a bit. He probably feels powerless and insginificant in his sons life and blames you for that. He only sees his son 28 hours a month, that is soooo little time, whatever you can do to make him feel more important will go miles in helping to diffuse the situation.
Luv so much of co parenting is biting your tongue and taking the high road. Assume that he loves the boy and will make good decisions for him. Encourage him, even silently, to love his son and participate in his care and life. He may come with his girlfriend, act just the same, if she wants to go in the room let her. Then you have 2 people getting the information instead of just one.
This is all soooooo, soooooo hard to do. When I 1st met DH he was so angry at his ex, he hated her and her family and her new husband. I told him early on that I was not interested in 16 years of anger and hate and, that if he wanted, I would help him find a way to be at peace with her but that I would not encourage him to hate her. He wanted us to work so he started to change his way of thinking about her and it really helped.
I thank you sooooo much. Your right it is very hard. Ive pretty much made peace with the whole idea of the gf being involved in my son's life. In the beginning it cut like a knife at the mere thought of her being around the baby. In that area Ive grown a great deal. So I will be prepared that if he shows she will be there and he will probably even want her in the room b/c he wants to dig his claws into me. I will allow this if he wants it. Girl I will have a ton of tongue biting to do. My goodness.
I have thought that it must be extremely hard for him not seeing him on a regular basis. I cant even imagine that. However, I did offer time during the week, he didnt want it. Said he didnt have the time he's in school.
Now if he starts in again with the verbal abuse what is your suggestion for handling it best. And the allergy issues which seemed to have increased with the baby's health since the visits began. How can I address that in the most effective way.
I thank you for your input.
Ask the Dr what he feels is causing the increase in allergies. It is very likely it could just be coincidental or weather related etc. I can't even pinpoint why my allergies flair up some days and not others. Maybe the Dr can adjust meds to compensate for any changes that he may be going thru. You are probably going to fight this with each new enviroment he is exposed to regardless. Poor kid.......
If you are in a Dr's office it would be really stupid for him to begin screaming and yelling, he could I guess but I doubt he will. Once the appt is over let him take the child, remain in the office until they are gone, go to the bathroom or set up next appointment etc. Do not follow him into the parking lot, keep it in a neutral place. Do not bring up the car seat issue, assume he knows what he is doing. If he tells you that he does not have one smile and say "I know that you love X, have a nice visit" If the appointment ends after noon, like say 12:15, give him until 7:15 with the baby. If it ends at 11:30 or 11:45 give him until 7:00pm. It is only a few minutes but it can create huge amounts of resentment. Thank him and her for coming, hard to do I know.
A lot of this is about control on both your parts. You are the primary caregiver and you fear what could or might happen, that is what mom's do. You want to feel that you have some control over what he does. He feels completely controlled by you and he wants to get some of the power back. Funny how territorial we can all become over children, I have felt it towards and about my step sons and they are not even mine.
I can remember really not liking the boys' grandma, my DH's ex mother in law. I thought she was catty and jealous and meddling, she still is in some ways. I also still feel that she stirred up a lot of the fighting between them and paid forn all of ex's legal fees allowing her to fight really stupid stuff. I was determined that she was going to like me, I fought hard to win her over. I wanted her to have no reason to paint me with the same brush she had painted DH. I encouraged the boys to call her and make her cards and would tell them, in front of her, how lucky they were that grandma loved them so much. It worked, she ignores my DH and he her but she is always gracious and nice to me.