Step2littleis...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Step2littleis...
8
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 3:00pm
With the report and the recommendation the FE made (re: I should have primary residential and legal custoday and ex have liberal visitation), as far as you know is it a sure thing that the judge rule in my favor or can there still be a chance the judge will go against what they say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:43pm

Nothing is ever a sure thing when you go to court BUT I think he will follow the recomendation of the FE. I would ask that the liberal visitation be spelled out though. What does "liberal" mean? Some would say it means 3 overnights a week others may see it as EOW. It needs to be spelled out nonetheless.

I would suggest that you guys have a very detailed parenting plan due to the level of hostility that exists. Have your attorney draw up a plan that spells out every holiday, school break, pick ups, drop offs etc. Get ready to concede to overnights, they are going to happen. As he gets older the time he spends with dad will increase, he may get up to 2 weeks in summer within the next year or so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 4:55pm

Whew, girl, I know it will increase. They did say that both parties needed to be very clear on how things would be. As for the overnights as much as that scares me to death I know it is something that Im going to have to deal with. However until he deals with the carpeting in his apt, that wont be happening just yet. He is still denying ds has a problem with carpeting. Even went as far to say he spoke to ds pediatrician and she told him she doesnt remember writing a note about the issues.

What he's trying to gain by doing this go figure. Will they jump right into overnights. Because of the issues I want a social worker to inspect the place to see that he has had the carpet removed, and has a bed for ds. It's a funny situation because he live in a studio or kitchenette and with the gf. There is no privacy. Can I do anything about that issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 5:54pm

You are in NYC area right? So kitchenette, studio type apartments are pretty common, probably not going to get too far with that one. His own bed maybe. My DH did not have a seperate bedroom or bed for his kids until he moved in with me prior to us getting married. I had a guestroom that we bought bunkbeds for and that became the kids bedroom.

The carpeting issue may be something, have you given your sons medical records to your attorney? If not call and order them, you may have to pay for them to be copied. Have your attorney enter them in as evidence of your sons allergy to carpeting, that should be the end of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 9:19am

Yeah, Im in NYC. Ex was supposed to have the carpeting pulled up within the first few months when he started this whole thing. needless to say it's been a year and he still hasnt. That point was mentioned in the report that he said he would have it removed and has not done so yet. I have signed releases for ds's lawyer to access to the records (school and medical) and I have dr's notes from both pediatrician and allergy dr. Had he had it removed way back this wouldnt still be an issue.

I am concerned about the studio/kitchenette thing. How can they be so "who cares" that a man living with his gf, sleeping in the same bed is appropiate to have a child stay overnight with them all in one room. Heck no, if so that I will fight.

What about when they are intimate, should my ds get some popcorn and watch.

You mentioned your DH didnt have a separate room or bed for his kids. Did he have overnight visits? if so where did the boys sleep? what about the intimacy issue? what state are you in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 2:46pm

My DH did not date very much before he and I met and I was the only girlfriend the boys were introduced to. He had them EOW and before we moved in together they stayed over here a couple of times and slept in the guest bedroom. I know some people think that is wrong but they were tiny and had no idea what was up they just thought they were having a sleepover and it was fun.

I can't answer the what if's and neither can you, most likely he will be discreet or work something out. He is not the only person living in those conditions and I am sure your son will manage to survive it. I truly do not think you are going to get very far with that argument but you can always try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 3:06pm

My ex gets EOW also. From a specified time though. Did your dh have OVERNGHTS with no place for the kids to sleep? When they stayed with you at least there was a guest bedroom.

With ex there is NO bedroom, not even a 1 bedroom. That is my point. There is NO PRIVACY at all. What's ex gonna say, he wont have sex with the gf. Or let me see, he'll wait to ds goes to sleep. That's bull. No matter the age no child should be exposed to that, that is adult and should be done in private totally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 6:05pm

Yep he had them for 3 nights EOW with no bedroom other than his own. They had a place to sleep it was curled up next to him.

The point is your ex probably won't be made to answer those questions just like you aren't required to detail all of your adult activities and where DS is at those moments. The courts are going to trust that he will make the right decision while his child is with him.

Does this have to do with the well being of DS or that ex is having sex with another woman?? Most girls would not be comfortable having sex with a child right there staring at them. Even if your ex doesn't see anything wrong with it she probably will. You are going to have to trust that he will do the right thing, if he doesn't deal with it then. You are making yourself way more anxiuos than you need to be by obsessing over what could or might happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 10:22am

Hey Step,

I have no interest in who ex sleeps with. I can happily FINALLY say that Im over that aspect of it. Him and I share a child. Otherwise I'd have not a thing to do with him at all. He still believes I want him and it's a joke. A year ago, yeah I thought I did, thank god I have woke up.

I hear what your saying about having to trust he will do the right thing. However, it's alot easier said than done. This is the same "father" who put his son down in the street and let go of his hand while he turned his head to go get ds bag from out of the back seat. DS started walking across the street. I had to scream at him to grab him. When I told him dont do that it very dangerous, what did I get? Oh, he's fine I dont have time for this. It is behavior like this of his that has me the way I am. I know I have to trust, but girl, he doesnt make it easy at all. The fact he's still denying ds issues with carpet. When he knows full well about his allergies. So how do you just shrug your shoulders and say "ah he'll be fine with his dad" when he's been careless and whenever I try to discusss anything with him relating to ds he refuses and goes against whatever I say.