Stepmom and second family
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Stepmom and second family
| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:13pm |
Hi everyone: I'm new to the discussion board and wanted to vent about some things. I've been married for 2 years to a wonderful man. We just recently had a baby girl and loving life. He also has an 8 year old from a previous marriage that ended about a year before we had met. I had accepted his son into my life before we got engaged. The problem is his former wife. She drives me absolutely crazy and has been putting my husband through hell for the past 10 years about child support money. We recently moved to another state when he got a promotion. (his son lives with his mom in another state) I was releived because no. 1, I was GLAD to get away from her. No 2., I always felt like she was using us to watch him all the time, though there was nothing I could do about it because I have no say. No. 3 I don't entirely agree with the way she raises him. She has manipulated her son against my husband; and this guy she recently married I feel is turning him into a little tough man becasue the guy she married is a Navy SEAL. This guy she married encourages our stepson to collect knives and weapons and has them in his room. He never uses them, but I feel it's pretty wierd. I feel that there is no consistency in their house and my poor stepson says things to us that his mom puts in his head. She also recently found out how much $$ my husband makes and is asking for more child support. It really scared me becasue we just had a baby and I know she has her son's interests in mind, but I don't really think she cares about my husband's second family now that we have had a baby. I got so furious at her actions that I threw out all the baby gifts that she got for my daughter. But recently my husband talked her out of the child support thing and has agreed to set up a college fund for his son.
I feel like I am always anxious around his son, although I love him to death. I don't know how I'm going to make it over the next couple of years with this mess. She has had my husband arrested, put in jail, and he's even lost a couple of jobs because of her. I've been friendly with her, but frankly due to recent events I just can't stand the woman. Her son has no idea what a manipulative freak she is. I hope he realizes when he is older what she has put us through. How will I survive?
I feel like I am always anxious around his son, although I love him to death. I don't know how I'm going to make it over the next couple of years with this mess. She has had my husband arrested, put in jail, and he's even lost a couple of jobs because of her. I've been friendly with her, but frankly due to recent events I just can't stand the woman. Her son has no idea what a manipulative freak she is. I hope he realizes when he is older what she has put us through. How will I survive?

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What she has put you through is unfortunate, but she is his mom and he will probably always love her because of that. What she put you through shouldn't affect him or turn him against her. As far as the child support thing, her asking for an increase when her ex got a raise is just her following the law. It might not be the best thing for you and the new baby, but there is nothing your husband can do about his legal obligation (which increases as his income increases). And in the end, it sounds like he was able to work out a reasonable compromise with her.
It sounds like your negative feelings toward her have affected your feelings for your step-son, as much as you don't want them too. Feeling like you were always watching her son for her is an attitude you have, and may not be the way she see's it (it is not the way I would see it). Who has the child when is a normal thing all parents work out, and it usually depends on what the parents have going on in their lives whether those paretns are together or not. The fact the parenting time was flexible only means that step-son's parents are good co-parents. How did your husband feel about the excess time with his son? Did he feel as if he was watching his son *for* his ex, or did he feel he was parenting (being there for) his son?
You ask how will you survive? I ask you what is the problem? You wanted your step-son around less and he is. You didn't want your husband to pay more child support and he is setting up a college fund for his son instead (something he would probably have to pay for anyway). What do you want to happen? Do you want the step-son out of your life completely? If so, that means getting your husband out of your life. Do you want is mom out of your life? If so, that means getting the step-son out of your life which means letting go of your marriage. Is your life (your marriage) worth the aggravation you feel from this situation?
I feel from reading your post you have a lot of pent up anger that you can't let go of. This is not something that anyone else (your husband, your step-son or his mom) can take care of. Your husbands ex can't make you feel bitter, anger or resentment unless you are willing to feel those things. Letting go of all that isn't easy, but it can be done. The best (fastest) way is to see a therapist about all this. Another option is to get some books at the library about step-parenting and co-parenting. One book I read recently is "Ex-etiquette" but I am sure there are others out there.
Welcome to the board..... I think that your husband needs to check back in with an attorney and see if child support needs to be re evaluated.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Wow, quite the situation you have here.
First off, welcome to the boards! We are glad to have you.
I do have to say that most of us on this board have a bit of a biased opinion when it comes to situations like this. It is hard to say that it is wrong for the x-spouse, non custodial parent to HAVE to pay for his child. Unfortunately, the child you have with him is coming into a situation that was already there. Karen ( wildlucky) is right that this new child will be factored into how much he will have to pay, but I am sure it will be the minimum of what the state allows. These things are set up so the child has the best future possible, regardless of whether the parents stay together or not. Him standing up and paying what is ordered, is admirable. It should NEVER be looked down upon by his current spouse ( you ). I do however understand that you are worried about your family. That is justifiable, by all means. BUT, that child ( the 8 year old )deserves the same standard of living as you do and both parents should be apart of that, financially or otherwise.
I think that the other poster was correct in saying that the financial strain and anger towards the ex-wife is creating issues with your feelings towards your step son. There has to be some closure on your end to assure that the step son will not suffer for your problems with the ex wife. Although I know how ex-wives can be ( ha ha ) I do think that we almost always do what is best for our children, and I will say again that your step son deserves the same standard of living as your child does. You should TRY to put aside any anger or resentment and move on... for the step-son's sake.
I think it is beyond important for all of us custodial parents to make the effort to keep things peaceful around the children. That includes "feelings" or thoughts..... sometimes actions or facial expressions speak louder than words..... and are also most damaging to THEM.
Just my 2 cents......
Good luck :)
Angelena
Hi Artsy! You are feeling some of the most natural feelings in the universe, however, I will have to agree with the others to some extent and then I will have to agree with you too.
The children in this matter are the most innocent parties in this dilemma. Your husband is an admirable man if he pays his child support and wants to save for college for his son too. Most of us will agree on this board, that our husbands (STBX or X's) have not and never will pay ANY child support at all. Therefore it is up to us to raise and support our children the best we can and we do without question.
You say that the mom tells her son bad things about your family. Consider this...could she possibly be jealous of you and your new baby? Have you been told "bad" things about her? Forgive me, but the reason I ask, is that my STBX and his children told me all kinds of bad things about their moms, and I believed them. It was too late when I finally took the time to meet and get to know these women, and now know what they, too, had gone through because of this man we all loved and married. (There were four of us total). Please don't blame the boy...he is only following suit.
Be kind and gentle and make him feel as though he is part of your family. A warning though. Be very careful about trying to be his "MOM" because some day it will back fire in your face. Let your husband do the disciplining when it comes to him. I had 4 step-kids (all but one are grown now) that will never acknowledge the fact that I was ever there let alone helped to support them in any way. I tried too hard and lost...it wasn't worth the heartache that I have now.
Take care of your family...YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!
Hugs!
Hi cl-butterfly:
Thanks for the good advice. I do have to say that I don't look down upon child support for my stepson. We do have the same standard of living as he does...nice house, cars, etc. My husband recently had to bust his butt to pay off his debts because of a nasty divorce from her. I know I didn't go into great detail, but he had some judgements against him that were traced back to her, ie, opening credit cards in his name, putting practically EVERYTHING in his name and never paid it off. Since we've been married, we've had to bust our butts to get his credit back. We just bought our first house, and this whole fiasco really put a spin on things. It's going to be hard for a while becasue since we live in another state, my stepson will be visiting and we'll be paying for his flights, which is fine, but things are really going to be tight. It's just not fair because she seems to be more finanacilly well off (now that she's married) and wanting even more $$$ from us. Family vacations just seem so far off now.
I know I feel guilty for what I'm feeling. So did yo say you had an ex as well? Maybe paying child support too?
I even told my husband, hey, why doens't he come live with us. It would be so much easier. He said that it can't happen because she would win in court, because the state sides with the mothers. Sorry if I came across wrong. I just get so frustrated sometimes.
Hi again,
Yes, I have an ex as well..... we were divorced officially 1/18/05. We have 2 children, ages 6 and 1 of which I have sole custody of. My ex left me for a 19 year old girl. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. He just turned 28 when he left and I was 27. He is still with this girl and had a good job. He lost his job 12/04 and has not worked since. I have gotten MAYBE 10 months worth of child support since he left. He gets visitation whenever he wants.... but chooses to take every other weekend and NO MORE. He lives 15 minutes away and still wants nothing more than every other weekend. I offer and I have even understood that he *can't* pay child support.......
I guess I have a harsh attitude towards child support because I think that far too often the "other spouse" whether it be step mom or step dad gets involved in the money aspects of a divorce/children. My X lives wonderfully..... his girlfriend owns rental property and they get to take vacations and buy "toys" while I take care of my kids and pay for everything they need... oh, and when he left me, I wasn't working I was an at home mom for over a year. So I have to start over. Working, financially, everything....... Now with no money from him, I struggle. I have to pay for daycare on my own for 2 kids and I also had another child in December by my now live in boyfriend. 100% my decision to have child number 3, but if he was working he would be able to hold up his end financially ( child support and daycare costs ) and I would be fine. I get angry a lot. Mostly at him, because I went from having a great life. Bills paid, loving, GREAT father to my son to being alone, poor, pregnant and sad. It's hard for single mom's, no matter what the ex situation is. We have to take care of everything on our own. And no it doesn't get easier if we have a significant other, because even though I know my boyfriend is there and I know he would help... I feel I should take care of MY kids on my own. I work EVERYDAY, I go to school to try to get a better future and yes even I am working to get my credit back to where it was.... but the harder I work and the less he does I get mad.
So please think twice about being upset with her. I was once in your shoes ( no kids were involved ) but my ex husband was married before and I know what it is like to deal with an ex wife and her financial mistakes and "leaving" the husband with a whole lot of "stuff"....... I know where you are coming from. I know it is frustrating.... but everything happens for a reason...... if he got his credit together, GREAT! probably something that might not have happened if he hadn't of met you! Things like that.....
Hey butterfly:
Ouch! You've been through a horrific deal. I admire you for raising your 3 beautiful kids on your own. Best of luck to you on getting what you want with your future.
I try not to get upset with my husbands ex wife, but with them back then it was the other way around. He was working long hours at his job, she was at home with the baby. Apparently they started having problems while he was working and soon thereafter his work sent him to South America for a couple of months. When he came back he found her in bed with a cop, in addition with the baby sleeping in the next room. You can pretty much guess it was downhill from there. He tried to get custody but it didn't work out. When we were living near them, which was a couple of months ago, she would pull some pretty heavy stuff on him. I was 8 months preganant when my husband gave me a call from the city jail. I freaked, and apparently he was pulled over while going to work for an old warrent for his arrest back in 2000. The city apprently forgot about it....something about her saying that he was faulted for "child abandonment" which was absolutely untrue. I had to go out in the middle of a busy street and get his car...fortunately a cop car was there staying near the car....my husband was let off, thank god, because it was an old file. So, in the end, I find it very hard for me to like this woman!!! But I deal with it as I usually do. I don't take it out on the stepson, as he's the innocent one. I've just always wished that he could live with us, because I'm tired of her BS.
My husband has always been there for his son as well as paying child support. I just have anxiety problems....hell, who wouldn't!!! (ha ha)
Keep up with what you're doing...you go girl!
artsy, I can understand your anger.
My husband has a child from his ex-girl friend and they are lucky because they both are cooperating. He paid for child support even when she was living with a boy friend who is her husband now. She never asked for anything more than what they have agreed 15-years ago neither. We were late on child support for a while because lay off happened one after another. But she even waited over a year for us to finally get back on track and start paying for child support again.
Problem is my husband’s mother. Actually it was his mother who got upset with him and told him to threat the ex-girl friend that he will report that she is living with a boy friend and he will not make any payment. Do you know what she said when he made a payment of couple thousand dollars to catch up on his child support? She literally got upset with him and said, "Why are you doing this? You could have given me that money!!!" and she was serious too. Needless to say, his mother believed in receiving child support from HER ex-husband, but called his son a fool for making back payments. She knows we are supposed to make back payments though...
I do feel your pain though artsy, but especially your step son. My husband was the son who realized his mother was the evil one and not his dad. He had to find out when he was close to his 30's that she is the one who was preventing him to have a better life with his daddy and was raised with lies that his father never wanted him or contacted him. His mother was so jealous, she abused him over and over. He grew up thinking nobody cared about him, when his father wanted him. Sometimes mother can ruin her own child. I have seen and heard the living one saying she hates her own son to the son's wife, who happens to be me. She says, “he looks just like his daddy” with so much hate in her voice.
Just remember your SS mother is just living her life. She has no obligation to any longer be concerned with what her ex husband can and cant afford...he is no longer her problem. She has no obligation to make sure he can support any babies he makes with other woman, that is his problem.
The Mother is just going along in life not meaning to cause you any harm. I can gurantee you that she does not dwell on you as much as you dwell on her. She can leaglly get a modification on her CS as often as a change in circumstances occure.
Maybe couceling would be good to help you get over these anxieties. If you dont let go of them they will affect your marriage and your baby.
Take care.
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