Stepparent Dilemma - Get Out or Stay?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 07-07-2007 - 2:54pm |
Hello out there. This is going to be very long, but I don't know how else to paint the picture. My H and I have been together for over five years, married for three and a half. He is 10+ years older than me and has four children from his first marriage, three of whom live with us part- or full-time.
Our biggest problem is a difference in our parenting attitudes that has left a huge rift between us. Financially, H is more lax and lenient, and I feel that sometimes we need to withhold the money when the kids aren't acting responsibly, particularly the two oldest. The entire time we've been together, we have argued about H always wanting to bail the boys out when they get in hot water financially, and we have never reached any resolution about how to handle these types of situations... and these situations recur frequently! Once again, we have found ourselves in a disagreement, and I have actually left the house for a few days to get away from it all to decide whether I want to try to salvage this relationship or walk away now.
To give you examples, his two oldest are 25 and 23. When I came along, both were still at home, and the oldest was almost 20. Stepson worked two jobs and made good money, but he was forced to, because H had cosigned for a sports car that stepson could no longer afford. This left us picking up the slack when he was short on insurance money, etc. The worst part of it was that stepson would blow a fair amount of money each week, eating out with friends, souping up his car, etc., and would then ask us for gas money or help with insurance, and H would always say yes, instead of making his son cut out some of his wasteful expenditures. From there it progressed over the years to both boys moving out when they couldn't afford to, and us paying a significant number of their bills each month. I maintained then that it would be cheaper for us to have them at home than to be supporting our household AND theirs, but H always wanted to help. Now I am not a total villain, because it was always my idea to buy them care packages of food and such to make sure they didn't go hungry, but I felt that if they wanted the freedom of playing adult in their own apartment, then they needed to learn the responsibility that this entails.
Eventually, oldest stepson ended up with a girlfriend who had a child from a previous relationship, but she has never held down a job in the three years or so they have been together, and we have had to help pay their bills many times. At one point, oldest stepson asked us to pay their water bill that was about three months behind, and when I told H that we would not do it, he adamantly told me that I would pay the bill or that he would give them several hundred dollars to get out of the hole. I was shocked, because my husband had never talked to me like that before, and it was then that I printed up divorce papers and thought long and hard about leaving. Two years ago, oldest stepson asked for money to get the wonderful sports car that he can't afford out of hock, and H asked what I thought about lending him almost $1,000 (three car payments and a utility bill). I was totally opposed and felt that if stepson could not afford the car, he needed to get rid of it, especially since we were having to pay his utilities every other month while too much money was being diverted to the car payment and insurance that he couldn't afford, AND girlfriend was not working or contributing financially. H insisted that he didn't want his son's credit ruined, so he basically forced me into agreeing to it, but my condition was that we were to be repaid immediately when stepson got his income tax money back. Two years later, and we have received $70 of our $1,000. Stepson has not asked for money much since then, but recently he ran into some medical issues that have hurt him financially - not his fault- but we once again lended him $700 for rent, and my condition was that it was to be paid back within two months, as he was expecting a check for short-term disability. They still owe us more than half of that, and in all this time, stepson could at least have been paying us $25/week to show good faith. My issue is that girlfriend still does not work, and I am not feeling indebted to help them out any longer, under ANY circumstances, until they have paid us in full and until she is showing some initiative. My feeling is that it is not our job to support them to play house. If they want to pretend to be adults, then they need to start acting like it.
What has led to me leaving this week is the straw that broke the camel's back. The 23 year old has developed a pattern of quitting jobs for one reason or another and then taking his time looking for the "ideal" job that will pay him the most money for the least effort. I believe this is the fourth time he has done this, the second time while living in our home. I told my husband the last time this happened that I would not deal with this again, that stepson would NOT be allowed to go unemployed while living in our house, and that I was tired of arguing about money issues relating to the boys' financial irresponsibility. Stepson had actually been living out on his own and moved back in three months ago, and he was employed at the time. Within two weeks, he quit his job, decided to move to another city, and then changed his mind within a week or so and decided to stay. I had no problem with that, as he is trying hard to figure out the best way to get through college after having already gone away once. What I do have a problem with is that he moved back in with the agreement to pay us $150/month rent, and in addition to his other bills, he has a loan for which my H cosigned, and we started getting the calls and letters as cosigners for stepson's nonpayment. After he had gone two weeks without really even looking for a job, I started to get agitated, and I reminded my husband that I said I would not condone this again in my home, since it is my home and my income too. After four weeks, I was just about furious and told my husband that we needed to give stepson one week to have a job, regardless of whether it was at a fast food joint or Walmart. My H kept saying something to his son daily about getting a job, but he is not harsh enough, and I don't believe the kids take him seriously most of the time. At five weeks, I told my H to give stepson an ultimatum to have a job by the end of the next week or to go live with his mother, a friend, or whoever. H talked to his son but gave him no ultimatum, just expecting that stepson would have a job, and last Sunday rolled around with stepson having no job - a day after my intended deadline. That did it for me. Stepson now owes us $450 for rent and $150 of a previous loan from six months or so ago. I decided that I needed to get the heck away from H and the kids, and he is fully aware that I may truly be leaving this time.
Again, I am not a total villain, have no problem with stepson living with us while he goes to college, and even helping with tuition or books on the rare occasion that we can pull it off, but I am not going to bust my behind working as hard as I do to support his adult children living in my house rent-free, running up my power and water bills, eating my food, and being lazy while I work. I would have given stepson a timeframe by which to have a job in week two, and it has drug on now for six or seven weeks. I have told H in the past so many times that I cannot deal with the anger, resentment, aggravation, and problems it causes between us when we don't agree, and when he opts to do what he thinks is "right" by the kids without compromising or trying to do things my way for once. I keep stressing that we are not an ATM, we do not have the money to do these things without creating financial burdens on ourselves, and my H is not doing his children any favors by constantly bailing them out.
I have to say that, in general, my H is a loving, caring person who adores me, even though he is very easygoing and I am very stubborn and hardheaded, and he puts up with my stubborn attitude about OTHER issues in a loving manner. This is the one thing we cannot seem to get past, and I cannot even have a rational conversation with him about it without blowing up anymore. Having not had the greatest childhood himself, H wants his children to suffer as little as possible, like any good parent would, but I think he takes it to an extreme, and it is ruining our marriage. I have a decent relationship with the kids, and they have never disrespected me, but H and I have always kept our parental disagreements to ourselves, and he is usually the front man in handling discipline and such issues - particularly given the children's ages. When it comes to household chores and such, he incorporates my opinion into action and presents it to the kids in such a manner that they don't necessarily see it as coming from me, especially if it will make me look like the "bad guy." He has always been very careful and diplomatic about such things to make things as smooth as possible in our blended family. However, we just cannot seem to reach an agreement here, and I have gotten to the point that I do not respect him anymore. When he realized I was serious about leaving this time, he assured me that he could change, but I personally think it is just part of his personality and who he is. I don't know if it is worth giving him another chance to see if this was his wake-up call or if I should just bow out gracefully. I love him with all my heart, and if he did not have kids, we would have the perfect relationship. Without the parental disagreements, we have so much in common and have a great time together and love each other's company. I seriously would like to consider a trial separation, but I worry that that would be the beginning of the end.
WHEW! Any advice?
